Petal

Had a helish weekend. Ended up in jail ( my first ever jail visit ). I have vowed never to drink again. I went to see my GP he has given me sleeping tablets that campril stuff. Ive also signed up for alcohol counciling etc. I am NOT alcohol dependant but i do use it as a way of coping, once i have 1 drink, i cant stop etc but i dont drink everyday if you know what i mean. Anyways last night i had the mother of all panic attacks, so bad i phoned 999 telling them i was going to die etc ( i really felt like i was dying i couldnt stop shaking etc |). I eventually settled. Today i phoned dr back again saying i think im having a nervous breakdown, they saw me this afternoon and i just got made to feel like an idiot like its my fault ( yes i know it is partly ) but they just made me feel like a complete and utter crapbag and like i was wasting their time. I am scared i dont know whats happening to me, nothing seems real, i feel like im in a dream, well some sort of nightmare of all nightmares. I feel numb, im full of guilt, i hate myself and i just dont know what i have become, what ive turned into ?
Anyway the dr signed me up for some sort of councelling ( wait a month for that ) he didnt up my anti D's that ive been on for some months, i just dont know how to get through this and if this is even normal ? If anyone knows what im babbeling about please please reply, i just need someone to understand, i dont even understand any of this myself and its scaring me. I dont know who i have become, or how long its going to take me to feel anywhere near normal again ?
I also wanted to add i cant remember the past few days, snippets here and there yes but why cant i remember the days / what ive been doing etc ? I cant sleep and havent eaten since sat and i cant.

SkyeSea

You sound like me - a classic binge drinker 'once you start you can't stop' etc.

Firstly, try and get some boiled water with sugar inside you, or cuppasoup or hot chocolate. No eating will crash you sugar levels, the symptoms of which are very close to panic attacks (I fell for that one)

It sounds like you've got yourself in a bit of a mess You CAN turn things around and let that be the last time something so horrible happens. It's not easy in the beginning, but totally doable

Petal

Sugar and boiled water, im on it.
I do belive it will be the last time i am so destructive i just wish i could understand why. It was a black out and im a bit of a control freak and i need to anays and understand everything and i cant make head nor tail of this at ALL. Ive never ever done anything like this in my life before and its scared the crapio out of me, the kick up the bottom i needed no doubt.

360shoes

Hi Petal,
I'm sorry you had to go through all that. That must be really scary.
Give the drinking up and start working through all the stuff. It won't be easy work but it can be done. You can do it. You can feel better.

We all had to start somewhere. Glad you are getting help. Let people help you. I know I needed the support.

There is life after bottom. (((Hug)))

SkyeSea

Your appetite will come back when it's ready and with a vengeance if it's anything like mine
I understand what you mean about wanting / needing to know what went on, but in truth, that's never gonna happen, coz ..well - you were pi$$ed Try and stop tormenting yourself over that one and try and get your strength back - you really CAN beat this and as time passes, it's SO lovely, not to have all the stress and worry related to alcohol x

13unluckyforsom

My gp was a bit like that too I think they just want you to realise that there's no quick fix for this. It's going to be hard. Don't let your gp bring you down - your doing a really brave and smart thing.

You will feel better the longer you stop drinking - I have anxiety too and drinking just floors me. Also I've found lately that taking my anti anxiety medication while drinking turns me into a monster - your brain ends up having civil war because the two chemicals are battling it out. The alcohol wins. Always. IF we keep drinking.

I agree on the eating and sugar side - get lucozade too it will restore your electrolytes.

Petal

Thank you so so much, it means so much to me to speak to people who have been through what i am going through right now. Im going to try my hardest to do anything to feel normal again, even slightly normal would be good. I just need this nightmare to be over like now, but i know that wont happen no matter how hard i want it to happen. Small steps with my sugary water....
My DH is narking at me to eat but i cant, i have comprimised on an innocence smoothie that is waiting for me in the kitchen....I just cant stomach anything. How long will it be before i want to eat again so i can reassure him this is " normal " ?

lorelei

hey petal
sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to see how far we have fallen and how much we are crying out for help...accept the help you need now, use SR, your Dr, counselling, AA, whatever helps, and use it to get you well, keep safe & strong x

SkyeSea

You're appetite will come back in a day or so
One thing I forgot to say - avoid coffee, tea, cola (caffeine basically)

You're doing great and you'll be fine x

Petal

Your all so so kind thank you so much so so much. Forgot to phone AA i will do that NOW i hope they are still open.

least

I hope this can be the start of a better sober life for you.

wakko

I had to get a Doc/Pyschologist with experience in addiction, take responsibility for my recovery, and educate myself on alcoholism recovery

13unluckyforsom

Don't force yourself to eat - smoothie is a great idea so at least you will have some goodness inside

I never thought anyone else thought like me - there's a post on here it's about 19 pages long lol but it's called 'you know your an alcoholic when....' And then everyone has added their thoughts and actions - I read it last night I'll try and find it for you. It might help you realise your certainly not alone in this hell.

firstymer

Welcome to SR, Petal. It is good to have you here with us.

13unluckyforsom

You can find locations and times of meetings online too.

AdanteFornax

AA helpline is 24hours a day 365 days a year Petal.

Welcome and keep posting. Get that stinking thinking out of your head. You never have to feel this way again ... Onwards and upwards

Dee74

Welcome back Petal

that must have all been very confronting for you. I hope you feel a little better now?

D

Petal

Im hopefully going to a meeting tonight if i can made head nor tail of what it means.
Im up and down and up and down, yoyo springs to mind. when i say up i mean down but up, i wouldnt class myself as UP. nvm, i know what i mean.... sigh :/

coming_clean

Welcome to SR,

Keep posting.

Petal

Do any of you know what " big book workshop " means and mtgs open on request ? I dont know what it means but thats what it says next to tonights meeting and im stressing as i have no idea what it means and what to expect ??