WritingHelps

Well, another sobriety bites the dust. I stayed sober through August and a bit into September and then gave in. It happened just like it always does, telling myself I can manage. Telling myself that now that I recognize my problem drinking tendencies I can avoid them. But, of course, I get drunk and no longer care about anything except staying drunk.

Saturday I got hammered and blacked out. Spent the day yesterday nursing the world's worst hangover and feeling totally ashamed and embarassed. I'm not hungover now, but my body is still weak and the shame and guilt and embarassment haven't subsided at all.

I'm not sure what to do. I guess for today I am going to go to work, come home and map out a little plan to start with. I have avoided AA in the past (went to a few meetings, didn't really stick with it) but I might be willing to give it a shot now. I live in a different area where I am not as worried about running into people I know. And to be honest, I am not as nervous about telling people that I have an alcohol problem because, let's be real, most of my friends probably know or at least wouldn't be surprised. I'm the messiest of messy drinkers and it really sucks.

God, I just feel so down on myself and so totally humiliated. I suppose I need to really remember this, for next time I am feeling overly confident, but haven't I said all this before?

I have a doctors appointment this week (unrelated to drinking), do you think I can ask them for advice on finding some kind of counseling? I may look into AA, but I think I might benefit also from one on one counseling, if I can afford it with my insurance.

Day 2 all over again. Feeling defeated.

lorelei

hey WH I would speak to your Dr about your drinking be open and get whatever you can... you can beat this x

GotGrace

Hey there,
I am sorry you are feeling so defeated. It sucks. Having a plan in place will help and it sounds like you have resolve. I definitely think talking to your doctor would help. Do you have a friend who you could confide in and ask to be your sounding board for the time being?
You can do this. You have done it before, so you know it is possible. And you have this memory to put in your toolbox to help you avoid another relapse.
Onward! You are valuable and worth it!

Erratic

There is other places other than AA, also there is medications to help with cravings of alcohol.

Do understand what ur going through, me i cant get passed 2 days. You have done far so better and can do more.

Look further into what help is there in ur area. xx

Krodos

If you can learn from this and realize that you cannot moderate your drinking.. then that's a good thing.

I had to learn the same lesson after 10 months sober.... I'm very happy to be back at almost 5 months now.

foolsgold66

Day 2 is not defeat, it is the beginning of victory. Many fail numerous times at this, and other things at life, before succeeding.

Yes, agree, speak to your doctor. That can help.

Saliena

AA was the place that worked for me after rehabs, detoxs, and several other "ways". But, you know what it is about working on you. It isn't about the program you select. For me AA worked because it forced me to be honest with myself and honest with the people around me.

You can do this. Hang in there. Don't beat yourself up. It is behind you. Only move forwad.

Saliena

Toffee1

I know exactly how you feel. You are not the only one who goes through this routine. I have been doing it myself for last 5 years or so. I get to 6 weeks, 3 months,even 6 months and then think I have it beaten but of course now I realise I haven't. What I am actually hearing is my AV playing its game with me. Giving me a sense of confidence. That is one of myAVs trump cards.BUT reading other posts people say these thoughts ,urges, tricks, become less and less frequent the longer we are sober. I suppose we have to be on our guard totally so we recognise what our AV is up to. You are right to be disappointed with yourself most of us would feel exactly the same way but try to use this as a positive maybe another step in your learning process and store these emotions so you can use them next time you feel like a drink. I really hope you can use something out of this. All the best

robgt350

i have thought so many times if i can be a "social drinker" or a "one beer only guy" but i think more and more that it will be very difficult to impossible.

wakko

Do you dislike AA less then the state you are currenty in?

When I admited I was beat. That alcohol won everytime. When I was willing to do ANYTHING. Then things started to get better.

Surrender just means you are joining the winning side

WritingHelps

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm going to spend some time this evening making a plan for myself, maybe find a good book to read. Today is going to be hard just because I'm still so embarrassed but I'm just going to have to suck it up and try to move forward. I know that life sober is much better in every way, as I have seen during my moths of sobriety in the past. I have a lot of goals to accomplish and I don't want to waste any more time getting wasted. This site has helped a lot in the past so I am going to make posting a priority while I get some other support worked out.

Sasha4

I think that we, meaning we who have drinking problems, are often very very hard on ourselves.

I don't think 'normal' drinkers go through the beating themselves as much as we do. They don't seem to dwell on things as much too. Like past dunks where they have done/said something they regret.

I know i do this.

One way i deal with it is rather than being angry, ashamed at me, is I get angry with alcohol.
I have grown to detest alcohol in any shape or form.
My hatred spurs me on to stay stopped.

I also look at alcohol differently.
I don't see a glass of wine as a way to relax.
I see it as a route to a blackout, to behaviour I am ashamed off, to conversations I cannot remember.

I have found the longer I have gone without drinking, the less I want to drink.
I never thought that would happen.
But it has and I feel relieved that it is not a fight to not drink anymore.
It comes naturally now.

You know you never have to feel like this again.
If you stay away from the first drink, there is no way you can get drunk.

I wish you the best xxxx

heath480

Doing it alone never worked for me,I once did 3years but drank again.

I went to AA desperate,from that day to this I have not needed to drink again.I hope you give the meetings another go,get a sponsor and work through the steps.It is the programme that keeps me sober a day at a time,the meetings are an added bonus.