MN81713

Terrible thing is, it helped me....I had such a strict plan for being sober the first chance I had, not working, didn't have to get up for class, I did get a bottle....and the anxiety of my take home exam went away, finished most of it, tried to do it for the last 3 days sober but wasn't able..now I "moderated" the bottle for hours only..solve one hypothesis, get a shot...and now finally just about done..hate that it was the solution but it did get me through the night...ice water now, did span it out for hours, but what if this is the only way?

ImperfectlyMe

You post makes me so sad. It's not the only way. For a long time I thought drinking made me happier, smarter, wittier, nicer, prettier. But I was so wrong. There was a much better well equipt adult inside me buried under years of hiding behind alcohol.

Do you want sobriety? Or a you trying to learn moderation? I have no help in the later but have had tremendous success in sobriety. Give yourself 30 days of total sobriety you have nothing to loose. See how it goes you just might find that hypothesis a little easier to solve

Dee74

I would reckon everyone of us here has convinced ourselves at one time or another than we need our drug of choice to function, or that we're better and stronger and faster on our drug of choice.

It's easy to believe that, because off our drug (at least for a little while until we get thru early recovery) we're sluggish and withdrawn...but when we get our fix we feel great.

I think everyone of us has a 'drinking made it good' story - the trouble is we remember those and forget all the hundreds, maybe thousands, of bad stories...

You need to get back in touch with the reality of your addiction I think.
The reality is written in your past posts and threads Amy.

I really hope you'll go back and read them all again.

Thats the reality of you drinking.

D

MN81713

I always appreciate your response, but don't know how to go and read past posts...I am just a bit confused as I did finally finish an exam that I tried to finish for several days sober and I just could not do it (scientific methods - characteristics of life - Hypothesis of string theory) and what I did was reward myself for each question with a drink...I know this is not right, but was finally able to finish, I tried for days sober and the research and books were just a blur...when I had a "reward" in front of me....I was able to do it and I know I have an "A" now....I don't know....I'm confused, it worked, didn't drink to the point of getting sick, etc. and used it to get what I needed to get done...I don't even know what I am saying at this point....honestly...

SkyeSea

MN - you sound just like me I always get 'wound up' when it comes to writing essays etc and I also used to use alcohol to 'take the edge off'.
Seems you used alcohol as a stress reliever and got away with it THIS time.
You know yourself though, that you can get away with it once, maybe twice, but then it leaps up and bites you on the a$$.
How about next time, getting rid of the extra stress/adrenalin, by a long walk/swim/even starting the essay (as I do) at 11pm and working through the wee small hours? Works for me

MN81713

Thank you for the message, yes, I do want sobriety, however I just gave in I guess and "moderating" the bottle for hours as a reward worked when I tried for days sober....I will not give up, I was just posting what happened and 30 days is a dream,, I want it so bad....I would give anything for 30 honest days...

MN81713

Thank you for you response...I actually started trying 3 days ago, walking, working nights having my books and laptop with me, duties and back to looking at a blank screen reading SR posts......paper due Monday and tonight I just gave in...like I said I made the bottle, drinks a reward, last hours as the exam was made to last hours/days...I just feel defeated and worn out I guess...disappointed...etc. but, thanks again for your response.....

SkyeSea

You're welcome. One other thing that always worked for me, was waiting until the very last minute and then 'panic writing'. If I had days to go, I'd keep putting it off, read around the web, make endless coffees etc... but if I knew it had to be in the next day, the adrenalin would start rushing and somehow I could focus and get it done.
The 'buzz' when you write the final word/press 'send' if it's an online submission, is better than any buzz from booze

Don't beat yourself up over it - you've got away with it this once and have learned from it. Onwards and upwards huh? x x

jdooner

Two things come to mind - one a friend pointed out that the unmangable part of my life occured with the removal of alcohol. You and I may seem similar in this respect. You are high functioning and you need alcohol to function. With htis removed life falls apart.

Two, I have many stories about giving talks in front of 5-10K people and I on a few occasions would be high and drunk. I was so good at this that my ego grew to the point where I felt if I can handle things in front of all these people what else could I accomplish.

There was one time, however, that I delivered a speech to a group of 60 CEOs in a very expensive private dinner. I had been partying for roughly 6 hours prior and had consumed about 750ml of Vodka and 8 ounces of coke. What I delivered I thought was pure poetry and I was told I was like Mussolini speaking down and yelling at the audience. You may read my comments and think I am not nearly as bad as you and you are not, yet. The disease is progressive and you have time to stop while you are so young.

Be interesting to see how how your thesis turns out and what grade you achieve. Sounds interesting and I wish you the best - hopefully some of what I said make sense?

sugarbear1

I used alcohol for my anxiety, too. It worked for a very long time. My life was pretty dismal at the end of my drinking.

AA and SR helped me to heal and I continue to grow.

Today, I don't have that old anxiety in my life and if it creeps in, I know what to do about it.

I wish you well on a sober journey. Life is so much prettier without drinking.

There is hope for you, too!

MN81713

It does make sense, I have went from Executive HR Director IKEA to going back to college at 40.....Thank you for your response and I am not at the point of a thesis yet, however, hope to be soon! I just, as I posted earlier, had such a strict plan, every hour, and I had a day off....BOOM!!!! I couldn't hold back, I tried, my exam in front of me, SR online, pacing back and fourth...I had to get it done...I just am ashamed, hate I am back at day one....Thank you for your post.

jdooner

There is no use beating yourself up - seriously. Sorry I misjudged your age - so we are learning this together (I am 39). Think about what you learned when you were sober. I am over month now myself and I feel like I have walked through the Valley of Death to get here. This has been the most dififcult thing I have ever done and I don't recognize the man I was in that first week.

It is simply amazing how fast your mind can grow or said differently how amazing the damage we were doing to ourselves.

I started my process to set an example for my wife and while I new I had a problem, I jus thought I was a problem drinker. I look back and I don't think I would have lived more than five more years.

Only you can figure this stuff out for yourself. What I can tell you is for me the spiritual aspect of AA is what has changed me more than anything else. Right now, I feel as if you would have to put a gun to my head to make me drink and I may still choose death instead. I realize that my ego and AV are the constant threats by convincing myslef I am cured or stronger than this which is BS.

Good luck on the thesis.

jdooner

BTW - Try watching the fabric of the cosmos. If you ever have quantum physics questions send me a PM - have a little expertise here.

Dee74

If you click your name (above your avatar) you'll see a drop down menu - you can view your past posts from there.

D

LadyBlue0527

MN, please do what Dee had suggested. You will be amazed at how much it helps to read those past posts. You can find strength within yourself by reading those because it's the best affirmation as to where you were at that point in time.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you can turn the thought process around that alcohol helped you. Alcohol might like to give the impression that it does but it helps no one!

MN81713

Thank you! I do have a few questions for you! Regarding the characteristics of life, which hypothesis do you feel best explains the origin of life? And do you think stem cell reprogramming is made easier by removing one protein? I am very interested in your response vs mine...Thank You!

digdug

Drinking and drugs always seem to work in the beginning.

Cures whatever ails you!

But for the alcoholic/addict, it always stops working. Always.

School was a big trigger for me. Thought I couldn't get through studying, writing or taking exams without being drunk or high. And I actually did pretty well for a while. But the the bottle became more important to me than school.

Sobriety teaches us to handle the things we thought we could only accomplish while intoxicated.

ScottFromWI

You can call it "help"'for your test, or "moderation" if you want MN, but in reality those are simply excuses to drink you've invented. It's not the only way, you just need to accept the fact that alcohol controls you, rather than vice versa.

Anna

Your posts make me feel so sad.

I thought I HAD to drink to get through just about everything in my life. After all, it seemed to be the only thing that worked. The trouble is, alcohol has a life of its own and it will take over. I nearly died, and I nearly lost my husband and children. AND, I found out there are many ways to get through exams and all of life's ups and downs without alcohol.

If you are motivated to live a sober life, then you can do it.

MN81713

I went back and did read my previous posts...feel like a real idiot, I mean, what am I 3 years old?? I need constant stimuli to refrain from buying a bottle that only led to pain and regret?? A TAKE HOME EXAM I couldn't even handle until I bought a bottle....what the he!! is wrong with me? No big hangover today because I figured out how to avoid that for the night....I have a Psyc Exam on Tue, what....do I need a bottle for every exam? How incredibly immature and stupid, trying to get an additional degree to help ppl in CD (Chemical Dependency) and look at me??? Grrr....just irritated, mad, had enough of my own BS, I am an adult in control of my own body, this is just plain stupid!!!!