struggling
I don't think there are any magic words to say to your wife to fix things. If she is going to forgive you, it's going to take time, probably months. That sucks because we alcoholics tend to be an inpatient, immediate gratification bunch.
You have a much better chance of fixing things with your wife through actions not words. Show her through your actions that you are sober and intend to stay sober. Regular attendance at AA meetings and working with a sponsor might help.
One of the things we do when working the steps of AA is to make amends for our past behavior. I think that's hard to do with a spouse, especially if you've been married a long time. I mean, where do you start, "I'm sorry for getting drunk on August 8th, 1998." I can't possibly remember all my drunken behavior (and there's part of me that's hesitant to bring up an incident that she may have forgotten about!).
I think what works better is a "living amend" where she notices the personality change in you without you needing to point it out to her. That's the kind of behavior change that's necessary, what program you use to accomplish that change is your choice. For me it was AA.
You have a much better chance of fixing things with your wife through actions not words. Show her through your actions that you are sober and intend to stay sober. Regular attendance at AA meetings and working with a sponsor might help.
One of the things we do when working the steps of AA is to make amends for our past behavior. I think that's hard to do with a spouse, especially if you've been married a long time. I mean, where do you start, "I'm sorry for getting drunk on August 8th, 1998." I can't possibly remember all my drunken behavior (and there's part of me that's hesitant to bring up an incident that she may have forgotten about!).
I think what works better is a "living amend" where she notices the personality change in you without you needing to point it out to her. That's the kind of behavior change that's necessary, what program you use to accomplish that change is your choice. For me it was AA.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Getting to where I want to be
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I would think that if she is still there and going to your therapist meeting with you, she still cares. However, at this point I would concentrate on getting and staying sober for you. Other things will fall into place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 45
Thank you all for your words that were both kind and wise (not an easy trick!).
Things okay with my wife. I think she is moving towards a one day at a time approach now and is holding fire on moving out for a length of time – in order to allow me to prove myself. This really is the last chance now; and I am more than aware of this.
My mum is coming to stay for a month also – she now knows all the awful details whereas hadnt a clue before, so will be really tough at first – but this will give my wife a chance to stay with friends for a few days at a time.
Zebra1275 your point about ‘living amend’ is so right. It is difficult as I want to be normal and show my wife I can be normal, but don’t want to come across as blasé about what happened. A tricky balance, but we spoke about this and that's what I need to do. Over time. Possibly a long time before I gain any level of trust.
So am doing the right things that I can for now – NOT drinking, going to support group, going to councillor, focussing as much as i can on work and going to gym. Just need to keep going. And of course sticking with this forum!!
I’ll be around here for a while I think. Things feel ok at minute but I’ve let my guard down before...
And Jackie38 - thanks for the encouragement; so proud of you too. Hope all going well??
Things okay with my wife. I think she is moving towards a one day at a time approach now and is holding fire on moving out for a length of time – in order to allow me to prove myself. This really is the last chance now; and I am more than aware of this.
My mum is coming to stay for a month also – she now knows all the awful details whereas hadnt a clue before, so will be really tough at first – but this will give my wife a chance to stay with friends for a few days at a time.
Zebra1275 your point about ‘living amend’ is so right. It is difficult as I want to be normal and show my wife I can be normal, but don’t want to come across as blasé about what happened. A tricky balance, but we spoke about this and that's what I need to do. Over time. Possibly a long time before I gain any level of trust.
So am doing the right things that I can for now – NOT drinking, going to support group, going to councillor, focussing as much as i can on work and going to gym. Just need to keep going. And of course sticking with this forum!!
I’ll be around here for a while I think. Things feel ok at minute but I’ve let my guard down before...
And Jackie38 - thanks for the encouragement; so proud of you too. Hope all going well??
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