What do you have if you don't have sobriety ?
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
What do you have if you don't have sobriety ?
On my run this morning I was reflecting on how my life has changed since I made sobriety a priority. Yes, I was in bed fast asleep by 9:15 on a Friday night. And I thought about what I was missing out on.
And then, I realized I didn't really miss it.
I'm in my 40s now. I wasted my 30s in a melange of stress and booze. I built up all the things that serve the ego in a virtual sh-tstorm of misery and woe. I got the cars, the houses, the business, the kids, the husband, the friends, all the accoutrements that are supposed to make life so valuable. And all the while, I was just trying not to die. I was constantly dizzy from the strife and the struggling that I was never able to appreciate it.
Hell, I'm not sure I ever even really wanted it.
It's just what you do right ? You bust your hump and compete to get into a good college, to get a great job, to have all those things. All the "stuff". And all the while I was amassing this so called hearts desire, I was so GD miserable I could barely breathe.
So I drank.
And drank, and drank and drank and drank and drank. Because no matter what I had, it wasn't enough. Nothing would ever be enough. Because I was empty. Inside. And the alcohol fueled that void. It was the reason for the void. Let me repeat that:
Alcohol alone was the REASON FOR THE VOID.
It rubbed its hands together, salivating and bucking and wild eyed, stole the very soul straight out of me. And I handed it over willingly, because it had me that controlled. A cult. Just a zombie going through the motions, racking up the stuff that kept me falling back into the hell of the bottle. Wow.
That old chestnut "hindsight" is 20/20. It's like how I look back at my 20 year old body now that I'm 44 and think "you gotta be freaking kidding me, you were FABULOUS". Yet, at the time, I thought I was deplorable.
Well no more. I will be looking back at my 40's and think, you finally started to "get it". What matters, what's important. Being in just this moment. SOBER.
I literally have NOTHING, if I don't have my sobriety.
And then, I realized I didn't really miss it.
I'm in my 40s now. I wasted my 30s in a melange of stress and booze. I built up all the things that serve the ego in a virtual sh-tstorm of misery and woe. I got the cars, the houses, the business, the kids, the husband, the friends, all the accoutrements that are supposed to make life so valuable. And all the while, I was just trying not to die. I was constantly dizzy from the strife and the struggling that I was never able to appreciate it.
Hell, I'm not sure I ever even really wanted it.
It's just what you do right ? You bust your hump and compete to get into a good college, to get a great job, to have all those things. All the "stuff". And all the while I was amassing this so called hearts desire, I was so GD miserable I could barely breathe.
So I drank.
And drank, and drank and drank and drank and drank. Because no matter what I had, it wasn't enough. Nothing would ever be enough. Because I was empty. Inside. And the alcohol fueled that void. It was the reason for the void. Let me repeat that:
Alcohol alone was the REASON FOR THE VOID.
It rubbed its hands together, salivating and bucking and wild eyed, stole the very soul straight out of me. And I handed it over willingly, because it had me that controlled. A cult. Just a zombie going through the motions, racking up the stuff that kept me falling back into the hell of the bottle. Wow.
That old chestnut "hindsight" is 20/20. It's like how I look back at my 20 year old body now that I'm 44 and think "you gotta be freaking kidding me, you were FABULOUS". Yet, at the time, I thought I was deplorable.
Well no more. I will be looking back at my 40's and think, you finally started to "get it". What matters, what's important. Being in just this moment. SOBER.
I literally have NOTHING, if I don't have my sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Thanks for this post, Alpha. I feel like we have lead parallel lives. I am 42 and coming to a new awakening every day as to what is really important to me. The other day when I dropped my daughter off at school she skipped down the sidewalk into the school. People always comment about her happy, light energy. My mom told me that I was like that when I was a girl. I realize that I let alcohol steal my joy. By numbing my feelings, I also numbed all of the happy feelings that at one time were a big part of me. Alcohol doesn't deserve the best part of me, any part of me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
WOW! You must have been tearing up the turf on that run this am sista sista! Bravo! God the perspective of looking back makes it all seem so clear, why can't we see it when we are in it?? You know what, I think often we can't see ourselves in the present, we can look in the rearview mirror and it seems so obvious, but when we are in it, the present value, it can be impossible to see. And that is why I think the value of having each other who can help us see what we are struggling to see ourselves is in effect...........priceless. And you my friend...priceless!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I read this post a few times and I am trying to find the words to express how much I appreciate what you wrote. There is nothing material or monetary that will ever fill the Void. We can have everything under the sun that out "heart" desired, but when that empty feeling still persists we need to listen. At the end of the day when one sits with themselves, it seems to me like the best reward is having listened, having helped others, and nurturing that deeper part of ourselves. I commend you Alpha for listening. Keep on rockin it!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Another beauty, AO.
Funny because I hit my late 30s and looked around at all the things I should have had but didn't (husband, kids, house) and the thing I did have (job that took me around the world and paid me lots of money) and was still massively miserable. I kept throwing things on top of that misery trying to bury it and when that didn't work, I tried to drink it away.
So, same thing almost. Oh, but the guilt! The guilt of having all of those things AND still being miserable. Still being like, "What the eff is wrong with you? You should be thrilled to be here, doing this, having that! You're free!"
Ha. Free.
And yes, so many years and years wasted in a fog of drinking, anxiety, drinking...
I'll be 39 in two months and I am determined not to waste any more years like that. I am learning to value peace at any price.
For a woman who lived her life in the middle of a self-created storm of chaos for 20 years, that's something to grapple with.
One day, one step, at a time.
Love ya sister and thanks for the post!
Funny because I hit my late 30s and looked around at all the things I should have had but didn't (husband, kids, house) and the thing I did have (job that took me around the world and paid me lots of money) and was still massively miserable. I kept throwing things on top of that misery trying to bury it and when that didn't work, I tried to drink it away.
So, same thing almost. Oh, but the guilt! The guilt of having all of those things AND still being miserable. Still being like, "What the eff is wrong with you? You should be thrilled to be here, doing this, having that! You're free!"
Ha. Free.
And yes, so many years and years wasted in a fog of drinking, anxiety, drinking...
I'll be 39 in two months and I am determined not to waste any more years like that. I am learning to value peace at any price.
For a woman who lived her life in the middle of a self-created storm of chaos for 20 years, that's something to grapple with.
One day, one step, at a time.
Love ya sister and thanks for the post!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Your post sounds like me! Around this time last year I decided I was done, made it about three months, and then slowly started drinking again. Today I find myself in the same situation, and just wrote in my journal "I could be approaching a year, but instead I am starting again. Here is to a fresh start, and looking forward not back!
Thank you for sharing!!!!
Thank you for sharing!!!!
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Alphaomega, FANTASTIC thread. I look at it like I was bombard with messages all my live that I, the individual, am inadequate if I don't where a certain kind of shoes, or if I'm not a christian, muslim or jew, or whatever. I had a fancy condo, mercedes benz, money, and all the accoutrements that are supposed to make life so valuable. At 59, I don't have a clue who I am, and starting a new life is proving to be extremely difficult. Addiction to chemical substance brought me to the brink of destruction, however I am happy to have arrested the use of these substances and at 3 years sober I am beginning to enjoy the journey. Please at 42 get rid of the chemical substances. You'll have more money in your pocket, and a minimum of 1 less problem in your life. Rootin for ya. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Great post I feel much the same way but could never express it that well. I find it hard to explain to people what is so fantastic about sobriety. For me I am finally being honest with myself. I am myself again. Before I was just trying to fit into someone else's idea of what life should be and it made me miserable so I drank. I feel like drinking created that situation for me. No one ever learnt anything by getting drunk.
I feel much the same way but could never express it that well. I find it hard to explain to people what is so fantastic about sobriety. For me I am finally being honest with myself. I am myself again. Before I was just trying to fit into someone else's idea of what life should be and it made me miserable so I drank. I feel like drinking created that situation for me. No one ever learnt anything by getting drunk.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Thank you for that post! I will be 30 next week and I look back on my 20s like you described looking back on your 30s. I darn sure don't want to look back on my 30s and think the same thing. Sobriety is the only way!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 107
I really appreciate all the comments from everyone in their 40's. I am 29, and I have had a drinking problem since I was ~21, with <2 years mixed in. It sounds quitting has generally made people feel younger. I'm experiencing the opposite--I feel like I am so old. I can't imagine a future where I am happy. Not because I can't be happy without alcohol, I already know that isn't true, but because I feel like I have screwed my life up already. I've accomplished some minor things, but sobering up and realizing that I am approaching 30... I feel spooked. I am so tired of struggling and throwing away my gains as soon as I make them. And I've lost so many people from life. There's no difference between my life and my addiction at this point.
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