So discouraged...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Itchy 
Free2be,
How are you doing today?
I go out and have drinks with my wife and friends easily. Just mine aren't alcoholic. I don't miss alcohol at all anymore. That is what I call normal now. No thinking about it, no craving, but most of all no missing out on anything. Being under the influence is not missed because I have the exact memory of how it felt before, during, and after going under the influence by my own hand. Nothing missed or yearned for or craved. Then there is the I am cured I can drink normally now or the I just want to see if I can, or the ridiculous I just want to remember what it feels like again.
WHAT? (my self says to myself) So I did the math. I drank morning to night for the last two years. Pretty much 30 units a day of beer wine and scotch. 30 drinks a day times 365 times 2= 21,908 drinks in my last two years of drinking. Sick, miserable, shaky, but that many just in the last two years I drank.
No rational part of me can deny that I know quite well the taste and feeling and results of each one of them. I never acted out. I never blacked out. Never hurt others. Just became alcohol dependent and was proceeding to drink myself to death, a death I felt closing in.
I have no penance to pay, no guilt over anything. But losing the years I used for living in an alcohol haze is the price for what started out as fun, progressed to habit, became my goal at work, counting the minutes until I could have the drinks I use. Then not waiting and having just one in the morning to get steady, two at lunch, then one before heading home so I wasn't drunk, but was steady enough to get home to settle in for a night of booze. Finally I just quit because I have a retirement and investments and started drinking at noon. The had to put shots in my coffee to stop the shakes. I rarely slurred or stumbled, appeared sober because I was no longer getting the kick. At the end, alcohol kicked my butt.
THERE IS NO WAY I WILL DO ANYTHING TO REPEAT THAT EVER AGAIN!
I am free, and easy. And will never fool myself into even one tiny drink or cigarette for whatever loony reason we all can, and have, come up with.
Under the influence my mind and life were an unmade bed. I have simply made my mind up.
How are you doing today?
I go out and have drinks with my wife and friends easily. Just mine aren't alcoholic. I don't miss alcohol at all anymore. That is what I call normal now. No thinking about it, no craving, but most of all no missing out on anything. Being under the influence is not missed because I have the exact memory of how it felt before, during, and after going under the influence by my own hand. Nothing missed or yearned for or craved. Then there is the I am cured I can drink normally now or the I just want to see if I can, or the ridiculous I just want to remember what it feels like again.
WHAT? (my self says to myself) So I did the math. I drank morning to night for the last two years. Pretty much 30 units a day of beer wine and scotch. 30 drinks a day times 365 times 2= 21,908 drinks in my last two years of drinking. Sick, miserable, shaky, but that many just in the last two years I drank.
No rational part of me can deny that I know quite well the taste and feeling and results of each one of them. I never acted out. I never blacked out. Never hurt others. Just became alcohol dependent and was proceeding to drink myself to death, a death I felt closing in.
I have no penance to pay, no guilt over anything. But losing the years I used for living in an alcohol haze is the price for what started out as fun, progressed to habit, became my goal at work, counting the minutes until I could have the drinks I use. Then not waiting and having just one in the morning to get steady, two at lunch, then one before heading home so I wasn't drunk, but was steady enough to get home to settle in for a night of booze. Finally I just quit because I have a retirement and investments and started drinking at noon. The had to put shots in my coffee to stop the shakes. I rarely slurred or stumbled, appeared sober because I was no longer getting the kick. At the end, alcohol kicked my butt.
THERE IS NO WAY I WILL DO ANYTHING TO REPEAT THAT EVER AGAIN!
I am free, and easy. And will never fool myself into even one tiny drink or cigarette for whatever loony reason we all can, and have, come up with.
Under the influence my mind and life were an unmade bed. I have simply made my mind up.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 166
My first time that I failed I was just worrying about being sober, so much it seemed I was destined to fail. Now, I could slip up but that it was I came here for support before I thought I could just not say no. It turned out last time I tried I didn't want to be sober. Thanks to the site and me finally getting it I am doing not trying to be sober. I am rooting for all of us free. Good luck taking the journey has a lot of obstacles but it can be done and others on the site have been doing it a lot longer which gives me confidence we can make it. I choose water over wine any day of the week.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Not being mean to your husband and endangering your future together, and not having to deal with embarrassing situations isn't enough for you to be content with sobriety?
I know you are struggling and hope to be encouraging. My goodness, it took three months before I felt a little human again! Struggling is good. I know how hard it is not to waste tomorrow by drinking today. Just try one day at a time. You are grieving for your lost lack of self respect, because none of us cared about anything but the next drinking session, and then the next drink.
My wife is a mean alcoholic and I set my boundaries. I won't preach but I also am not buzzed and not caring. Or rather caring more for her than myself. Once sober it became very clear all was manipulation. It has worked so far, but I deserve someone who cares for me, not living a peace treaty with no aggression, and no kindnesses returned. Or even may choose the solitary serenity I can take. I have nothing to lose. Don't put yourself in the position she is in. Pushing away the only one left who knows you and loves you anyway. See, it isn't hateful. It is pity. How can anybody respect what they pity? I am doing all the work. Staying sober has become easy. Living the juvenile lies and escalations with one who has no self respect to be straight is tougher than quitting drinking. The loyalty is wearing thin.
Be better than that if you have love. You are blessed if all you have to work on is your sobriety. If he is a drunk, then you have enough work for two sober people to deal with. No drinking alcoholic can even begin to deal with that alone.
Hang in there and post often. Also please take what you can use and leave the rest. My solutions and my path are just that, mine. If some can be of use take it, because no one can force it on you, and would be wrong to try. We need lots of tools and alternatives to select from, and some support. SR has plenty of both.
I know you are struggling and hope to be encouraging. My goodness, it took three months before I felt a little human again! Struggling is good. I know how hard it is not to waste tomorrow by drinking today. Just try one day at a time. You are grieving for your lost lack of self respect, because none of us cared about anything but the next drinking session, and then the next drink.
My wife is a mean alcoholic and I set my boundaries. I won't preach but I also am not buzzed and not caring. Or rather caring more for her than myself. Once sober it became very clear all was manipulation. It has worked so far, but I deserve someone who cares for me, not living a peace treaty with no aggression, and no kindnesses returned. Or even may choose the solitary serenity I can take. I have nothing to lose. Don't put yourself in the position she is in. Pushing away the only one left who knows you and loves you anyway. See, it isn't hateful. It is pity. How can anybody respect what they pity? I am doing all the work. Staying sober has become easy. Living the juvenile lies and escalations with one who has no self respect to be straight is tougher than quitting drinking. The loyalty is wearing thin.
Be better than that if you have love. You are blessed if all you have to work on is your sobriety. If he is a drunk, then you have enough work for two sober people to deal with. No drinking alcoholic can even begin to deal with that alone.
Hang in there and post often. Also please take what you can use and leave the rest. My solutions and my path are just that, mine. If some can be of use take it, because no one can force it on you, and would be wrong to try. We need lots of tools and alternatives to select from, and some support. SR has plenty of both.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Itchy
Not being mean to your husband and endangering your future together, and not having to deal with embarrassing situations isn't enough for you to be content with sobriety?
My wife is a mean alcoholic and I set my boundaries. I won't preach but I also am not buzzed and not caring. Or rather caring more for her than myself. Once sober it became very clear all was manipulation. It has worked so far, but I deserve someone who cares for me, not living a peace treaty with no aggression, and no kindnesses returned. Or even may choose the solitary serenity I can take. I have nothing to lose. Don't put yourself in the position she is in. .
Be better than that if you have love. You are blessed if all you have to work on is your sobriety. If he is a drunk, then you have enough work for two sober people to deal with. No drinking alcoholic can even begin to deal with that alone.
Hang in there and post often. Also please take what you can use and leave the rest. My solutions and my path are just that, mine. If some can be of use take it, because no one can force it on you, and would be wrong to try. We need lots of tools and alternatives to select from, and some support. SR has plenty of both.
My wife is a mean alcoholic and I set my boundaries. I won't preach but I also am not buzzed and not caring. Or rather caring more for her than myself. Once sober it became very clear all was manipulation. It has worked so far, but I deserve someone who cares for me, not living a peace treaty with no aggression, and no kindnesses returned. Or even may choose the solitary serenity I can take. I have nothing to lose. Don't put yourself in the position she is in. .
Be better than that if you have love. You are blessed if all you have to work on is your sobriety. If he is a drunk, then you have enough work for two sober people to deal with. No drinking alcoholic can even begin to deal with that alone.
Hang in there and post often. Also please take what you can use and leave the rest. My solutions and my path are just that, mine. If some can be of use take it, because no one can force it on you, and would be wrong to try. We need lots of tools and alternatives to select from, and some support. SR has plenty of both.
You're very right. I never want to push my husband away. We both drank heavily together until we realized I had a problem. He quit easily. I'm the one who sneaks and hides it. I haven't had anything now for 9 days, although I should be past two months now. I hate that this is so hard. I will keep coming here for advice. So far everyone is extremely supportive and encouraging.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Congrats on nine days! Over one week was huge for me!
You are blessed and soon will see it is so. I look forward to reading of your journey. To one with three days you are the example. I remember how the ones with years of sobriety seemed remote, and would not understand. They did, and we all remember the whole struggle.
I am here for ya along with a world spanning group of caring sharing folks.
You are blessed and soon will see it is so. I look forward to reading of your journey. To one with three days you are the example. I remember how the ones with years of sobriety seemed remote, and would not understand. They did, and we all remember the whole struggle.
I am here for ya along with a world spanning group of caring sharing folks.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 311
I'm feeling depressed, discouraged, and lonely. 
So many things are going on in my life. I have my husband, who is great, but we now have our 21 year old daughter, 19 year old son and his 18 year old girlfriend living with us. usThere will also be a baby here in a couple of weeks. It's crazy! Also I feel like I've lost my best friend. I changed grade levels so we don't work with each other anymore. Plus she is scared she's going to be a bad influence on me with drinking. She and I had some really wild times. But I miss hanging out with her. herThe gals I work with now are all young with little kids.
Last night I bought wine to drink at home and told my husband about it so I wouldn't be sneaking. I went to IOP after-care, then I wasn't sure I really wanted it anymore. My husband wasn't upset but did discourage me from having it. I feel like I'm going crazy. This urge to drink and get out of recovery is so strong!
So many things are going on in my life. I have my husband, who is great, but we now have our 21 year old daughter, 19 year old son and his 18 year old girlfriend living with us. usThere will also be a baby here in a couple of weeks. It's crazy! Also I feel like I've lost my best friend. I changed grade levels so we don't work with each other anymore. Plus she is scared she's going to be a bad influence on me with drinking. She and I had some really wild times. But I miss hanging out with her. herThe gals I work with now are all young with little kids.
Last night I bought wine to drink at home and told my husband about it so I wouldn't be sneaking. I went to IOP after-care, then I wasn't sure I really wanted it anymore. My husband wasn't upset but did discourage me from having it. I feel like I'm going crazy. This urge to drink and get out of recovery is so strong!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Good morning free2b, How are you feeling this October morning? Did you wake up with a clear mind? Feeling under control? I wish you a happy worry free Friday. If you stay sober that's great, you have strength, if not, well, that's ok too, sobriety can start today. You won't be judged, but you will be encouraged and given the support you need. Someone will always be willing to help! Take care, TF.
Remember, if you are talking or thinking about God, he is a mighty all forgiving God, he loves us.
Remember, if you are talking or thinking about God, he is a mighty all forgiving God, he loves us.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Free,
You build a stronger case for drinking than sobriety.
If you had the money, what would you wish to do? Maybe not today, maybe a dream from before you started drinking. You have the money you used to spend on booze. Why not take a few hundred and drive to a major town for an art exhibit, or a museum you've never seen before? Try sky diving, or scuba diving whichever you are nearest. Too cold, take a ski lesson or twenty.
I don't know about others but what held me back so long was the conditioned response to going out from being a heavy drinker/alcoholic/drunk/problem drinker for so long. It took me a long time, almost a year, to fully realize how free I was now. Before I quit, for years the thought of driving or going out involved the risk of DUI, social embarrassment for my drinking, paranoia of Law enforcement for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was the open container law.
Did you ever watch the movie "The Shawshank Redemption?" Remember the guy that could not adapt to being free and hung himself because of conditioning? I had a little of that, but not the suicidal part, just the feeling that I can't do some things because I could not for years. Quitting the slow suicide of drinking proved that I wanted to live, and even more, live a life and not a lie.
So there I was at six months and more and I was sitting there doing the same things I did when I was drinking. Isolating and staying home a lot. Not out of fear of drinking, it was just the self-conditioning of a good high functioning alcoholic. (Yes folks I also believe the words High Functioning and Alcoholic combined are an oxymoron but that is another topic.)
I had to force myself to go out, shop, go to shows, and do things. Most of all get off my dead axe and get back into shape, physically and emotionally, which both take working out.
Once I realized how free I was, it became a bit overwhelming because there are now so many possibilities for me I was terrified to choose! NO excuses anymore. And I wasn't the brilliant conversationalist or creative genius that alcohol made me feel like. Then I realized neither was anybody else! I was good enough, and began the long learning curve in any relationship to get to know and love another. Except now I was meeting me for the first time in ages and I had changed. Like an old friend, I was glad to have back, warts and all, I found myself . . . period.
Go out and find yourself. Or hang in there for a year until you decide to. Or you could cut the learning curve short and start having fun today. Unless you aren't through grieving for alcohol. I never grieved. I spat on its grave. And smiled.
You see, the best revenge is living well.
You build a stronger case for drinking than sobriety.
If you had the money, what would you wish to do? Maybe not today, maybe a dream from before you started drinking. You have the money you used to spend on booze. Why not take a few hundred and drive to a major town for an art exhibit, or a museum you've never seen before? Try sky diving, or scuba diving whichever you are nearest. Too cold, take a ski lesson or twenty.
I don't know about others but what held me back so long was the conditioned response to going out from being a heavy drinker/alcoholic/drunk/problem drinker for so long. It took me a long time, almost a year, to fully realize how free I was now. Before I quit, for years the thought of driving or going out involved the risk of DUI, social embarrassment for my drinking, paranoia of Law enforcement for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was the open container law.
Did you ever watch the movie "The Shawshank Redemption?" Remember the guy that could not adapt to being free and hung himself because of conditioning? I had a little of that, but not the suicidal part, just the feeling that I can't do some things because I could not for years. Quitting the slow suicide of drinking proved that I wanted to live, and even more, live a life and not a lie.
So there I was at six months and more and I was sitting there doing the same things I did when I was drinking. Isolating and staying home a lot. Not out of fear of drinking, it was just the self-conditioning of a good high functioning alcoholic. (Yes folks I also believe the words High Functioning and Alcoholic combined are an oxymoron but that is another topic.)
I had to force myself to go out, shop, go to shows, and do things. Most of all get off my dead axe and get back into shape, physically and emotionally, which both take working out.
Once I realized how free I was, it became a bit overwhelming because there are now so many possibilities for me I was terrified to choose! NO excuses anymore. And I wasn't the brilliant conversationalist or creative genius that alcohol made me feel like. Then I realized neither was anybody else! I was good enough, and began the long learning curve in any relationship to get to know and love another. Except now I was meeting me for the first time in ages and I had changed. Like an old friend, I was glad to have back, warts and all, I found myself . . . period.
Go out and find yourself. Or hang in there for a year until you decide to. Or you could cut the learning curve short and start having fun today. Unless you aren't through grieving for alcohol. I never grieved. I spat on its grave. And smiled.
You see, the best revenge is living well.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
