relapsed hard
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,129
Sweetie,
I say this with the greatest tenderness but continuing to drink will most certainly rip your family apart as well.
The consequences are coming whether you want them to or not, physical, familial, mental, anxiety, all of the above and more.
If you continue drinking, it's not a question of if, but when.
You can not drink yourself out of the consequences. That's what made me stop.
Please get some help, get yourself free from the demon. We're all here to help every scary step of the way.
I'm worried about you.
I say this with the greatest tenderness but continuing to drink will most certainly rip your family apart as well.
The consequences are coming whether you want them to or not, physical, familial, mental, anxiety, all of the above and more.
If you continue drinking, it's not a question of if, but when.
You can not drink yourself out of the consequences. That's what made me stop.
Please get some help, get yourself free from the demon. We're all here to help every scary step of the way.
I'm worried about you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
There's some great advice here southern - from people who have been there.
I didn't listen to advice - I wanted to do things on the down low too - like I said, I ended up with several mini strokes and some permanent reminders of my last detox...but I was lucky...I might have died.
D
I didn't listen to advice - I wanted to do things on the down low too - like I said, I ended up with several mini strokes and some permanent reminders of my last detox...but I was lucky...I might have died.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: san francisco, ca
Posts: 130
Hi Southern, thank you for sharing your experiences here. I can relate as I am on Day 4 of sobriety and the last several days I can only describe as HELL.
A week ago from Saturday I decided to have a few mimosas with some friends in Napa after a night of being sober and watching my friends drink. I had been sober a few weeks and felt very strong. In the morning, my disease teases me that 'it's fine - you can have a few glasses of bubbles!' Those two glasses turned into me going into the fridge and swigging from the bottle while my friends were in the other room. I had a cup of coffee and pretended my best to be sober. On the way to my second job (at a tasting room might I add) I stopped at a winery where I know some people and proceeded to drink. I don't have the 'turn off' switch of course so then I drove to my job vaguely remembering the trip. I'm very ashamed of myself. I got to my place of work and at this point was completely hammered. I barely remember anything except one of my bosses taking me out of there and bringing me to his apt upstairs. He asked what was going on with me, I cried and cried..he fired me and I have never been fired ever before (now I realize it was the best thing for me).
I decided to go to a bar, get more alcohol, left with a guy I was dancing with so he could help me find a cab. He walked me across the highway and down a ways until I finally told him I needed to be on my own, who knows where he was taking me?!?!. Walked alone to a car dealership and tried to find cars unlocked so I could sleep inside one but ended up sleeping on the ground outside an apartment building wall. Not sure how long I slept but woke up terrified, found a 7-11, called a cab, passed out in bed, woke up and wanted to DIE!
Phone was dead, my computer was missing from my bag (it was an overnight type bag) no phone charger so I walked down to my local 7-11 (there's a theme here no?) asked them to call me a cab and then decided to buy a beer to ease the pain as I waited on a curb outside 7-11 on Sunday morning.....ahhh, how attractive!
Finally got my car but now after making an ass of myself, getting fired from my second job, losing my $1,300 computer and basically hating myself, I of course, drank MORE!
For 5 days straight. Wine, beer, more wine, hardly any food...lots of crying phone calls to friends who are frankly sick of it by now. By Thursday I wanted/needed to stop, so I finally did, but my body wouldnt let me sleep a wink. Friday morning I was hallucinating, couldnt even walk to the bathroom without falling or hitting the walls since I was violently shaking. I felt like someone was taking my right leg and yanking it up and down wildly when I would lay down (none of these things have ever ever happened to me before!!). The anxiety was unbearable. I had to drink a beer just to calm down slightly. I tried zzzquil, and it did nothing. Next day with no sleep, my tounge was violently thrashing in my mouth so I couldnt even talk normal, nor could I think. My arms and legs reminded me of someone who has parkinsons disease. This was just the beginning. I felt like my heart was going to explode in my chest. When I did sleep, I had horrible nightmares and sweats that completely drenched the bed, I heard voices and saw double a few times. I was certain I would not make it out alive. I thought to myself "you've really done it now - and for what?? Was this worth losing your life at age 40 for this poison??
I promised if I made it out alive I would never drink again. My plan is exactly that. I'm NOT going out like that, no way, no how. I'm fighting for my life, we are ALL here fighting for our lives!!!
Southern, you keep going, you'll be on the other side of hell real soon I hope. I'm praying for you and all the others suffering such a wretched experience out there.
Thanks for letting me share here tonight.
Shay
A week ago from Saturday I decided to have a few mimosas with some friends in Napa after a night of being sober and watching my friends drink. I had been sober a few weeks and felt very strong. In the morning, my disease teases me that 'it's fine - you can have a few glasses of bubbles!' Those two glasses turned into me going into the fridge and swigging from the bottle while my friends were in the other room. I had a cup of coffee and pretended my best to be sober. On the way to my second job (at a tasting room might I add) I stopped at a winery where I know some people and proceeded to drink. I don't have the 'turn off' switch of course so then I drove to my job vaguely remembering the trip. I'm very ashamed of myself. I got to my place of work and at this point was completely hammered. I barely remember anything except one of my bosses taking me out of there and bringing me to his apt upstairs. He asked what was going on with me, I cried and cried..he fired me and I have never been fired ever before (now I realize it was the best thing for me).
I decided to go to a bar, get more alcohol, left with a guy I was dancing with so he could help me find a cab. He walked me across the highway and down a ways until I finally told him I needed to be on my own, who knows where he was taking me?!?!. Walked alone to a car dealership and tried to find cars unlocked so I could sleep inside one but ended up sleeping on the ground outside an apartment building wall. Not sure how long I slept but woke up terrified, found a 7-11, called a cab, passed out in bed, woke up and wanted to DIE!
Phone was dead, my computer was missing from my bag (it was an overnight type bag) no phone charger so I walked down to my local 7-11 (there's a theme here no?) asked them to call me a cab and then decided to buy a beer to ease the pain as I waited on a curb outside 7-11 on Sunday morning.....ahhh, how attractive!
Finally got my car but now after making an ass of myself, getting fired from my second job, losing my $1,300 computer and basically hating myself, I of course, drank MORE!
For 5 days straight. Wine, beer, more wine, hardly any food...lots of crying phone calls to friends who are frankly sick of it by now. By Thursday I wanted/needed to stop, so I finally did, but my body wouldnt let me sleep a wink. Friday morning I was hallucinating, couldnt even walk to the bathroom without falling or hitting the walls since I was violently shaking. I felt like someone was taking my right leg and yanking it up and down wildly when I would lay down (none of these things have ever ever happened to me before!!). The anxiety was unbearable. I had to drink a beer just to calm down slightly. I tried zzzquil, and it did nothing. Next day with no sleep, my tounge was violently thrashing in my mouth so I couldnt even talk normal, nor could I think. My arms and legs reminded me of someone who has parkinsons disease. This was just the beginning. I felt like my heart was going to explode in my chest. When I did sleep, I had horrible nightmares and sweats that completely drenched the bed, I heard voices and saw double a few times. I was certain I would not make it out alive. I thought to myself "you've really done it now - and for what?? Was this worth losing your life at age 40 for this poison??
I promised if I made it out alive I would never drink again. My plan is exactly that. I'm NOT going out like that, no way, no how. I'm fighting for my life, we are ALL here fighting for our lives!!!
Southern, you keep going, you'll be on the other side of hell real soon I hope. I'm praying for you and all the others suffering such a wretched experience out there.
Thanks for letting me share here tonight.
Shay
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: san francisco, ca
Posts: 130
Forgot to mention I ended up at Urgent Care on Sunday and my heart rate was so high the doc immediately prescribed me a benzo to get through it. I told him I couldnt go to inpatient detox but I have to call him every day for a week since he only gave me a few pills so I didnt have to rough it out anymore. That first pill is the only thing that helped ease the symptoms. I could well been on my way to a seizure...
Highly recommend medical care even if its a clinic...
Highly recommend medical care even if its a clinic...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 8
I just thought I'd check in. Coming up on 60 hours. I figured out I wasn't just seeing random lights, but the lights that were actually there were kind of blurred and whizzing around when I'd move my eyes. I researched sleep deprivation and I'm fairly certain that's what was happening. Also thinking seeing things move in my peripherals. And another symptom is micro-sleeps, which I've had a few of. Just pacing through the house I'd sort of black out for just a split second. Like someone hit skip forward on my life remote for one screen shot. It all makes sense seeing as how I hadn't slept at all since about 6 hours Sunday night. And that was drunk sleep so you know it wasn't quality sleep. After figuring this out my anxiety improved. I think because I no longer feared a seizure as much. Actually slept a solid 4 hours after that. No nightmares or anything. And I could have slept so much longer I think. I feel much better today, just tired still. Coming up on 60 hours since my last drink. Feeling so thankful for everyone's concern and posts and prayers. I'm going to come back here and I think this site will help me remember in the future why I can't drink. Shay's share was very moving and I'm lucky not to be in that kind of shape. But I could be if I were to continue drinking. I'm thinking next time it comes up I'm going to tell my wife I'm done, and I want her to help me stick to it. Thanks again everybody.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
Originally Posted by shay17 
Hi Southern, thank you for sharing your experiences here. I can relate as I am on Day 4 of sobriety and the last several days I can only describe as HELL.
A week ago from Saturday I decided to have a few mimosas with some friends in Napa after a night of being sober and watching my friends drink. I had been sober a few weeks and felt very strong. In the morning, my disease teases me that 'it's fine - you can have a few glasses of bubbles!' Those two glasses turned into me going into the fridge and swigging from the bottle while my friends were in the other room. I had a cup of coffee and pretended my best to be sober. On the way to my second job (at a tasting room might I add) I stopped at a winery where I know some people and proceeded to drink. I don't have the 'turn off' switch of course so then I drove to my job vaguely remembering the trip. I'm very ashamed of myself. I got to my place of work and at this point was completely hammered. I barely remember anything except one of my bosses taking me out of there and bringing me to his apt upstairs. He asked what was going on with me, I cried and cried..he fired me and I have never been fired ever before (now I realize it was the best thing for me).
I decided to go to a bar, get more alcohol, left with a guy I was dancing with so he could help me find a cab. He walked me across the highway and down a ways until I finally told him I needed to be on my own, who knows where he was taking me?!?!. Walked alone to a car dealership and tried to find cars unlocked so I could sleep inside one but ended up sleeping on the ground outside an apartment building wall. Not sure how long I slept but woke up terrified, found a 7-11, called a cab, passed out in bed, woke up and wanted to DIE!
Phone was dead, my computer was missing from my bag (it was an overnight type bag) no phone charger so I walked down to my local 7-11 (there's a theme here no?) asked them to call me a cab and then decided to buy a beer to ease the pain as I waited on a curb outside 7-11 on Sunday morning.....ahhh, how attractive!
Finally got my car but now after making an ass of myself, getting fired from my second job, losing my $1,300 computer and basically hating myself, I of course, drank MORE!
For 5 days straight. Wine, beer, more wine, hardly any food...lots of crying phone calls to friends who are frankly sick of it by now. By Thursday I wanted/needed to stop, so I finally did, but my body wouldnt let me sleep a wink. Friday morning I was hallucinating, couldnt even walk to the bathroom without falling or hitting the walls since I was violently shaking. I felt like someone was taking my right leg and yanking it up and down wildly when I would lay down (none of these things have ever ever happened to me before!!). The anxiety was unbearable. I had to drink a beer just to calm down slightly. I tried zzzquil, and it did nothing. Next day with no sleep, my tounge was violently thrashing in my mouth so I couldnt even talk normal, nor could I think. My arms and legs reminded me of someone who has parkinsons disease. This was just the beginning. I felt like my heart was going to explode in my chest. When I did sleep, I had horrible nightmares and sweats that completely drenched the bed, I heard voices and saw double a few times. I was certain I would not make it out alive. I thought to myself "you've really done it now - and for what?? Was this worth losing your life at age 40 for this poison??
I promised if I made it out alive I would never drink again. My plan is exactly that. I'm NOT going out like that, no way, no how. I'm fighting for my life, we are ALL here fighting for our lives!!!
Southern, you keep going, you'll be on the other side of hell real soon I hope. I'm praying for you and all the others suffering such a wretched experience out there.
Thanks for letting me share here tonight.
Shay
A week ago from Saturday I decided to have a few mimosas with some friends in Napa after a night of being sober and watching my friends drink. I had been sober a few weeks and felt very strong. In the morning, my disease teases me that 'it's fine - you can have a few glasses of bubbles!' Those two glasses turned into me going into the fridge and swigging from the bottle while my friends were in the other room. I had a cup of coffee and pretended my best to be sober. On the way to my second job (at a tasting room might I add) I stopped at a winery where I know some people and proceeded to drink. I don't have the 'turn off' switch of course so then I drove to my job vaguely remembering the trip. I'm very ashamed of myself. I got to my place of work and at this point was completely hammered. I barely remember anything except one of my bosses taking me out of there and bringing me to his apt upstairs. He asked what was going on with me, I cried and cried..he fired me and I have never been fired ever before (now I realize it was the best thing for me).
I decided to go to a bar, get more alcohol, left with a guy I was dancing with so he could help me find a cab. He walked me across the highway and down a ways until I finally told him I needed to be on my own, who knows where he was taking me?!?!. Walked alone to a car dealership and tried to find cars unlocked so I could sleep inside one but ended up sleeping on the ground outside an apartment building wall. Not sure how long I slept but woke up terrified, found a 7-11, called a cab, passed out in bed, woke up and wanted to DIE!
Phone was dead, my computer was missing from my bag (it was an overnight type bag) no phone charger so I walked down to my local 7-11 (there's a theme here no?) asked them to call me a cab and then decided to buy a beer to ease the pain as I waited on a curb outside 7-11 on Sunday morning.....ahhh, how attractive!
Finally got my car but now after making an ass of myself, getting fired from my second job, losing my $1,300 computer and basically hating myself, I of course, drank MORE!
For 5 days straight. Wine, beer, more wine, hardly any food...lots of crying phone calls to friends who are frankly sick of it by now. By Thursday I wanted/needed to stop, so I finally did, but my body wouldnt let me sleep a wink. Friday morning I was hallucinating, couldnt even walk to the bathroom without falling or hitting the walls since I was violently shaking. I felt like someone was taking my right leg and yanking it up and down wildly when I would lay down (none of these things have ever ever happened to me before!!). The anxiety was unbearable. I had to drink a beer just to calm down slightly. I tried zzzquil, and it did nothing. Next day with no sleep, my tounge was violently thrashing in my mouth so I couldnt even talk normal, nor could I think. My arms and legs reminded me of someone who has parkinsons disease. This was just the beginning. I felt like my heart was going to explode in my chest. When I did sleep, I had horrible nightmares and sweats that completely drenched the bed, I heard voices and saw double a few times. I was certain I would not make it out alive. I thought to myself "you've really done it now - and for what?? Was this worth losing your life at age 40 for this poison??
I promised if I made it out alive I would never drink again. My plan is exactly that. I'm NOT going out like that, no way, no how. I'm fighting for my life, we are ALL here fighting for our lives!!!
Southern, you keep going, you'll be on the other side of hell real soon I hope. I'm praying for you and all the others suffering such a wretched experience out there.
Thanks for letting me share here tonight.
Shay
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: san francisco, ca
Posts: 130
Longbeachone - I plan on staying sober by going to meetings, meditation,
Physical activity, reading etc..
I had been hung over before but never ever had a withdrawal. I was not aware of
Anything called kindling but I don't ever want to find out what it is. I literally
Feel scared straight. That was my rock bottom. I'm thankful every minute I am
Alive since I felt normal again just a day ago.
I'm so grateful for this forum as a place to learn from others, to share and help others and
To feel united with a community of people who struggle with this toxic poison.
I now feel that it's truly poison. Something in my brain switched this last week...
I hope southern26 is doing much better now.
Skyesea thanks for your well wishes also. Goodnight x
Physical activity, reading etc..
I had been hung over before but never ever had a withdrawal. I was not aware of
Anything called kindling but I don't ever want to find out what it is. I literally
Feel scared straight. That was my rock bottom. I'm thankful every minute I am
Alive since I felt normal again just a day ago.
I'm so grateful for this forum as a place to learn from others, to share and help others and
To feel united with a community of people who struggle with this toxic poison.
I now feel that it's truly poison. Something in my brain switched this last week...
I hope southern26 is doing much better now.
Skyesea thanks for your well wishes also. Goodnight x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Dear Southern ,
I really felt sad reading your post.
You are going through HELL..your post is one whole post of anxiety.
You really need medical help with this as I want you to continue to see the sun come up.
Even if you manage to come out unscathed this time , you have dodged a bullet.
Your wife would have more of an idea on your drinking than you think she has.
Why not give her the benefit of the doubt and lay it all on the line. She would rather this than lose you.
Do your daughter a favour and live for her xx
She wouldn't want this for her dad.
Please see your doctor , you deserve a good life .
Good luck xxx i really wish you well
I really felt sad reading your post.
You are going through HELL..your post is one whole post of anxiety.
You really need medical help with this as I want you to continue to see the sun come up.
Even if you manage to come out unscathed this time , you have dodged a bullet.
Your wife would have more of an idea on your drinking than you think she has.
Why not give her the benefit of the doubt and lay it all on the line. She would rather this than lose you.
Do your daughter a favour and live for her xx
She wouldn't want this for her dad.
Please see your doctor , you deserve a good life .
Good luck xxx i really wish you well
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
It's probably time to get help now. Any shame you feel is nothing compared to dying. Be there for your family. Live to come back stronger, for them if nothing else. They need you.
Ultimately do it because you're selfish. You want to live, more than you want to drink.
Ultimately do it because you're selfish. You want to live, more than you want to drink.
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