One must imagine Sisyphus happy...
 

9 days sober today...

But Mondays were my days for drinking, always early afternoon Mondays and now I want to go out for a drink, despite being broke!? Damn...

I was sober for over a year. I worked like a maniac with a friend of 20 years; we managed to achieve a very hefty goal, beyond our wildest dreams. I was a working horse (creating everything) and he was a "political force" (connections) and the result was mind-bogglingly great. During the process of working (for free) I met a fantastic woman who fall in love with me, despite my abject poverty. She had seen a potential in me, and in the project we've worked on and she supported me. I even owe her some money, she put in to enable me to work, sometimes virtually 24/7

At the end, as I said, we succeeded.

Than he screwed me over the money!?! He did not pay me for work. He did not share the profit with me. As a result, she wasn't able to cope with the another bout of poverty, terrified over a perspective I would - a grown up man - end up needing more of her $$ just to survive so she left me. Who'd blame her...

So, I relapsed.

I can't really drink anymore. I was one of these guys needing 20 - 30 vodkas in the morning just to stop shaking (decades ago) and was a highly functioning alcoholic, having an enormous tolerance for the booze, also quite successful for the most of my life. But this is since long gone; now I could have only 4 - 5 beers and be drunk, "content" with it. Alas, these 4 - 5 beers would result in me being viciously sick the next day(s) and severely depressed even longer.

Nevertheless, despite me being able to stop the viscous cycle and enter my 9th day of sobriety again, I can't think of anything but that drink today?

And mind you, I'm totally broke, like in penniless. I struggle mighty to get a gig or two, just to put me through the month and yet, I think of going to the bar and drink on a tab for the owner knows and trusts me??

Insane, I know. During the year of being sober I totally forgotten how crazy, painful, powerful this disease is...

Not sure I would not go and drink today. Damn...

:welcome to SR! Congrats on nine days sober. :) I'm glad you found us and joined the family. You'll find lots of support here. :hug:

Welcome Correy :)

I'm sorry for what bought you here, but the really great thing is although we can't do a lot about our past, we really can do a lot about our present :)

I think supports really important, so I'm glad you've found us.
Are you thinking of any face to face support as well?

It sounds like you have had a tough time of it.

I only know one thing for sure about your situation though and that is that drinking won't improve a damn thing for you.

Thank you for such a nice welcome! I am happy to report, I've resisted and did not drink!!!

:tyou

I performed a little trick on my brain -- I said to myself, let me work on the gig I am trying to win, and once I have the $$ I go out and "celebrate." No, I do not plan to do it, but it, somehow, removed the urge and I was able to work and not to agonize over the urge for drink.

9th day rescued!!

Hey Correy,
I'm only on day 12, but I often talk to myself and I will also bribe my Addicted Voice to leave me alone. But I tell my voice that tomorrow I will take him on a long bike ride and let him enjoy the resultant endorphins and if he is nice he might get some ice cream as a reward. Anyway you might want to search AVRT as a method to keep the addicted voice at bay.

AND Congrats on the 9 days--it just gets easier with time.

Congrats! Once you realize the force you can be sober you really don't want to go back to drinking again.