Old 09-28-2013, 01:53 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Blackpool
Posts: 14

Hi, hope this is the right place to post as i can't find a relapse forum.
I'm on yet another relapse and really struggling to get sober again. I'm a newcomer to this site but not a newcomer to recovery and have posted a few things on some other threads.
Things have come to a head but not in a drastic way......i'm a very lucky girl to be honest and when i get real honest i'm actually real grateful that things aren't much worse but the internal pain and the consequences are enough for me to realise that drink is once again spoiling things and could even cost me my driving licence this time................i haven't driven whilst drunk or anything like cut a long story short i declared my mental health conditions to the DVLA as i didn't realise i was breaking the law by not doing and i obviously had to mention a history of alcohol abuse also and when questioned, as i still try to practice my program to the best of my ability whilst on a relapse i admitted that i had been poorly recently..........i now have to wait for some forms and go see my GP and get proof that i'm medically fit to drive as they advised voluntary handing over of my licence for at least 3 months..........
Anyways this is just by the by and not really important..........what is important is that i want my sobriety back and my self respect back!!!!!
I've been ranting and raving about being penalised for being honest with the DVLA but bottom line is i'm NOT being honest.......not fully anyway.....its a selective honesty and it is with those around me who care for me also and i hate myself for being so deceitful.
I'm way too ashamed to get totally honest with everyone this time around as i'm a serial relapser and this time its the staw thats broke the camels back even for me. I'm so ashamed that i've done it again and you guys are the only people i feel i can be honest with right now.
My son moved out in August coz i was drinking but he's moved back in again thinking i'm ok now.......I'M NOT.......i'm still drinking.......maintaining on a half bottle of vodka a night. i keep saying to myself not today but then drink anyway. I have lots of tools to stay sober including you guys now but have been struggling to utilise those tools.......for many reasons, but again not important.......whats important is........i want sobriety!!!!!
Couldn't bare to hurt my son again so really need to do this without him getting destroyed again but i'm scared ******** as i'm really not sure how its gonna happen. Going to meetings is great but it doesn't get me sober only i can stop pouring the **** down my neck. I know what to do its just doing it and i suppose getting honest with you guys is the first step........well i hope so anyway......
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Old 09-28-2013, 02:04 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK (England)
Posts: 2,782
Welcome stifledspirit, its good that you really want to get sober. Reaching out for help here is a great choice. You will find tons of support and understanding. SR has been a really important part of my recovery. Glad you have joined us.
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Old 09-28-2013, 02:10 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 62,140
I agree that going to meetings in itself won't make you recover. It's about motivation and how you get sober is not the most important part. The most important part is beginning the journey of liking and loving yourself and believing that you deserve a good life.
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Old 09-28-2013, 02:20 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 100,103
Do you have any real life support? SR is great but often real life help is needed. Going to meetings won't keep you sober, what AA is about is working the steps.

Welcome to the family! I'm glad you joined us.
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Old 09-28-2013, 02:22 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
It is not easy to change stifledspirit, but it can be done.

I have not had a relapse with alcohol the last 56, it has helped me a lot to sign onto the 24 thread every morning to remind me what I am doing.

I do want to stop smoking but I am not doing good on that front, but I will get there. I accept setbacks but I will not give up.

You and your son deserve a good life, you will find a way.
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Old 09-28-2013, 02:31 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
The fact that you want sobriety and are posting here is awesome.

I can relate to the shame, guilt and worthlessness you're feeling. I have 11 days now and am beginning to feel a little better as far as that goes. I absolutely hated myself for drinking, especially after being sober for 5 years. Personally I have attained sobriety on my own with the help of SR, meetings aren't really for me. For me it all boils down to I want to stay sober more than I want to drink, and really need to learn to love myself again. Even though I am craving today doesn't mean I will act on it, because I really want sobriety.
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Old 09-28-2013, 02:37 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 212,797
Hi stifledspirit
You'll find a lot of support and advice here

Posting here and reading for the first few days gave me the kickstart I needed to get sober and stay that way

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Old 09-28-2013, 04:03 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Blackpool
Posts: 14
[QUOTE=least;4207633]Do you have any real life support? SR is great but often real life help is needed. Going to meetings won't keep you sober, what AA is about is working the steps.

Lots of real life support and to be honest i think i hide in all of the steps except number 12. You wouldn't believe the amount of step work i've done but its all 1 through 11 then when it comes to getting out there and being round folk i crumble and go back to step 1 again........its like another addiction , another comfort blanket because i'm so afraid of life and the people in it.
I do have problems other than alcohol like many of us do and so i actually think that i've managed to manipulate the program and my recovery to keep me 'safe' .......not intentionally i might add.........but because i so fear life and people.
I know i'm not alone in this and am not looking for sympathy nor am i feeling self pity right now...........i actually feel quite free telling you this and relieved.
I work hard in all areas of my recovery when i'm on it, but when i go out not even my HP can switch me back on........he/she/it can only love and support me whilst it runs its course and i reignite again...........
And if there is one thing that i can tell you guys its thats we are loved no matter might not be going the way you want but it WILL be going the way you need!!!!!!
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