What have I done? What will I do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Ontario
Posts: 11
What have I done? What will I do?
I have been drunk and/or high consistently for the last 20 years. I never thought I'd live this long. Most of my immediate family are addicts. Quite a few of my closest friends are dead. I haven't spoken to my mother since we smoked freebase together seven years ago. I quit doing cocaine regularly not long after but have had a much harder time kicking the bottle. There have been many, many false starts. One week, three weeks, even as long as eight weeks once.
Now I think I'm ready to walk away from the lifestyle I've been a part of for the past twenty years. I have been a bar tender, bar manager, dj, musician, promoter etc. All of these things center around a party lifestyle. Some people can do any of these things and remain healthy but I am not one of them.
So, I quit bar tending, I stopped djing and participating in party culture and gradually the drug use went away. But not the booze, it's everywhere, every family event, every dinner party, every bar or cafe I perform at. Oh, I seem loquacious and cordial and no more inebriated than anyone else but I am. On days without commitment I will sit in a bar and read till I can't focus on the words anymore and then I will go somewhere more lively and drink till I can't see anymore. I know it's time to stop.
Here I am, another week in, another week away from the bottle. I feel good again, like I always do after a week of not drinking but now the future rears it's head and stares at me. You never meant to live this long but you did. Chances are you've got another twenty, maybe even forty years, what are you going to do now cool guy? What am I going to do?
I want a family. I want to get married. I feel ready. I'm thirty-eight but I could easily live another thirty years. I want to build something beautiful and strong. Something not about me and my needs, something not about the fleeting joy of art, abstraction and inebriation, something real.
But, I have a girlfriend. A beautiful, kind girlfriend who has stayed with me through eight years of drunkenness and three day coke binges and violent mood swings and desperate pleas for forgiveness and drinking through so many of my friends dying. Every year at or near Christmas someone dies, like clockwork. Suicide, overdose, whatever. Last year a good friend of mine collapsed on the bathroom floor of our favorite bar on Christmas day. He died of multiple organ failure from long term alcohol toxicity days later. He was forty-one. But, I digress.
Then, what is the problem? you ask. You have a beautiful girlfriend who has stood by you through all of the trouble and now you have a renewed commitment to living a clean life, a strong life. You appear to hold all of the cards, godspeed and best wishes! But no, it's never that simple. She does not want a family, she does not want to be my wife, she cares for none of these things, sees them as antiquated, unnecessary. I don't know what to do.
I feel so selfish for wanting to leave her and start something else, something that may exist only in my mind. I suppose I should worry about staying sober first and then worry about the rest of my life. One day at at a time
Thanks for listening strangers of the internet.
Now I think I'm ready to walk away from the lifestyle I've been a part of for the past twenty years. I have been a bar tender, bar manager, dj, musician, promoter etc. All of these things center around a party lifestyle. Some people can do any of these things and remain healthy but I am not one of them.
So, I quit bar tending, I stopped djing and participating in party culture and gradually the drug use went away. But not the booze, it's everywhere, every family event, every dinner party, every bar or cafe I perform at. Oh, I seem loquacious and cordial and no more inebriated than anyone else but I am. On days without commitment I will sit in a bar and read till I can't focus on the words anymore and then I will go somewhere more lively and drink till I can't see anymore. I know it's time to stop.
Here I am, another week in, another week away from the bottle. I feel good again, like I always do after a week of not drinking but now the future rears it's head and stares at me. You never meant to live this long but you did. Chances are you've got another twenty, maybe even forty years, what are you going to do now cool guy? What am I going to do?
I want a family. I want to get married. I feel ready. I'm thirty-eight but I could easily live another thirty years. I want to build something beautiful and strong. Something not about me and my needs, something not about the fleeting joy of art, abstraction and inebriation, something real.
But, I have a girlfriend. A beautiful, kind girlfriend who has stayed with me through eight years of drunkenness and three day coke binges and violent mood swings and desperate pleas for forgiveness and drinking through so many of my friends dying. Every year at or near Christmas someone dies, like clockwork. Suicide, overdose, whatever. Last year a good friend of mine collapsed on the bathroom floor of our favorite bar on Christmas day. He died of multiple organ failure from long term alcohol toxicity days later. He was forty-one. But, I digress.
Then, what is the problem? you ask. You have a beautiful girlfriend who has stood by you through all of the trouble and now you have a renewed commitment to living a clean life, a strong life. You appear to hold all of the cards, godspeed and best wishes! But no, it's never that simple. She does not want a family, she does not want to be my wife, she cares for none of these things, sees them as antiquated, unnecessary. I don't know what to do.
I feel so selfish for wanting to leave her and start something else, something that may exist only in my mind. I suppose I should worry about staying sober first and then worry about the rest of my life. One day at at a time
Thanks for listening strangers of the internet.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Hi z, welcome. yes get sober first. I am a recovering alcoholic. I could not think and solve my problems when drinking. With sobertime, your mind will clear. You will be able to make good decisions. Get sober first. Accept that you cannot drink. That is the key. You can do this. Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Welshman living in Cork, Ireland
Posts: 737
Hi Z, welcome and best wishes.
Committing to sobriety can be (and often is) a big deal.
But it comes FIRST, before everything else. it's all too easy to become overwhelmed by all the other things that are happening. It's called life!
I would say that most of us here, at one point or another, have escaped these feelings through using/drinking. And most of us when we tried to quit have heard that voice (which I have learnt through reading the posts here at SR is my Addictive Voice) that uses all manner of sneaky tricks to get us to drink/use again.
So read the posts, share regularly, learn as much as you can about addiction and strategies to finally give up. Once and for all.
Good luck Z.
Committing to sobriety can be (and often is) a big deal.
But it comes FIRST, before everything else. it's all too easy to become overwhelmed by all the other things that are happening. It's called life!
I would say that most of us here, at one point or another, have escaped these feelings through using/drinking. And most of us when we tried to quit have heard that voice (which I have learnt through reading the posts here at SR is my Addictive Voice) that uses all manner of sneaky tricks to get us to drink/use again.
So read the posts, share regularly, learn as much as you can about addiction and strategies to finally give up. Once and for all.
Good luck Z.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Perth
Posts: 2
Darl, I know she has supported you through times when you have needed it but if you want a family and she doesn't - that is a really huge deal breaker. If you are sure that is what you want then you need to move on and also have the kindness to give her the chance to move on. You have your issues for sure but you can find someone out there who is just right for you.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Welcome to SR! It may be time to move on from this relationship if you two don't want the same things. I know it's hard to do but it sounds like you know what you want (and what she doesn't want). Focus on your sobriety first and see how you feel after you get more sober time. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by zhaverzky 
I have been drunk and/or high consistently for the last 20 years. I never thought I'd live this long. Most of my immediate family are addicts. Quite a few of my closest friends are dead. I haven't spoken to my mother since we smoked freebase together seven years ago. I quit doing cocaine regularly not long after but have had a much harder time kicking the bottle. There have been many, many false starts. One week, three weeks, even as long as eight weeks once.
Now I think I'm ready to walk away from the lifestyle I've been a part of for the past twenty years. I have been a bar tender, bar manager, dj, musician, promoter etc. All of these things center around a party lifestyle. Some people can do any of these things and remain healthy but I am not one of them.
So, I quit bar tending, I stopped djing and participating in party culture and gradually the drug use went away. But not the booze, it's everywhere, every family event, every dinner party, every bar or cafe I perform at. Oh, I seem loquacious and cordial and no more inebriated than anyone else but I am. On days without commitment I will sit in a bar and read till I can't focus on the words anymore and then I will go somewhere more lively and drink till I can't see anymore. I know it's time to stop.
Here I am, another week in, another week away from the bottle. I feel good again, like I always do after a week of not drinking but now the future rears it's head and stares at me. You never meant to live this long but you did. Chances are you've got another twenty, maybe even forty years, what are you going to do now cool guy? What am I going to do?
I want a family. I want to get married. I feel ready. I'm thirty-eight but I could easily live another thirty years. I want to build something beautiful and strong. Something not about me and my needs, something not about the fleeting joy of art, abstraction and inebriation, something real.
But, I have a girlfriend. A beautiful, kind girlfriend who has stayed with me through eight years of drunkenness and three day coke binges and violent mood swings and desperate pleas for forgiveness and drinking through so many of my friends dying. Every year at or near Christmas someone dies, like clockwork. Suicide, overdose, whatever. Last year a good friend of mine collapsed on the bathroom floor of our favorite bar on Christmas day. He died of multiple organ failure from long term alcohol toxicity days later. He was forty-one. But, I digress.
Then, what is the problem? you ask. You have a beautiful girlfriend who has stood by you through all of the trouble and now you have a renewed commitment to living a clean life, a strong life. You appear to hold all of the cards, godspeed and best wishes! But no, it's never that simple. She does not want a family, she does not want to be my wife, she cares for none of these things, sees them as antiquated, unnecessary. I don't know what to do.
I feel so selfish for wanting to leave her and start something else, something that may exist only in my mind. I suppose I should worry about staying sober first and then worry about the rest of my life. One day at at a time
Thanks for listening strangers of the internet.
Now I think I'm ready to walk away from the lifestyle I've been a part of for the past twenty years. I have been a bar tender, bar manager, dj, musician, promoter etc. All of these things center around a party lifestyle. Some people can do any of these things and remain healthy but I am not one of them.
So, I quit bar tending, I stopped djing and participating in party culture and gradually the drug use went away. But not the booze, it's everywhere, every family event, every dinner party, every bar or cafe I perform at. Oh, I seem loquacious and cordial and no more inebriated than anyone else but I am. On days without commitment I will sit in a bar and read till I can't focus on the words anymore and then I will go somewhere more lively and drink till I can't see anymore. I know it's time to stop.
Here I am, another week in, another week away from the bottle. I feel good again, like I always do after a week of not drinking but now the future rears it's head and stares at me. You never meant to live this long but you did. Chances are you've got another twenty, maybe even forty years, what are you going to do now cool guy? What am I going to do?
I want a family. I want to get married. I feel ready. I'm thirty-eight but I could easily live another thirty years. I want to build something beautiful and strong. Something not about me and my needs, something not about the fleeting joy of art, abstraction and inebriation, something real.
But, I have a girlfriend. A beautiful, kind girlfriend who has stayed with me through eight years of drunkenness and three day coke binges and violent mood swings and desperate pleas for forgiveness and drinking through so many of my friends dying. Every year at or near Christmas someone dies, like clockwork. Suicide, overdose, whatever. Last year a good friend of mine collapsed on the bathroom floor of our favorite bar on Christmas day. He died of multiple organ failure from long term alcohol toxicity days later. He was forty-one. But, I digress.
Then, what is the problem? you ask. You have a beautiful girlfriend who has stood by you through all of the trouble and now you have a renewed commitment to living a clean life, a strong life. You appear to hold all of the cards, godspeed and best wishes! But no, it's never that simple. She does not want a family, she does not want to be my wife, she cares for none of these things, sees them as antiquated, unnecessary. I don't know what to do.
I feel so selfish for wanting to leave her and start something else, something that may exist only in my mind. I suppose I should worry about staying sober first and then worry about the rest of my life. One day at at a time
Thanks for listening strangers of the internet.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by least
Welcome to SR! It may be time to move on from this relationship if you two don't want the same things. I know it's hard to do but it sounds like you know what you want (and what she doesn't want). Focus on your sobriety first and see how you feel after you get more sober time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
My advice is to focus on your recovery - a few months from now you might be surprised at the changes in yourself and your outlook...your partner may feel differently about you too.
Give yourself, and others, a chance to know the sober you - then you can think about what you want your future to look like
D
Give yourself, and others, a chance to know the sober you - then you can think about what you want your future to look like
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome, Zhaverzky! My life followed a similar trajectory. I drank hard for about 25 years, working as a chef. Also a party lifestyle- we work hard and play harder. Almost a year ago now, amazed to still be alive, I decided to quit while I was ahead...or at least while I was still breathing. It's been quite a ride.
Getting sober isn't just the most important thing in your life- it literally is your life. You sound like a smart guy, and I'm sure with each birthday and Christmas you racked up you were doing the math in your head. How much longer can I do this before my liver is shot? How many more years can I ride this ride before I've damaged myself too much to survive? You're picked the best possible time to stop: NOW. Because it's always now. Your Beast/Addictive Voice would prefer you to quit 'later' or 'someday' because someday tends to never come.
You're really talking about two different issues; drinking and children. While it's true that you haven't been looking much like the family-man-type up til now, so maybe your GF might reconsider if she sees that you're serious about changing. On the other hand, she might just have no desire for kids, with you or anyone else.
I was married years ago. The closest I came to doing it again was a few years ago. I was with someone I could genuinely call a soulmate, and she was my perfect match in nearly every way, save one. Yeah, you guessed it- the old biological clock was ticking. She was 28 and really wanting to start a family. I was 40 and definitely not interested in kids. Ultimately it was a deal breaker, and I loved her too much to keep her from what she wanted most. She's married now and pregnant with her first kid. Good for her, I say.
You have a lot on your plate right now, for sure. I suppose there's the temptation to make all the changes at once, to strike while the iron is hot. I would urge you to resist doing that. We're lucky as men in that we can start families at almost any age. Your GF has been through a lot with you, and there's some value in that.
Maybe just work on getting sober, then see where life takes you.
Again, welcome to SR! Congrats on making the choice that will give you a life for probably the first time in your life.
Getting sober isn't just the most important thing in your life- it literally is your life. You sound like a smart guy, and I'm sure with each birthday and Christmas you racked up you were doing the math in your head. How much longer can I do this before my liver is shot? How many more years can I ride this ride before I've damaged myself too much to survive? You're picked the best possible time to stop: NOW. Because it's always now. Your Beast/Addictive Voice would prefer you to quit 'later' or 'someday' because someday tends to never come.
You're really talking about two different issues; drinking and children. While it's true that you haven't been looking much like the family-man-type up til now, so maybe your GF might reconsider if she sees that you're serious about changing. On the other hand, she might just have no desire for kids, with you or anyone else.
I was married years ago. The closest I came to doing it again was a few years ago. I was with someone I could genuinely call a soulmate, and she was my perfect match in nearly every way, save one. Yeah, you guessed it- the old biological clock was ticking. She was 28 and really wanting to start a family. I was 40 and definitely not interested in kids. Ultimately it was a deal breaker, and I loved her too much to keep her from what she wanted most. She's married now and pregnant with her first kid. Good for her, I say.
You have a lot on your plate right now, for sure. I suppose there's the temptation to make all the changes at once, to strike while the iron is hot. I would urge you to resist doing that. We're lucky as men in that we can start families at almost any age. Your GF has been through a lot with you, and there's some value in that.
Maybe just work on getting sober, then see where life takes you.
Again, welcome to SR! Congrats on making the choice that will give you a life for probably the first time in your life.
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