jstar

Just have to vent it out a bit here in this safe place. I'm tired, tired of trying to make it work (drinking) and it doesn't. I either overshoot the mark and black out or can't seem to get buzzed/drunk even after 9 cocktails. I'm actually frustrated with myself that I even keep doing this to myself. I'm on meds then off meds, I'm happy then depressed all in the same day. Everything seems to be right with the world but then I sabotage myself. I'm 3 classes away from completing an 8 week IOP and I just threw all my time in the trash and for what? I have a huge headache, I can't fall asleep, I snuck around drinking like an idiot and I'm not even drunk...it doesn't frickin work anymore. Why do I feel so devastated right now? Like it's all actually over, it will never be what it was in the past

mecanix

Hey Jstar ,

drinking sure was a kinda madness for me *big hug*

Bestwishes, m

stephnc

Hugs, Jstar. It's kind of like a dying relationship, isn't it...it just gradually stops working, it starts causing you heartache, then there are the stages of grief...but it WILL get better, I promise. You can stop drinking if you really want to - you can do it! Keep hanging around here, and don't beat yourself up for your slips. We've all had them.

It will be ok, I promise.

Dee74

I could never make it work either...I finally realised I was like the marionette trying to work the puppeteer.

When alcohol is involved - we're the puppet - we're not pulling the strings.
No wonder we can never make it work.

hypochondriac

All the times I caved when I was trying to quit were supremely disappointing to me. No one ever woke up in the morning and thought, 'gee, I'm so glad I drank last night'... every time I gave in, I thought 'all that fuss was over this?'. I try to keep that in mind when I am sober. The anticipation is so much more exciting than the reality, and when you're sober you get to do that all the time (joke, I don't think about drinking that much these days, sometimes but not seriously). Just bear in mind that the fantasy has no connection to the reality x

IOAA2

Hi J. Your post reminds me of my difficult first 2 years AROUND AA. I was truthfully told that I wanted to drink more than I wanted to get sober. Fortunately I continued going to meetings and heard things I needed to hear like " it will get better, if you don't pick up the first drink you won't have to get sober again, hang in there, get and use phone numbers, get a plan together, stay with the winners, think about not drinking and don't drink even if your azz falls off" BE WELL

jstar

Thanks all for your encouragement..this is a rocky path I've been climbing for some years now. 2 years of 30 day, 60 day, 90 day chips. 2 years of getting back on the horse when I fall off. 2 years of very painful trying. Retrospect is amazing with a somewhat clear head early in the morning. I think it's time for me to suit up & show up for my life. The feeling i have in light of yesterday's totally lame behavior, is hope and mixed with it is a lot of fear. I'm gonna pull myself together& get my butt to church and a meeting. I think I've been leaving my God by the wayside in all this, gotta change everything starting now.

ScottFromWI

That's what it took for me. Nothing works until we let it. I truly hope today is that day for you. There is absolutely nothing about my life that is not improved now..and you will find that too if you really want it.

digdug

Hey jstar,

Sorry you're struggling so much. Did you do anything else besides just going to IOP? It's been my experience that while the sessions are very helpful, it's just not enough on its own. Maybe AA or a secular based program to supplement? Or some 1 on 1 counseling?

You will get through this. It sounds like you've had enough.