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Old 10-08-2013, 07:54 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by CaiHong View Post
Hi postcard,
How are you feeling today,as a member said you have to show her you mean business but more importantly remember you are doing this for yourself. I promise you, things do get better, life without dependence on alcohol equals freedom.

Hang in there
caihong
Not good but better for being one day off the alcohol. Am at work and really struggling - I cant afford to mess this up too... Wife has been supportive and drove me to work. See too keeps saying I need to do this for myself, maybe that means she is only with me til i recover, maybe she doesnt know herself.

Have a support group meeting for those with personal issues tonight so will see how that goes. I am just struggling to stay positive with the feelings of regret, that is the hardest, but am trying. Thanks all for your support it has been invaluable.
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Old 10-09-2013, 06:23 PM
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Hi Postcard,
Your wife sounds lovely and supportive. The longer you are sober and in a good life program the regrets will diminish. Intellectually we know we can't turn back the clock but we still feel regret. The feelings will change, just do what needs to be done to achieve sobriety and the rest will follow.
Caihong
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Old 10-09-2013, 06:53 PM
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Smile You're not alone

Kudos to you for continuing to try! I, like you, have relapsed after being sober for nearly a year. I was a daily drinker, risked that first drink, and went back to my old habits quicker than anything. BUT, that doesn't mean we can't win. I went to my first AA meeting tonight, and I admitted I had drank last night. But after running down the rabbit hole for the past month and a half, I woke up this morning and said, what the he!! am I doing? Enough is enough. Something I read in an earlier thread - nobody every wakes up in the morning wishing they had gotten drunk the night before. If your wife is willing to be involved with your recovery, go to AlAnon so she can understand why alcoholics relapse, and show her that you will do whatever it takes to stay sober, then she will be much more likely to hang in there during these crucial early steps. But SHOW her, don't just pay lip service. And remember, you are doing this for you first and foremost, nobody else. Because if she throws in the towel and you are doing this for her, you are very likely to relapse again. To get through the next few days.... don't try to bite off more than you can chew. As they say, one day at a time. If it's easier, get through the next hour. Don't think beyond that. Keep reading threads, distract yourself with things you enjoy, and keep yourself in an environment where you have no choice but to stay sober. You can do this...
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Old 10-09-2013, 07:25 PM
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The anxiety you are feeling about your wife is amplified by your shame for falling back into your behavior. Give her time, things will be ok. Stop beating yourself up. Start showing some confidence, she will take notice. The more confident you feel about your sobriety the more likely you are to achieve it. But then again....I'm only on day 2. What do I know.
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Old 10-09-2013, 07:47 PM
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postcard it seems like you have found a reason not to drink is that you love your wife more than you love alcohol. Say goodbye to that life and focus on your wife and your future life together. I am in the same boat as I wanted to get rid of alcohol for myself and my wife. Who has stuck by me. You need this for yourself by doing so you will make every aspect better in your life. Good luck in your journey and welcome to SR
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Old 10-09-2013, 08:20 PM
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Wow. What can I say, so many people with their own issues taking the time to post and support me. It is humbling. tangningsheng - you are so right that I love my wife more than alcohol. I do hope she sticks by me but I have hurt her in so many ways (I do not mean physical, I would never do that).

BUT as CaiHong says I cant turn back time. I just need to SHOW that I am intent on recovery and achieve that and the rest will follow. Whatever that may be I can only aim for the best outcome that is possible from this day on. My wife is coming to the therapist tonight which will be tough, as we will be raking up my last relapse at the weekend; but i need to see it as part of the process.

Also, my wife has told my friends and family about my problem. I find this incredibly uncomfortable, shaming and embarrassing. At the minute I feel it is adding to my depression but I know it is the right thing in the long run and necessary...

I went to a support group last night (one that I had been claiming to go to for weeks but had not). It was really positive and a great quote was made: "Only I Alone Can Recover, But I Cannot Recover Alone." I believe that applies to my wife loving me enough to give her support at this stage of my recovery whatever happens in the future, and to my friends and family finally knowing I have a problem, and especially to all of my new friends on this forum. I am pledging to myself to soon be in a state and place to be able to return your generous support should you need it. Thank you all.
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Old 10-10-2013, 01:30 PM
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Hey! I wanted to see how you were doing today. I'm so hopeful for you and your wife. Don't feel ashamed. The same people that would judge you are likely doing nothing to better their lives other than criticizing others to feel better.
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Old 10-10-2013, 01:31 PM
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Ps... I should take my own advice... No one other than you guys and my husband know of my sobriety.
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Old 10-10-2013, 02:39 PM
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Am okay today, but worried after the therapist session that my wife came to. She said she believes my wife has helped my problem by bailing me out in the past and I need to prove my responsibiilty and sobriety.

Therapist says she believes i can only prove this if my wife moves out for around 6 months. I understand the need to prove but am terrified at losing the support for that time and also am unsure how i can prove i'm sober if she's not there. We havea couple of weeks to think about it. We had a chat when we got home and agreed one step at a time, but i just spent all night with my regrests. No good i know but difficult not to at 3am.. One day before the weekend and we are going to spend time doing nice things then. I need to be as 'up' and positive as i can and not dwell - the more down and depressed i am around my wife i feel the more likely she is to move out as suggested...

Well sun is shining and gym tonight, so that's a start. One day at a time....
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Old 10-10-2013, 02:48 PM
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You know what? As hard and horrible as it may sound, a 'break' may be what you two need. That doesn't mean she may decide to move out, but it may mean a break from the intimacy a couple shares. That way, you can REALLY focus on yourself, your sobriety, and your actions.

That is where I am now - my partner and I are still living in the same house, but we do not sleep with one another and are not as touchy-feely and intimate as we would be if we were a 'couple'. This gives me enough space to truly think about myself and how to make my life better.

One thing that is the hard pill to swallow is this: You are only as good to a partner as you are to yourself. If you love yourself and work on yourself and truly make your life better FOR YOU, then you have a much bigger capacity to give that love and devotion to another person.

Maybe not everyone knows or likes RuPaul, but he says: "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an AMEN up in here?"
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Old 10-10-2013, 02:49 PM
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The fact that she didn't say, "ok, that's my Que." and leave is a sign she's still there for you. She could have used that opportunity to get out but she didn't. That's encouraging for your relationship. There is a quote that I read on someone's page that said something like , I alone am responsible but I can not do it alone... Something like that. I probably just murdered some famous aa quote...ha!
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Old 10-10-2013, 02:54 PM
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Jackie is so right. My partner could have up and left. But they chose to stay and support me, even if we aren't together. That means they LOVE YOU. Take it for what it is worth.

The first few times I tried to quit, I remember that we had separated, and I tried to kiss and hug and hold them and call them Honey. They were not open to that. And they said something that will stick with me forever:

I could be gone. But I'm not. After everything you put me through, here I am, still by your side supporting you. I am here because I know you are a good person and I know you are trying. But you can't keep wallowing in self pity that things aren't the way you want them. You have to work at it, and you have to show me you mean business. I can't tell you how long it will take. A month, 90 days, 6 months, a year... the point is, I am still here with you.

Once you humble yourself and quiet that ego, that sentiment hits your heart like an anvil.
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Old 10-10-2013, 04:01 PM
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thank you both - you've just made my day seem just that much better. I am at work now but in early and making a list of tangible things I can do to show that i am starting the process of taking responsibility (group meetings, getting finance advice).

I know i need to step back but it's so hard - the very person and want support from is the person I have pushed away so I know I cant just expect to say - 'hey i'm sober now so i want you to be loving again'.

My wife has told my family everything now (they didnt have a clue) and my mum is flying out for a month next week - (my wife and I emigrated a year ago). Hopefully I can spend time with her, though it will be tough at first, and that will help me give my wife the space she needs.

thanks all again
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Old 10-10-2013, 07:45 PM
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Hi Postcard,
I can't comment on your wife moving out for 6 months or so but if this is what is needed to get sober. Your wife sounds like she is right behind you and your family. You are so lucky in that respect.

I just received an email from my AA sponsor telling me about a woman in her 60s who has a major drinking problem, living in a developing country, falling down drunk, septic ulcers, flyblown and still can't see, won't see the problem.

She is in the grip of alcoholism and perhaps it's too late for her. I am writing about this because it really affected me but for the grace of God, I could be her.

I woke up to the madness and got support and my life is better than it has ever been my health, my energy.

it will take time to get to the point where alcohol is seen as the poison it is for some of us. But you will get there and be free.

Love
Caihong
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Old 10-10-2013, 07:50 PM
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Postcard1, I had just started a great new job and have had to take today off? Well just ask yourself what more important, the job, or drinking? I finally was staying so drunk that I couldn't keep a job. 3 years sober now. Rootin for ya.
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Old 10-10-2013, 11:56 PM
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Just back from work. Home alone tonight, wife has gone to friends for the evening for a barbeque. I'd usually be there with them enjoying the company and sun.

May need to keep close to this SR website this evening...
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Old 10-11-2013, 07:38 AM
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Hey, good morning. It's funny you said stay close to this site. I realized last night that I panic when I'm on other social networking sites. I have to "stay close" to this one too. I am hopeful for you, again today.
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Old 10-12-2013, 07:05 PM
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Yep, this is a great site to have to hand - made it through the other evening by reading posts on here - both of people in the same place as I am now and those who hare inspirations in getting through to the other side Good luck to you too Jackie38
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Old 10-12-2013, 07:09 PM
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Originally Posted by postcard1 View Post
i cant bear to lose my wife, knowing it was so avoidable
if this is the case and it's close to my case...look at the drink and ask yourself it this more important then my wife. I can NOT believe that it was for a while...to think of me thinking that alcohol was more valuable then my wife...sad really...
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Old 10-12-2013, 07:33 PM
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One day at a time. And nothing, but nothing, is more important than your LIFE. Not just your existence, but your life. And you can't live when you are always numb to it...
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