james872

Had a lot of water. I'm hoping that tomorrow it won't seem like I've screwed things up to the point of having to leave. Being open is difficult for me.

SkyeSea

You haven't screwed anything up pal You sound like you could do with a wee sleep though, whatcha think?

hayley86

James you have not screwed anything up by sharing. Don't worry.

Mentium

James - alcohol can be a handy 'medicine' for mental anguish and pain. Many people have used it as such after all! But as you probably know, else you would not be here, one pays a heavy price for that 'medicine'. Pretty quickly it is even more anguish than you started out with.

Take care now and see this just as a bump in the road to sobriety!

Raider

I PM'd you.

ScottFromWI

No one would ever suggest you leave James. We've all had bad days due to drinking. What would be a shame is if you didn't come back here when you sober up and work on staying that way. Get some rest and pick up the pieces tomorrow.

Dee74

There's nothing embarrassing here James.
No need to be ashamed of honesty

D

Hevyn

I agree James. We're here to support you during good times & upsetting times - just as you've done for others. Sending love out to you.

dwtbd

I second the notion coming back and not worrying about what you shared/posted, here is a way better audience then the FaceBorg. SR has a way different perspective. Please make it an early night, and definately come back soon. Drink water til you have to pee and then have some more, if nothing else your body will thank you in the am.

digdug

James!

Never be afraid to share about the reasons you drink. Alcohol is but the symptom.

So you know what it feels like to die. I do too. And it sucked. My brain started hallucinating due to lack of bloodflow, and then nothingness. It all just went blank. I woke up 2 days later on life support. There was no white. No god waiting for me. Just cut to black.

For 4 months, I could not fall asleep. Because falling asleep felt like dying. One minute you're on, the next minute, you're off, like a machine.

But I kept going to AA. I started getting treatment for my PTSD, including meds. I have started to develop a spiritual connection with my higher power (not religious mind you) that gives me hope that even when my darkness comes again for me, I can know I was sober and I tried to be the best person I could be.

I have 190 days sober today. I promise you can get there. I still have nightmares occasionally. I am freaked out about having to have anesthesia for my surgery in January. But the trauma is residing. It's nothing to drink over.

Just because you went through what you did does not make you a lost cause.

Don't give up!

phoebe64

James, I still see nothing overly revealing in your posts that you would regret. I think, perhaps, you are just so used ot being closed off, that you feel like you have overshared and will regret it. But you are fine. I think you will see so tomorrow. I feel sad for you that you are so afraid to open up. That is a lot to carry around all the time.

How wonderful that your ex still cares so much for you. You must be a great guy!

And, the way you describe being able to talk to people, the very thing you say you now repress, sounds like a wonderful gift. I hope your treatment helps you feel comfortable with yourself so that you can let people in and be open and enjoy your relationships.

You are very young! I am a woman and had my children at 25 and 39, turning 40 after my second one. My own father was 40 when I was born. You have plenty of time, James.

So, you think Rochele is my real name?

james872

That is the part of your message that resonated most with me. All of it is very helpful, but what I highlighted is so familiar.

ImperfectlyMe

Wanted to bump your thread and remind you to not wallow in regret! Get back here one day will not undo all the work that led up to it. It's time you open up, we all have demons we tuck away! This is probably one of the safest places to let them out. Annonimity and never judgement!

yoohoo

Hi Hope you are feeling a bit better. I got diagnosed with PTSD in 2010. It helped explain a lot of what was going on with me. It also explained my drinking. Well some of it. Not all of it. Because after a while, I had to be honest and tell myself that not everyone with PTSD drinks... Ouch. That hurt me because it circumvented my rhetoric about my rationale for drinking and that I had a good reason to drink. Any way, all this time later, Im now finally booze and pill free (also the PTSD lead me to Xanax sadly) and ! now take full responsibility for my drinking. If you sort the PTSD out you have clearance to proceed and not get held back. Hope thats helps a little, take care...

hayley86

Hope you are feeling a little better today James. You have support here.

SkyeSea

Totally agree with Hayley

james872

Ah, the wonderful moment when you wake up with a pounding headache while you slowly realize what you have done this time that you shouldn't have...

I truly appreciate all the support here. It is extremely helpful.

I decided to just get over this bump in the road and go back to being sober.

First I'm going back to bed though, the world is spinning a bit. For those who PM'ed me, I will get to those later today when my hangover is gone and I can focus again.

Again, thank you all so much!

SkyeSea

Plenty of water and sweet dreams

hayley86

Back to being sober sounds like a good idea to me. Take care of yourself.

MythOfSisyphus

Glad to hear you're doing better! In the darkest hour it's important to remind yourself that dawn will come. Things will get better if you work on it and give it a chance.