JadeSatellite

Why can't I just stop? The urge is overwhelming. Right now I'm on pins and needles telling myself not to get a drink, that I can't keep continuing on this horrible cycle. I feel so ashamed of the horrible things I've done while black-out drunk. I have damaged my relationship probably beyond any repair. I made my partner feel unsafe in our home. I've destroyed property. I wake up with bruises and I have no idea how I got them. There are some mornings when I wake up absolutely petrified over what I may or may not have done, because I don't remember. How can something this damaging and detrimental still have this terrible hold on me? Why can't I just stop? It's such a struggle to *not* do something, even when I know it will probably end badly.

pinkdog

Hi Jade, many people get help to quit. Doctors can give you anti-anxiety meds. Counselors can help you resolve issues. Get some help. Nothing wrong with getting help. Very best to you. Coming here is a good idea.

FeenixxRising

Quitting is tough Jade, if it were not, this board would not exist, Rehabs would not exist, programs like AA and SMART would not exist.

Don't beat yourself up too much. I know exactly how you feel. You may need help. It's probably time for you to make some tough decisions. Do you need a stay in Rehab? Maybe an intensive outpatient program? A stay in detox? AA meetings? Or just a visit to you Doctor to talk with him/her about your drinking situation and the recovery options available.

Whatever it is, it sounds like it's time to help yourself by seeking help. Keep in mind that things may suck now, but if you stop drinking things will get better, and in many cases life can improve greatly in a few weeks, provided you give up the booze.

Hang in there, I know it's tough, I know it sucks, I know there are two of you fighting right now: the rational you that knows you don't want to drink, and the addicted you that says you need to drink. Let your rational side win, at least for today.

JadeSatellite

I just can't believe how selfish I let myself get. I didn't treat my partner right, when they are one of the most important people I've ever known. I am feeling such pity for myself, and that is making me sick - how can you work for sobriety for yourself when you hate who you've become? Why bother? Why try when you've already destroyed everything that you cared about? I lost myself in a million bottles and I don't know where I left my pieces.

HeadLump

Hi Jade. There is clearly a part of you that really, really wants sobriety. Listen to it. You can change your life and you need never wake up petrified again.

Pinkdog is right. There is help out there. Grab it.

I once read that you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start from here and change the ending. Time to re-write your story?

Anna

I felt exactly the same way you do right now. And, I almost lost my marriage too. And, I couldn't stop and began to not care. But, I am here to tell you that I did it, and you can do it. Step up and begin your recovery today. This disease is relentless and it will take your life if you let it.

soberhawk

You are worth saving Jade, you have to recognize that.

First drinking our self senseless and then beat ourselves up over it – it is terrible destructive.

I do not know what to advice.

For how long are you able to stay sober?

colagirl

Hi Jade. I wish I had more advice for you but I just wanted to say that you sound exactly like me. I could have written your post myself. Every blackout gets worse - my last one a couple of days ago ended in my house almost burning down and me not knowing whether or not I got in my car and drove somewhere in that state (I have no memory at all, just lots of random clues laying around). I think every time I get away with an "episode" (which is a lot), I get more and more arrogant, thinking that I can do whatever I want to with no consequences. It makes me sick.

Like you, I have no idea why I can't stop even though this is insane behavior. Posting on here regularly is a great first step - it helped me a lot when I was serious about quitting a few years ago. Of course, I stopped posting, and kept drinking. I'm hoping starting it up again will be a good supplement to my determination this time.

BrokeBad

Jade, I completely understand the hopelessness. I absolutely hate the person I've become, but have not been able to stop. I am taking steps to alter my life as of today.

1. Take one moment at a time, because really all we have is this one, current moment. There is absolutely nothing in the past and nothing in the future. Just this moment.

2. Love and respect yourself enough to make just one right choice for yourself in this present moment. Just one.

3. Shine a light on booze brain and see it for what it is. A selfish a$$hole who doesn't care if you lose everything. Shine a light and expose it for its lies and deception.

Hugs to you.

john44

I've been exactly where you've been; the blackouts, the terrible cravings, drinking despite knowing I was destroying my life and the lives of my loved ones. Firstly, I needed to get into inpatient detox, I'm pretty sure I would have died if I didn't. Secondly, I think I was really ready to stop. I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to continue drinking. I go to AA meetings. I don't currently have a sponsor but I have worked the steps and try to incorporate the philosophy into my life.

So, here I am now. Sober 130 days, physically feeling pretty well, without cravings. If I can do it, believe me, anyone can.

trikyriky

Sorry you aren't feelin well . I do hope things get better

Truly
Tr

Hevyn

Hi Jade. There are so many good comments here already - I hope it helps to know you aren't alone.

I kept picking up because each time I was determined there'd be a different outcome. I couldn't stand to let go of it completely, so I'd make a lame attempt at controlling it. Of course that never worked, and I kept digging my hole deeper. I had to be brought to my knees to admit I could never touch it again. I'm so glad you're here and getting advice and encouragement. You can rise above the mess and have a new life Jade -here's where it can end. Never give up on yourself - you're here and trying - and you can do this.

JadeSatellite

It comforts me to know I'm not alone. I have just had declining self esteem, because it feels like I *can't* quit. Like it's a horrible beast that is inside my head, saying "Just one more bottle and then I'll quit." "I'll just go to the bar for one shot, that won't be bad." "Wine is better than hard liquor, you can handle wine." It's infuriating to hear these thoughts coming from myself, being completely selfish and careless, only seeking to feed the beast what it wants. I don't even hear myself anymore - I can't trust me.

JadeSatellite

That is so true - I always think that this time will be different, that I'll be able to get a buzz and stop at that. But it never happens. I keep consuming and drinking until half a bottle is gone and I still want to drink that other half - wanting to guzzle the rest of the bottle while simultaneously resenting myself. I finish drinking to pass out so I don't have to think. But life shouldn't be about dulling your experiences, it should be celebrated awake and with eyes open. I don't want to keep doing this to myself.

least

Have you thought of counseling? I see an addiction counselor and she's been a great help to me, not just in sobriety, but in dealing with my whole life.

I hope you will get the help you need to stop drinking. Life is so much better sober.

Dee74

Hi Jade

I know I've felt like you do - it's a lonely terrifying place...

but the way out of anywhere is to move...be active, do something for your recovery, rather than doing something for your addiction.

Find support, make the changes in your life you know you need to.
It's not easy, but then neither is the life you're living now - and you're not alone here

you can do this

D

JadeSatellite

I don't have insurance, and I lost my job (I found another, but no insurance). I am calling a rehab place tomorrow that is nearby and does inpatient, outpatient and counseling. I was seeing a free clinic that prescribed me anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I want this to be it, to be done with it once and for all. I can't moderate. I can't keep trying and failing. It's not worth it. My body hurts, my liver probably hates me, I keep getting myself into trouble. And for what? A high? A buzz? I feel so pathetic that I couldn't realize I was screwing my life up. Well no, I take that back: I did realize it, but the drive to drink was greater. :/

colagirl

I know what you mean. I often feel like I'm two different people. The successful, productive, caring, responsible person that everyone sees me as, and this selfish, terrible, insane person sitting alone in my house, crying, drinking, and being driven solely by the need for alcohol.

I have said to myself so many times, "just this one last binge, then I'll quit for good..." Sometimes it lasts a week, sometimes not even a day. One of the things I'm trying to do now when I have a craving is to remember just how many times I've said exactly that same thing, how it always works out, and how I wish I had really followed through the first time. Imagine how much suffering could have been avoided!

JadeSatellite

The urge to just say "One more and then I'll stop" is so insistent.

Dee74

It's never just one more tho, is it?

D