Aiko

I new it...
I just had a great morning...
(Uploaded an Albun Stupa for you)

But I was putting up with one that had not slept all night and took s**t and had a fight... so just was all taking care of her.
Do not worry... bla bla bla,,, what is done is done...
Maybe you should consider give it a break ....

All sort of advice to help her rethink what kind of life she was living...

Once again...
I ADVICE V DOES NOT APPLY TO ME...

After I left her safe and sound at home...
I started phoning asking for pot...
And I when to a house to get stupid in the head and get palpitations.
I even join a 10km Race on Line High...
What is the sense on that???

I knew days ago I was going to do it...

I do not know why I post it... after I f**ed it...
I do not deserve to talk on the site...
You all take it seriously.

I want to stop... this is no life, fighting the thoughts, fighting being in the middle...the two sides of the head I am tired of myself I really am...

Yesterday I got VERY aggressive in the car...
I really scared the s**t out of an IDIOT
But lost it... It could have got out of hand but I stopped...

Now that I have smoked and got dizzy.
what was the point on that, I even was thinking to take a Tranquilizer,
+ my antidepressants,

I lost a great day, ended up hiding from my family; so they do not notice... and got a headache...

I NEEDED TO DO IT
and I think I am going to do my best to STOP IT...
Do not know how long... but I need to rest from this fight.

I am always doing the same...
First I build up in my head...
I want it...
I need it...
I start to crave...
I just can not wait...
I start getting nervous...
I get anxiety...
I lose it...
I look for anything...
Do it..
Regret it...
Will not do it again...

AND START ALL OVER AGAIN

I am lossing my life going in circles...
there is so much to enjoy in life...
But noooooo

SkyeSea

Tomorrow is a new day x

Aiko

How many more times I am going to do it...
How many times I am going to regret...
How many times I am going to have to hide it...
How many times I am going to have to get up....

It just never ends...

dwtbd

aiko, "You" are the power stop "It", decide to quit, decide to enjoy all that life has, and do not let "it" change your mind , you seem like a fighter , the Fights on , You can win
wish you well

Dee74

As long as you're convinced you need it, you're making it very hard for yourself Aiko.
Why do you 'need' it?

D

Aiko

I DO NOT KNOW

I DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM THINKING TO TAKE BENZOS NOW...
WHY DO I HAVE TO GET LIKE THIS...

I AM JUST NOT WELL IN THE HEAD...
BECAUSE I AM NOT STUPID
WHY DO I DO ITTTTT




I think... I just was building up all week...

last Sunday I was preparing for the Half Marathon so nervous and happy,
I manage to achieve it... all said I would not finish it...
and I wanted to finish it even if I crawled the last line...

But then again...
when it gets in my head just will not stop... until I do it...
and then I try to convince people to give it up!!!!

I am a Hypocrite
I am all a façade,... I hide what I am inside...
I am a magazine cover...
Everybody looks at me...
She has got all, she has a great life, she has a job, a house, a car, friends, family,...
But they do not know what is behind.

I lost so much weight in 1.9 year...
my hair

people think I am anorexic and but I actually eat for two sometimes...

I think I am going to finish it off...
and tomorrow start again...
but I want to stop this vicious circle...

soberhawk

I at least have to prepare to win the battles.

Have you experienced with meditation, if you do that every morning or evening for 10 minutes you can train to regain focus and it can give you an advantage in the difficult situation.

There is a also method called urge surfing you could check out What is Urge Surfing?, it has been helpful to me at least.

It is hard going in circles when we have noticed that we do it.

Do not be to hard on yourself that will not help.

Take care Aiko.

least

Convince yourself that you don't 'need' it, you just 'want' it, and that's different. You don't have to give in to your 'wants'.

Aiko

SoberHawk

you are right, have to be prepared but i am not.
I have been trying... in the hard way... just do not...
And does not work...

I have to document it,.. the problem is I am having serious problems with concentration... I find difficult read...
It is affecting me at work... and I work with my head...
I manage many information and money... and public... and heavy work load...

Reading a book now is a Odiessy

The antidepressants are leaving me a bit head lighted...

But you are right I have to have some background how to face it.
as I am not getting very far, doing it the hard way...

At least I have this site now...
I am learning from it...
I believe is going to help many many people through this Hiden Illness.

Aiko

YOU ARE RIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
I do not phisicaly need it...
I JUST WANT ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

GOD

Aiko

I feel like S**t today.

I could not get up today... I still am sleepy... and still think to take more Alprazol...
But if I do I will not be able to go runnig again....
and I need to get it out of the system
I will have to get rid of them again.... but I can not.
And if I do I will go mad thinkg how to gel hold of them....

But I wont smoke pot anymore. I wont!
I always get heart palpitations and loose control.
But luckily did not have alcohol nearby

I need to change.
To chanel my energy to something positibe.
I got better my head is quiet now.
Is my oportunity to get out.

I must NOT Take today... y have to get to 7 oclock.... and run.
Or I will regret.

jaynie04

Someone posted a link to an article here recently, I can't find it sorry.

The basic message was switching one word in your vocabulary to more accurately reflect reality.

I can't drink/use (implies an external force, which really isn't the case)

I don't drink/use (indicates a choice)

When you strip everything else away, it is a choice. Use that power.

Aiko

Thank you Jaynie,

Will try to change words...
I have read something about it somewhere too.
Will look it up.

Aiko

This is not getting any better.

I am giving in... I do not have any excuse..
I found out I do not Need it But I Want to,
and I WANT TO IS GETTING BIGGER BY DAY.

I was under pressure today at work and had to go out to get air,
and was thinking I can take an Alprazolam to calm down, I can not go back to it.
Then I thought If a mate I know in the would have some pot sitting near my desk...?

I can feel pressure at the back of my head... Physically.
I have not taken all day my meds.
If I take it now is too late, my head skid already.
and am getting ready to go out.

I was doing so well, I really got better with the depression/anxaety,
all is working well, why am doing it????
I really am up to here..... of my behaviour.
why can not live like the rest, getting on with their lives,
I really am lucky and I do not get it...

soberhawk

You are rather impatient things do not change overnight.

Life is a lot easier if we do not use substances to confuse our mind all the time, it is you know.

But it takes more than a day to find that stability.

You should take better care of yourself.

Have you considered using a vacation for a rehab or something similar, walk the Camino?

Aiko

Thank you Soberhawk,

But actually have been trying to stop all since 20/12/12.
And sometimes I just get tired.
And I loose it.

I have been taking anything since I was 16 I am 38 now.
Is not that I am impatience I am tired of myself, my head.
This do it
Do not do it.

Gets to a point I do it just to have some peace...

But I am feeling a bit better now.
the problem now I am going to face the exposure of all.
I can either take things or get back home straight.
I have to walk on the edge...

But I am getting better and I believe soon I will be able to control it.
Fingers crossed

soberhawk

Sounds good aiko.

It is not fair that we have to struggle so much, I know that feeling.

Life does getter better with age though, but if we make an effort maybe it will improve a little faster.

Aiko

Hiiiii,

I feel much better I took my tablets, I am taking them too late in the evening,
and I got better now.

I went to see a friend, she was in a well chair a couple of months ago,
had a tumour on the spinal cord and today she was able to stood up.
Really a miracle, she wants to live so much, she is fighting to get out of chair as quick as possible...

I started running with her and now she waits for me at the finishing line.
and she never looses her smile

I have to do the same get out of my own chair...

Thank you for all your support

PippoRossi

Ciao, Aiko. I'm happy to read that you are doing better today. You can do this if you really want it. I had a couple of false starts myself, but I'm on the straight and narrow now. ****** hugs }}}

Aiko

I Had a really bad day yesterday and today.

And I provoked it. All the results of my actions...

I am picking again and feel very bad today...
I did it on Saturday as well.... and do not know why am looking for it.

I do not feel well today.
I did not sleep well and working today was so hard.

The worst thing was that I drove stoned... sorry but I did... and was hard to keep the distance between cars... I was scared I was half gone and kept on saying look the other cars... awake... wake up... and I know is really really wrong.

But had to do something for someone very important in my life.
and was not thinking straight. My excuse.

And when one of my friend saw me at night she was very upset,
as I always say I am going to change but I keep on doing things.
I am not going to the doctors for a couple of months now.

And started crying frustrated with me.
She had a coca addict boyfriend and at the end she had to leave him.

I feel really bad, I do not want to hurt people.
they do not have to put up with my bad choices, and when I am down I cry on their shoulders...is not fair on them.

But it is just I have this thing inside asking me to take.
I am doing better with alcohol. I got drunk about 3 Thursdays ago.
and still struggle when I have a bottle next to me.
I suffer cos I want a drink.

I wish I was not like this, but I am, it is just the habit of so many years,
and the WANT calls, I love being unconsciousness I am not going to lay.
So my head stops thinking. And always want more I can never have enough.


I wish I would have never got in the circle.
and I am finding hard to break it once and for all.
I said last night I was going to do it.
And today I am scared I will not be able.