SlightlyOff

Hi everyone, I slipped this summer after almost 3 1/2 years of continuous sobriety (mostly through AA.) I had about 5 separate "slips" each consisting of an evening of wine drinking until I passed out, spread out over about a 7 week period.

Well, I'm now going on almost 3 months again, and all i can think of is that next weekend my 14-year old daughter goes away to a weekend camp that lasts from Friday nite till Sunday night. She never does this, and I will be home alone with my husband (a social drinker who never drinks in front of me unless we're at a party.) Now, the main person who I care about not disappointing is my daughter. It killed her when she knew that I relapsed one time this summer.

With her gone all that time, I know that I could have drinks/wine both nights she is gone, and if I did it in front of my husband, he would be disappointed but wouldn't storm out or be super angry. He only would be angry if I could not stop after she comes home. He knows I'm an alcoholic, of course I do as well, but I still "play" with these thoughts because last summer, I drank a handful of times but never for more than one night at a time.

What's stopping me is the idea that I will "light the pilot light" of my AV and then, I will constantly be craving it again. It's funny but I've been alone without my daughter or husband a few weekends in my 3 1/2 years, and I didn't drink. I knew it was too risky. This time, I'm just still thinking about the times I drank last summer without real consequences, and I guess my AV is playing games with me.

I do have a sponsor here, but she's been pretty scarce since my relapse, she'll return my calls but she doesn't reach out to me. No one in the program does either, although I went to a meeting in August and told everyone what had happened.

So at this point if we get any kind of thread going about how much I am risking if I decide to do this next weekend, I know it will help me. Thanks ya'll in advance.

LadyBlue0527

SlightyOff,

I'm glad that you posted. You already recognize what's coming. EternalQ just posted this thread which is excellent!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-relapse.html

Do you see anything about your post that comes to mind? You're posturing and your mind is preparing you for the coming weekend.

Make a plan, get busy, go to the movies. Start planning now and stick to it, you can do this!

I do have to ask, you are concerned about your daughter and disappointing her and less concerned about how your husband would feel.

What about you?

SlightlyOff

Part of me wants to think of myself as someone who can occasionally drink, as long as it's never every day or every weekend (because I was an almost daily drinker before.)

What concerns me about "me" is only if I cannot stop after the weekend. If I could stop after that I would consider myself successful, but only if I never drank in front of my daughter. I've never had legal or health consequences from drinking, never had a DUI, haven't embaressed myself socially in my recent drinking, and didn't even get hangovers in my recent times I drank. Which is scary I admit, because I thought it was supposed to get "worse" right away, and it didn't for me.

I am burned out on AA, to be honest, i don't feel that anyone there who I supported and attended regular meetings with for over 3 years really cared about me, and would much rather be an occasional "heavy drinker" than ever go back to AA again. Just the truth.

Also, my husband and I haven't made many good friends here in this place we've lived for 3 years mainly because I can't drink with all the drinking neighbors and daughter's friend's parents. It is a big drinking crowd here and we have avoided it because it still bothered me. I'm really wanting to be "part of the gang" now (I know this all makes me sound like a 12 year old but I am trying to be honest about my motives.)

wakko

When I quit for me, went to AA most days, and did what my sponsor told me to do I stayed sober.

ReadyAtLast

So hypothetically -if you drink when your daughter is away the following possible scenarios could happen:

- she may have to come home from camp early and realize you're drunk. she'll be upset
- you pick her up Sunday night and she;ll probably just know you've been drinking again.14 year old girls are pretty astute imo. she'll be upset
- you get the taste again and start drinking again. she'll be upset
- do you really think you can drink next weekend then just put it to bed? Why bother?
- just because you;re not drinking in front of her doesn't mean she doesn't know, Of course she'll know.she will see it,smell it,sense it, see it in your eyes, your manner, your demeanour. I don't mean you drunk but even when sober we have that dead look about us when we are drinking again. I know when Im drinking I'm not fully present for my child and nowhere near the best parent I could or should be eventhough I never drank in front of him.
We think no one knows but they do.

At least you are aware of and recognize the beast for what it is. Do whatever you need to do to not drink.Are you using RR? If you're in AA step up your meetings and call your sponsor. Make sober plans. Think of all the great things you can do as an individual or a couple - take advantage of your daughter being away and make themost of your weekend-shop,have a spa day, see friends, hike, do whatever it is you enjoy doing but DON'T drink

It sounds as ifyou're not convinced you have a problem andreally just want to moderate.drink socially. Maybe look back at why you stopped initially. It will onlyget worse.

LadyBlue0527

I applaud your honesty, if you have that then you can accomplish whatever you choose.

The word "recent" is key in the above sentences. Many of us were able to start up again and maintain what appeared to be an acceptable level of drinking. However, eventually when the you know what did hit the fan, not only was it bad, it was a whole new level of "worse".

This is progressive. Consider the fact that you never had consequences. Now, recently, you have. It will get worse, trust me.

You're trying to justify drinking this weekend but you already recognize that. No one can predict the future. Is it worth the risk?

Dee74

None of us can really change your mind if you want to be a goof off - but I'm thinking you're here because there's a part of you that doesn't want to give in to this

I wanted to be part of the gang too - and for many years I drank and nothing too bad happened...then things got suddenly worse and I couldn't stop drinking or the bad things happening. I lost a decade, and everything I loved, that way.

You already know this stuff, and whats at risk.

We're not 12, however much we'd like to be. We've been twelve, we've had our turn and now it's kids like your daughter's turn to have that carefree growing up stuff we did....

Our actions have consequences now, they affect others, and noone else can clean up our mess but us.

Decide who it is you really want to be slightlyoff - if your life is not fulfilling you sober..so much that you need escape...maybe you need to look at that and change things?

If you really think you're burned out on AA and it's not just your addiction telling you that, can you think of other recovery programmes or other things to do to shore yourself up?

D

SlightlyOff

Thanks for all the responses. What I meant about not drinking in front of my daughter meant not drinking when she was at home at all. Only on nights when she was at sleepovers. Which now that she's older happens pretty often, but not weekly.

You're right though that even though I haven't had hangovers, I would be different to her probably the next day. And that why am i actively planning relapse? As much as I want to be a "heavy social drinker" like the people around me (truth is some of them are probably alkies), I have to be honest and also say that I think my chances of accomplishing this long-term is slight.

Thanks for the input! Also, as far as finding a different program, where I am AA is pretty much it, but I like the sobriety here on SR because some of it is more AVRT based.