Same ol story
 

Hi all, I've been a long time lurker. A few years ago, I managed one year sober with the support of daily visits to this amazing site. I started drinking again, now a whole year has slipped by, with me progressively drinking more and more.

I am in search of a new way, or maybe it's not new, but it's me actually caring about myself and taking action. I hope to help others, too....

Welcome to SR Brokebad.

Hi Broke, welcome back. We are glad you are here.

Hi, BrokeBad!

Welcome to the posting side of SR, Octsobermate!

Your year of sobriety is not lost - you still have your experience and sobriety time. Dust yourself off, analyze mistakes, then leave them behind and move forward.

Make today Day 1, make an adjusted plan that works for you, look for sobriety programs available, join October thread.

Best wishes to you on the sobriety journey!

Welcome Broke. Time to recommit? You've done it before, so you can do it again. Did you try AA, or any other type of recovery program?

Thanks!!!!!
 

Hi all, thank you. Intellectually, I know that year was significant. I was healthy and real. I long to get back. I will do it again for good, I know this.

I have many demons to deal with, not the least of which is extreme anxiety. It scares me to death to even post here. AA has not been an option because of the anxiety. I cannot bring myself to share my alcoholism with anyone but two close friends (online friends I've never actually met). So this community means the world to me. I feel closer to SR people than anyone in my daily life. Isn't that nuts? I am committed to changing that, though.

Well, then I am total nuts, I suppose)))

IMHO, it's not about "nuts", but about fantastic feeling we get when share our concerns and emotions without being judged, or ridiculed. We find deep understanding here without being afraid to share fears, expose demons, and be just who we are.

Never be anxious to post here)

Welcome back to SR.

Nice!
 

Thank you, Midnight. I've always liked you!!!! LOL

Hi broke, welcome! I've been around the site quite a bit for several years but not actively posting for a long time. You sound a lot like me - I struggle with a lot of anxiety too, and also haven't told anyone in my "real life" that I have a problem. I made lots of great friends here over the years, many of which I have also connected with over email and facebook. It makes a huge difference as long as I keep up with those connections.

Broke bad years ago .... Secretly
 

Thanks, Colagirl. I believe the root of my issue is that I feel the need to be perfect in every way, to everybody. I cannot bear the thought of others seeing me as flawed. So, I secretly "broke bad" years ago. Google the phrase if you're not familiar! LOL

I was always the kid the other parents wanted their kids to hang out with, always the perfect employee, the perfect girlfriend who didn't make waves. But in my inner life I was a rebel, a drug taker, an alcoholic, a cheating partner. Yuck me. But I have a perverse thrill with this because I'm doing something contrary to what everyone expects.....

I'm working to correct this flaw. It's not pretty. Advise?

:welcome to SR! I'm glad you joined the family. :hug: You'll find lots of support here. :)

I can very much relate to what you are saying. The same "perfect set". And secret wish to break bad.

Anyway,I don't think it's downward flaw. Rather my inner true self is desperately screaming to be let out of "built-to-be-perfect-and-please-everyone" prison.

Advise? I just can tell what's finally started to work for me.

When I've started journey to my true self, with little baby steps, getting to know who I am vs. who I am expected to be. It's when I stand my ground without being bothered whether I look like a 'good girl" or a "b***" - then I'm "breaking bad".

When I face my long-rooted fears and make a step ahead - then I am braking bad again. And it gives so much more than "breaking bad" with a bottle, which is, IMHO, just a media-imposed BS.

Don't be hard on yourself. One day at a time)

welcome BB

Perfection was one of my things too. At it core it was because I never felt I was really good enough. I felt I would always be 'found out'.

It left me like a cat on hot tin roof - and looking for ways to relax....

you can adjust your way of thinking. It takes a while but the only think you really need to get a handle on initially is that drinking is not a solution :)

In the longer term, staying sober and getting to know who I really was, and being comfortable with that, was a major part of me letting go of being the General Manager of the universe.

I am what I am :)

D

WOW. I can't believe how much what you just said describes me as well. I'm always the "perfect" one everyone looks to for answers or strength - friends, family, coworkers. I hate being wrong so I go to great lengths to make sure it doesn't happen. If it does, I beat myself up way more than is necessary. Even though I'm the one who created this mold for myself, I think other people have shaped their expectations of me around it, so I really do feel like I let people down by being flawed in any way.

Boy can I ever relate to this, especially!

PS - I love your username! Who doesn't want to hang with Jesse Pinkman?? :)

I typically do not recommend this book for those with less than a year sober and who have a familiarity with AA. However, it seems appropriate here.

The book is called "The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning" by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham.

Perfection in weakness...
 

Thank you, AW, I will check that out. It is all a bunch of BS, isn't it. A self-created and self-imposed prison most definitely.

As far as breaking bad, I've just redefined this thanks to this thread. Nice!!!!!! I'm free, like Jesse.....

You guys rock it, hard.

Yep! Like Jesse, you can make your new freedom anything you want it to be!