LadyDi

I am the wife of a wonderful man for the past 15 years. A knew he was an alchoholic since shortly after our wedding. As that warm, nurturing, "codependent" that I have been, I stayed angry, sad, depressed, and alone most of this time. We have 3 children. It took until our family was almost destroyed, and one of our children getting in and out of trouble that the drinking finally stopped. Almost 6 months later I found out from my husband that the drinking wasn't even the tip of the iceberg. He had been a drug addict-mainly "crank" during our entire marriage and dating. I had no idea. I was left not only with the terrible memories r/t what I thought was only drinking, but with all the years of lies and knowing that all the times that my husband told my my children were lying, that in fact he was the one.
He has now been clean for a year. Life is so, so much better now. He is very active in NA and counseling. I have very little resentment now-I only wait for the time that he is able to admit to some of the wrongs that happened and just say "I'm sorry", but I know I have to wait until he is ready.
The main problem I am having to deal with is loneliness. My husband no longer has any interest in any kind of warmth or affection at all. 6 months ago his counselor told me that it could take up to a year for the "feel-good" chemicals(endorphins etc...) may be back to normal. This gave me hope again that one day we would have a warm relationship again. Not just sex, but a kiss, a hug, a snuggle etc... Well a year has come and still we live as brother and sister or roommate. Pay our bills, care for the kids, work, household stuff, but no warmth at all. I am hoping that maybe other recovering addicts or family members maybe have something to share with me regarding this. I would love any input and greatly appreciate it.
I've looking into Nar-Anon(none in my area), and Al-Anon doesn't seem to fit the bill for the major drug related problems. Thanks for reading this.

Gabe

Hi LadyDi,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
We've got lots of boards here that you will find understanding and support on. Naranon, Alanon and the Relationships boards all have people posting about things that you are going through.
I'm glad you joined us.
Stick around.
Gabe

Dan

Hi LadyDi,
I'm Dan, a recovering addict. Your story parallels mine, even though our roles are reversed. My wife and I started growing apart in a serious way after the birth of our son in 2000. I think it's at that moment that she decided internally to start shutting down emotionaly and start building a wall to protect herself and our children. And as addicts do, I simply started isolating even more, as I entered what I now refer to as the final chapter of my descent into madness. All our scenarios are different in active addiction, but I'm sure you get the picture.
She and I suffered another three and a half years of my insanity before I finally gave up trying to die a slow death and started the process of coming to recovery. And it has not been an easy ride back to couplehood . Fact is I simply still don't know what will come of us. I care for her, but I find myself incapable of bridging the gap that has grown so wide between us over the last few years. I crave her contact, and by that I mean a gentle caress, or a plain old pat on the back.
I let my addiction rob my best friend of her mate.
I'm trying to make sense of that.
Welcome to SR.
A healing place.

best

GREAT! that he found recovery and shared the truth with you.

15 years married...drugs no drugs, alcohol no alcohol...many marriages go flat so to say. Dad busy with work and chores, mom busy with kids.
Start dating your husband. Make time for the both of you. Parents night out.
Try to remember how you would dolt over him when you were dating.
As a teen/young adult dating...clothes needed be perfect, hair perfect, makeup perfect...Ohhh no he can't see me like this. My hair is a mess.
But you say... we been married 15 years. I don't need do that any more.
Try it...you may like it. Will make you feel better just being yourself at your best. You will look in the mirror and say...Yes I am wonderful and soon he will see the same "again" and the spark returns.

*reminded myself with that post...go shave *LOL*

Anna

Welcome LadyDi, glad you found us!

Dan, Wow, how insightful of you and what a great post. It's so interesting to look at the process. We had been married 25 years before I began drinking, but, I had been stuffing down all my emotions and not taking care of myself at all. I held a lot of resentment and anger too, about decisions that had occurred during our marriage. Since I stopped drinking though, I feel different in the relationship. I am much more independent and less needy and I have adjusted my feelings of what marriage should be. I'm not as open as I used to be because I think that being so open, loving and giving led to me losing myself and into addiction. I'm still getting used to the changes and actually, not sure that I like them all.

LadyDi, I hope you hang around and get to know us. Hopefully we can offer you some support.

Love, Anna

LadyDi

Thanks I appreciate your sharing that with me.

LadyDi

Thanks. I plan on sticking around. I've enjoyed all that I've read so far. It's nice to know there's a place like this to go.

LadyDi

Thanks for your thoughts. It's a great idea in writing, but I've tried that. I've tried the dressing up both day and night, I've tried expressing my thoughts and needs. I've tried to schedule date time. My looks go unnoticed; the reply to my feelings are that he doesn't know why he doesn't feel anything-that "it's not you", and "I don't know when I'll get those feeling back". I'm left wondering when and if they will come back. He tells me to be patient-it's hard. "Date" time isn't a priority to him. Work and NA are priorities. I fall down on the list. I think he knows that I'm always here, so he doesn't have to put any effort into it. We have "Talk time" every week for an hour. I'm lucky to get that in. We are supposed to be working on us, but everything else gets discussed instead. Thanks anyway.

Dan

I've seen many alcoholics and addicts in recovery insist that my recovery comes first. And in a sense, I see the importance of that. One of the hardest things for me in the first few weeks was to learn to have a balance. I'm still learning really. All I know is that the scars left behind, on both sides of the disease, are still healing in a way. The wounds have been closed up to a point, but so much still remains unresolved.
I hope you join the good people in the Anon Forums, as well as us addicts and alcoholics.

best

talk time for an hour...
That is about 3 times more then lots of married people get.
Its a starting place. Maybe ask about an increase...1 hour for what is talked about now, 20 minutes for you to share your feelings/thoughts and then 20 minutes for him to share his. Our time/my time/ your time. (even if the our time is used for his time)

Sherella

I wandered in here by chance, I was wondering if you've ever considered that there might be an underlying medical problem, sometimes its easier to blame the alcohol or drugs rather then address an impotentancy at any age.

Sherella

Dangerous Dan,
I don't know if you believe in the power of prayer, but I've seen a lot of marriages change course, when even one partner consistantly prayed about it.

best

and I have lived...am living it.

Prayer doesn't change her..it changed me. The changes in me brought out the changes in her.