ctopanga

My boyfriend of over a year just completed day 30 of a 90-day rehab stay for xanax addiction (he was also doing molly toward the end). He had been very open with his drug history with me, but it sounded like it was more recreational use, not addictive behavior. About five months ago his behavior started changing in ways that I didn't understand and could never figure out why. He lied to me until I went through his phone and found evidence - then the truth all came out. His parents suspected from the beginning and stepped in to get him to a rehab facility. He went willingly, admitting he needed help, apologizing for what he had done and thankful for a second chance.

He is doing really, really well, and I'm so glad he's there. But I honestly had no idea what he was doing and am still so angry. The shock has worn off, but it's still horrifying to me that he was letting me pay for things while he was buying and to a limited extent selling. I don't know what to do. I know I need to concentrate on me, and I've been going to therapy and taking steps to make positive changes in my life (finally starting that novel I've dreamed about writing, exercising more, etc.). He is looking forward to starting our life together after he completes his time at rehab, and I honestly cannot think about that right now. I am just so hurt, and don't know if I can have a family with a man who lied to me and with the threat of relapse hanging over my head for the rest of my life. While I'm not in shock he's gone anymore, I'm still in shock this happened. I have never even smoked a cigarette - drugs are very scary to me. I still love him so much, but cannot (and should not) commit to a life with him right now. I really thought I had it all figured out. He is such a good person, and our relationship really is amazing - all except for this.

I know you all have probably heard this exact story before. But it's nice to just type it out. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far!

LadyinBC

Hi Ctopanga. Welcome to SR. I think working on yourself is a great first step. It sounds like you have your head on pretty good. It is always wise to really think carefully before deciding to get involved with someone who has an addiction problem.

I know for me I will always be an alcoholic and I will always have to work on myself.

You also might find Al-anon helpful. Also there is a forum here for family of addicts, you will find alot of information there as well.

You will also get lots of support here as well.

suki44883

You are right not to think about that right now. Rehab is no guarantee of anything. Look how many times people have gone to rehab numerous times. When he gets out of rehab, he is going to have a long row to hoe. He will have learned a lot about how to cope with cravings and such, but how he uses that knowledge will determine whether or not he remains clean. If he can make a full year of staying clean and working a program, you might revisit the situation, but that isn't mandatory.

You are under no obligation to pick up where you left off. You sound like a very intelligent person with a lot of opportunities ahead of you. Think long and hard about whether you want to hook up again with an addict.

We have a wonderful forum here for friends and family of substance abusers. I hope you'll check it out. You'll find a lot of support there.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome to SR!

ctopanga

Thank you so much for your quick reply! I guess my problem is when I fell in love with him, I didn't know he was an addict - and now I still love him and have to come to terms with this or let him go. I will definitely check that board out - thanks for the welcome!

atalose

Welcome!!

It's scary thinking about the rest of your life with an addict where they will always be one bad decision away from using again.

Nothing says you need to make that decision today or even tomorrow that your relationship continues with him.

You do have allot to think about and process, the past and the future. Active addicts always lie, addiction is progressive and recovery has to always be first and for most in his life other wise he's right back to where he was when he entered rehab.

You do understand that rehab is not the solution and the real hard part for addicts is when they come out of rehab and are left on their vices to remain clean. It's take allot of commitment each and every single day for them to remain clean. My experience has been they work a real strong program out of the gate of rehab then it begins to slip and slide then soon so are they. Not saying it's not possible, recovery is always possible and remaining clean/sober has been done but millions.

Try not to feel rushed or pushed into making any decision you are not ready to make.

suki44883

I was just reading over some threads and found this. It might help you...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-painful.html


This article is so good I thought that it deserved its own thread. Googling this type of topic brings up a lot of great stuff.

The Knowledge that my feelings and intense pain were not "love" but chemically induced help me work on controlling my obsession and addiction to the addict.

Check it out: The Neuroscience of Relationship Breakups | Psychology Today

ctopanga

Thank you suki for posting. I am loving all the info on these boards - but my heart is breaking for everyone else going through this. I feel comfort in knowing others understand my pain, and am so sad about that at the same time.

suki44883

You're welcome. Please know that you are not alone. This website is chock full of people who are, or have been, in the exact same situation in which you find yourself. Drink in our experience, strength and hope. You are in very good hands here.

least

to SR! Do check out that friends and family forum for more insight. You'll find a ton of support here.