Fine one minute, miserable the next
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Fine one minute, miserable the next
Yesterday I would have swore I would never think of drinking again yet today I want to. They finally came to get my car this morning that I surrendered and I actually made it through that ok.
I'm just having that really insecure feeling again. I have no sense of security even though my boyfriend has bought a new car for me to drive because he uses his plumbing truck during the day. I have a roof over my head because he calls this our home. Yet I lack that feeling of security, even though I am seeking employment now. He suffers from depression and has been going through a very difficult time. I take this on as him being unhappy with me. I should no better because I'm bipolar and it is my brain chemistry that causes it, not another person. I just wish I could magically make him happy and wish that he would feel that way just being around me. He told me it's not about me and he loves me, but feels like he was just not born to be happy. I can relate. This is just really bad timing with us both of us having emotional problems at the same time.
Before my drinking started again we were both so happy... Hopefully I won't drink today... Can't believe I'm contemplating it, because I would lose everything. I am just beginning to like myself a little bit again after having such hatred for myself. I really need to stay close by here today.
We are going to his doctor on Monday to see what kind of changes can be made to his meds to hopefully help with the depression.
I'm just having that really insecure feeling again. I have no sense of security even though my boyfriend has bought a new car for me to drive because he uses his plumbing truck during the day. I have a roof over my head because he calls this our home. Yet I lack that feeling of security, even though I am seeking employment now. He suffers from depression and has been going through a very difficult time. I take this on as him being unhappy with me. I should no better because I'm bipolar and it is my brain chemistry that causes it, not another person. I just wish I could magically make him happy and wish that he would feel that way just being around me. He told me it's not about me and he loves me, but feels like he was just not born to be happy. I can relate. This is just really bad timing with us both of us having emotional problems at the same time.
Before my drinking started again we were both so happy... Hopefully I won't drink today... Can't believe I'm contemplating it, because I would lose everything. I am just beginning to like myself a little bit again after having such hatred for myself. I really need to stay close by here today.
We are going to his doctor on Monday to see what kind of changes can be made to his meds to hopefully help with the depression.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
You know as well as anyone that early sobriety has its ups and downs. You've got to muddle thru it the best you can. I'm sorry your bf suffers from depression, but so do you. Take good care of yourself. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK (England)
Posts: 2,782
I think in early recovery our emotions are all over the place. I didn't know how i would feel from one day to the next. Having support in place for those difficult times really helped me. Its good that you are posting here and reaching out instead of picking up a drink.The thing i always try to remember is that no matter how bad a situation is drinking will always make it much worse. I hope things get better soon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
I have to stay put waiting for my new phone to arrive. I need to be here to sign for it. In a way it's a good thing I can't leave because there is no chance of going to the liquor store.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi Toomuch....sorry you are having a rough go of it. It sounds like you are caught in the maelstrom right now. Since you live in CO my guess is you ski?
I grew up skiing. You know how we learn to put our weight on our downhill ski and somehow everything else falls into place? I think about that in life. When everything else is spinning out of control if I can just recenter and get my weight back on that ski and thrust my shoulders downhill everything else aligns. I might not win the race, but being in that moment of energized focus somehow it doesn't matter. No one else can feel that for me, the burn in my thighs, being cocooned inside my goggles, sucking wind, my hands sweating inside my gloves. It is very intense, very private, and somewhat untouchable.
Even if I am part of a team, I still need to find my own juice.
I think being in a relationship is like that. When we get too distracted with the other person we lose our balance, our weight shifts, and we sometimes forget about the downhill ski. I have never regretted finding my center, it is the one thing that I can rely on. I can't help someone else who is just learning to ski if I am lying on the snow. And if two of us are rolling around helplessly on the snow...well we might be making a lot of commotion but are we really moving down the mountain?
Forgive me for the analogy, I think I am on the other end of the spectrum. I think I am driving around in a snow cat in the dark!
I grew up skiing. You know how we learn to put our weight on our downhill ski and somehow everything else falls into place? I think about that in life. When everything else is spinning out of control if I can just recenter and get my weight back on that ski and thrust my shoulders downhill everything else aligns. I might not win the race, but being in that moment of energized focus somehow it doesn't matter. No one else can feel that for me, the burn in my thighs, being cocooned inside my goggles, sucking wind, my hands sweating inside my gloves. It is very intense, very private, and somewhat untouchable.
Even if I am part of a team, I still need to find my own juice.
I think being in a relationship is like that. When we get too distracted with the other person we lose our balance, our weight shifts, and we sometimes forget about the downhill ski. I have never regretted finding my center, it is the one thing that I can rely on. I can't help someone else who is just learning to ski if I am lying on the snow. And if two of us are rolling around helplessly on the snow...well we might be making a lot of commotion but are we really moving down the mountain?
Forgive me for the analogy, I think I am on the other end of the spectrum. I think I am driving around in a snow cat in the dark!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Just found out he'll be home late, he's a plumber and the hours can be long. More tempted to drink now, then I can fall asleep and escape. I know better and I've beat this before. Why am I having such a tough time? I am really trying to be strong.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Suz, are you still waiting for the delivery? If not, get out of the house and do something fun to distract you. If you're stuck at home, maybe you can find a movie to watch, a good book to read, some music that would help you get through this. Or why not make a really nice dinner for your boyfriend for when he gets home from work?
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
I am waiting for the delivery still. I am staying busy for now catching up on a television program that I have been recording each day and not watching.
I just ate which is surprising, I haven't been that hungry since I quit drinking, and I always quit eating with stress.
I really don't think I will leave home today because it might lead me to the liquor store..
I just ate which is surprising, I haven't been that hungry since I quit drinking, and I always quit eating with stress.
I really don't think I will leave home today because it might lead me to the liquor store..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
The disease is cunning, baffling, powerful, Suzette. It plays tricks with our head, plays games with our emotions. So much of our energy is consumed playing those games, we need tools to recognize and manage them. What you describe, your fears, your mood swings, the cravings that arise out of nowhere, the internal negotiating, are NORMAL.
It is the disease talking, not you, Suzette. Please accept this part of the disease and stop beating yourself up.
You are facing this and much, much more. But not too much (sorry, couldn't resist). We cannot do this alone, TM. We need the experience, strength, and hope of those who have contained the beast. They will rid us of our terminal uniqueness, help us to surrender, and provide us with strategies that work.
What worked for me was a total reboot. I changed everything in my life except my gender. Seriously. Moved, sold my property, made new sober friends, found someone who was willing to work with me, and went to daily meetings with people sharing the struggle.
Today (1.7 years later) I cannot imagine a better, more fulfilling and exciting life. I do not NEED a woman, thus I am and have dated many wonderful women. They are attracted to me because I radiated joy and inner peace. I realized a couple of years ago that, when I became lovable, I would be loved. I needed to do a whole lotta work. Frustrating for an alcoholic, as we WANT IT NOW! Hah!
I have been a rule breaker, lone wolf, non joiner, skeptic, iconoclast, terminally unique, clinically defiant, and in control man all my life. Ran large schools, prominent in the community, put three kids through college debt free, had a small ranch, achieved, etc. Yet, inside I was a powerless piece of sh**.
I was committing suicide on the installment plan. Dying by degree. Somehow, by the grace of the grand poobah, I put all that bravado and male crap in a storage locker along with 30 years of possessions. Joined the group that has helped millions, the group I'd criticized for years. It has changed my life because I was on my knees, because I was willing to do whatever it took to get my life back.
In the process, I attended bad groups and good groups. There are some bad groups. We are alcoholics for goodness sake! Although I live in a rural area in a rural state, there are dozens of groups within an hour's drive and 8-10 locally. I self selected the good groups. Those that welcomed me, were relatively small, and populated by both newcomers and those with multiple years (some 30+) of sobriety. Those not dominated by an aristocracy of years. Those where the sobriety was fresh, where the message was positive.
I am far enough along in my "program" that I can easily spot the crap. Those who haven't worked to become humble or spiritually fit. But, instead of testing my sobriety, I turn them into a lesson on what not to be. I pass on engaging them and simply observe.
Our sobriety is a matter of life or death, Suzette. No matter where we are in the downward spiral. Thank God I didn't have to lose EVERYTHING (you haven't). We will, however, sure as the highly successful, have it all people I've met. Who are now dead, or wish they were.
Give thought to the idea that you might just need some help, Suzette. Extended help. I can go to pretty much any town in America and get sincere hugs almost every night. That's powerful stuff.
Not gonna preach, the program is one of attraction, not promotion. I've known people who have gotten sober on their own. A couple, at least... Compared to thousands I've met in the program. Wonder which one I will choose?
I am praying for you, Suzette.
Warren
It is the disease talking, not you, Suzette. Please accept this part of the disease and stop beating yourself up.
You are facing this and much, much more. But not too much (sorry, couldn't resist). We cannot do this alone, TM. We need the experience, strength, and hope of those who have contained the beast. They will rid us of our terminal uniqueness, help us to surrender, and provide us with strategies that work.
What worked for me was a total reboot. I changed everything in my life except my gender. Seriously. Moved, sold my property, made new sober friends, found someone who was willing to work with me, and went to daily meetings with people sharing the struggle.
Today (1.7 years later) I cannot imagine a better, more fulfilling and exciting life. I do not NEED a woman, thus I am and have dated many wonderful women. They are attracted to me because I radiated joy and inner peace. I realized a couple of years ago that, when I became lovable, I would be loved. I needed to do a whole lotta work. Frustrating for an alcoholic, as we WANT IT NOW! Hah!
I have been a rule breaker, lone wolf, non joiner, skeptic, iconoclast, terminally unique, clinically defiant, and in control man all my life. Ran large schools, prominent in the community, put three kids through college debt free, had a small ranch, achieved, etc. Yet, inside I was a powerless piece of sh**.
I was committing suicide on the installment plan. Dying by degree. Somehow, by the grace of the grand poobah, I put all that bravado and male crap in a storage locker along with 30 years of possessions. Joined the group that has helped millions, the group I'd criticized for years. It has changed my life because I was on my knees, because I was willing to do whatever it took to get my life back.
In the process, I attended bad groups and good groups. There are some bad groups. We are alcoholics for goodness sake! Although I live in a rural area in a rural state, there are dozens of groups within an hour's drive and 8-10 locally. I self selected the good groups. Those that welcomed me, were relatively small, and populated by both newcomers and those with multiple years (some 30+) of sobriety. Those not dominated by an aristocracy of years. Those where the sobriety was fresh, where the message was positive.
I am far enough along in my "program" that I can easily spot the crap. Those who haven't worked to become humble or spiritually fit. But, instead of testing my sobriety, I turn them into a lesson on what not to be. I pass on engaging them and simply observe.
Our sobriety is a matter of life or death, Suzette. No matter where we are in the downward spiral. Thank God I didn't have to lose EVERYTHING (you haven't). We will, however, sure as the highly successful, have it all people I've met. Who are now dead, or wish they were.
Give thought to the idea that you might just need some help, Suzette. Extended help. I can go to pretty much any town in America and get sincere hugs almost every night. That's powerful stuff.
Not gonna preach, the program is one of attraction, not promotion. I've known people who have gotten sober on their own. A couple, at least... Compared to thousands I've met in the program. Wonder which one I will choose?
I am praying for you, Suzette.
Warren
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Got in the car at went to the nearest drug store with no liquor stores between here and there, and made it back safely. As the day has gone on the cravings have been coming on strong and then mellowing out, cycling out of control, but I will not give in. At least I keep telling myself that.
I think I'll be ok, not out of the woods yet because the day is still young. I will continue checking in and thank you all for your support and replies.
I think I'll be ok, not out of the woods yet because the day is still young. I will continue checking in and thank you all for your support and replies.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 664
Toomutch - did I read the other day, that your partner has just about had enough of you drinking? (apologies if I've got the wrong person)
He might be later coming home, but he IS coming home and do you really want the extra stress of having to pretend you're not drunk/drinking?
He might be later coming home, but he IS coming home and do you really want the extra stress of having to pretend you're not drunk/drinking?
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