complacency and fear....
 

The beginning sucked....withdrawl..... Admitting that you're an alcoholic--not fun.
Realizing all of the issues and problems that you've over looked in your fog of drunkeness for years--overwhelming.
But....here I am.
I love waking up sober and I love even more seeing my future as a promising adventure and knowing that I have the potential to be happy and free from the wrath of the bottle.
That being said, I have a lot of fear. I know that this is normal, but I'm hoping that someone can give me some insights.
I'm afraid that I'll become complacent. That even though now I feel pretty strong....I might fall.
I've begun telling people who I love that I'm doing this. They are so happy--it's really touching to hear how happy they are, and strange that I never realized they were so concerned.
I don't want to disappoint them.
It's hard to make any decisions and not worry that it might be hard to do now and what if something inside of me forgets and I just give up.
I see myself in ten years and I love the idea that I'll be sober. It's hard to imagine.....and I just worry that the alternative will be horrible and I'll have to be disappointed with myself for failing.
Does the resolve just get stronger?
During the first week, I was just sure I'd never be able to do it.....and now it seems doable.....but still there are so many what ifs.....
Now, I wake up and feel good and strong, but yet, why is it that in the middle of the meeting i"m just sure I'll go afterwards for a beer? Where does this come from? There just no rationale and it's so unsettling.
After a meeting today I went out to dinner with two awesome people. Great people....we were cracking jokes, etc. but they were good about looking me in the eyes and saying, "hey, I don't know your hell....I only know my own and I know I don't want to go back there."
Of course I don't want to go back there....but I'm afraid of myself.
What do I have to acheive before this goes away?
I quit smoking for 8 months and was sure I'd never smoke again. I hated it. And now....I'm sitting with a pack of cancer right in front of me. I don't understand how I let myself go back.
Any advice about this?
One day at a time....but I don't know how to go about that exactly.

Hey Rednose
 

:wave:

Glad you made it HERE! I just wanted to tell you a little about what popped into my head as I was reading your post.

I am living proof that it does get easier with time. Not every day is a great day, but its a hell of alot better my best day drunk.

I have just about 18 months under my belt. In the beginning it was tough, I think I was even going thru all the stages one goes thru with death of a loved one. Drinking was certainly a loved one of mine. I remember being absolutely PISSED OFF that I couldn't drink normal, and others could. I was sad, mad, bitter, blaming etc......

I will tell you this, having a CLEAR mind for this long has made me open my eyes and learn so much about ME, that I never knew!! The missing links started coming together. I started learning why I started using at 14, and what kept me out there until I was 35!! At the end I was drinking everday, all day, from the moment I got up, until I passed out. Would drink before work, during work (if I made it in) and after. Until I hit bottom and my body couldn't do it anymore.

I am LEARNING to live life each day that comes, learning to LOVE life, and its actually good! lol

I feel like I am kind of rambling here, but the bottom line for me in the very beginning was playing that tape forward, what would happen if I did take that first drink. That TAPE has kept me from going back out. I love life, look forward to things. I still need more of a social life, but I do think everything will fall into place when it is supposed to.

So chin up, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and everything will be just fine!

Jackie

Hi Red,
Remain honest, determined, and work your program and those feelings of "what if" will begin to subside. I think most of us go through that uncertainty about ourselves failing in the begining. Why shouldn't we? We've never succeeded before. But when your final phase of "sick of it all" hit's you, you become more confident in your ability to stay sober, more self assured, this is the right decision, and at peace, truly at peace for the first time. You know it's all going to be okay. Give yourself time, your right where you should be. *hugs*

((((rach)))
 

We have a powerful disease which works on us in many different ways trying to get us to take that first drink.The thought of a drink or drug can pop into my head out of nowhere.Even in an AA meeting ! It doesnt mean we are doing anything wrong its the disease working on us.Alot of times alls I can do is keep my head where my feet are! You hang in there.You are doing great ! I am pullin for you. Prayers :angel2: Trish

heh rach
i have been clean/sober now for 8 continuous years- what i have done is to embrace the programs of NA/AA as a constant , joyful, growth enhancing part of my life. So i still go to 2 or more meetings a week, i still call my sponsor, i still work the steps, i still work with newcomers and sponsees and, most importantly, i still do not use one day at a time....all the stuff i began doing as a cynical,shaky, WTF is this? newcomer...

i understand that there are other ways to do this, but as i can tell you, and as anyone who knew me well before and now can tell you, every area of my life has gotten bigger and more beautiful! Not all of that progress has happenend quickly, but it HAS HAPPENED- for this drunk, the promises have, indeed come true. I will be at a meeting tonight, most likely with a sponsee. I see not one reason to do this any other way...
And i certainly see no reason to fear what i have found....
hugs
mackat

Hi Rachel, I was just like you too. wondering when the other shoe would drop. But it hasn't so far. The fear of drinking is pretty much gone. I have sort of gotten used to not drinking and that is normal for me now. But in the beginning fear helpe motivate me and kept me working the steps. I was always afraid that I wasn't being thorough enough. That I'd left someting out of my 4thstep or 5th step that was going to get me drunk. And through all this I just went to meetings, chaired meetings, talked with my sponsor, worked the steps, helped others, and the days accumulated. I dont know when the fear left but dont be in to big of a hurry to get rid of it. Right now it is your friend; it is telling you that you are on a serious mission and you had better not slack off.


Oh and dont forget to Take It Easy......

Thanks Guys

The responses have certainly helped me Rach - I hoped they helped you as much. Thank you for asking the question.

much love

JC

Hi Rachel, I am feeling exactly how your feeling ! I know I can do this but I am so scared of failing. Offcourse it is easy for now to be confident but that's because I am alone and have no peer pressure to have a drink. Then I thought today maybe it was good thing being scared because i will not put myself in certain situations. This is my third day so I know it will be tough but it's good to know that we are in this together.
Reading your question is making me more confident as you should be as well. Thanks

Hi there,
Thanks again for all of the responses.
I brought up this question to some people at AA. I said, "I just feel so strong now and hope I can keep my resolve."
I posed this to a few people and they all said the same thing. Basically: Don't fight it.
You resign yourself to this because if you fight it, if it's about your "resolve" you WILL fail.
The past week has been the biggest as far as me wrapping my mind around some of the AA philosophies.
Also, I swear, there were FIREWORKS going off over the weekend. Step one is my focus still and suddenly, it dawned on me....a couple of times.
I have been fighting the "powerless" issue....powerless, powerless...what does it me to be POWERLESS over alcohol....surely I'M not powerless. blah blah blah blah blah....
Then, I was sitting in the meeting Friday and I had myself absolutely convinced I was going to leave the meeting and go have ONE beer...time for another test, etc. etc.
BOOM
THAT is powerless. Sitting in a room talking about your sobriety, then spending five minutes convincing yourself that you're going to go drink.
I didn't. I went out to dinner with two other people who let me ask questions and gave me some great answers.
I never wanted to think of it as a "disease" because I think this and I think that......but when someone says, "THAT IS YOUR DISEASE TALKING" the semantics don't really matter.
Things are becoming clear for step one, though I still catch myself thinking/sharing/saying things that make absolutely no sense.
Funny to me is that three weeks ago I sat in a meeting and said NEVER...I'll never go the rest of my life without one drink. It seemed impossible. But nowadays, I'm really getting into this and seeing in myself some really scary history.
I am pretty chipper these past few days but then I get tired and emotional and overwhelmed. But, I like this whole, "resign yourself" way of thinking because knowing myself (and my relapse with cigarettes after a WHOPPING eight months) I can't fight for the rest of my life.
rachel