COLINE

Hi, I have joined this forum because I feel isolated as I am ashamed to admit to my friends and family about my boyfriend's behaviour.
I am 27 and have been with him for 8 years and he has always been a drinker. he was 25 when we first met and I always thought it would pass with maturity. But he has kept going. He doesn't drink everyday at all but when he does, he doesn't know his limits and gets out of control. He is like a different person, impossible to talk to, angry,he shouts a lot and doesn't walk straight and he kind of becomes really mean to me and evryone else for that matter. He has turned violent physically towards me once : he threw me on the floor as I wouln't let him go back out. I really dont like what he becomes when drunk. A few people told me that his behaviour is the one of an alcoholic, and I don't know what to believe... we already have talked about this hundreds of times, with me treatening to leave him, but he doesn't want to see he has a problem. He tells me to stop dramatising everything. The thing is we love each other very very much, we have travelled around the world together and lived in so many different places... I really believe he is the man of my life, he is so funny and I love his philosophy, but I want to have children and be happy and I am running out of energy, I am starting to think he is not going to change, even if nothing happens for months, it will always come to it eventually... Has anybody got any advice for me?

flujays

Hi coline, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am an alcoholic. I am a 41 year old mother of 3 young children who i love dearly. I'm one of the lucky ones who has admitted to being an alco and is trying to do something about it before its too late. I have never had any legal problems related to my drinking, have never been violent have never lost control of my bladder etc, but these are all things that are commonplace among alcoholics as the disease progresses. I tell you these things because i want you to understand that invariably this is where alcoholism leads if it is not stopped. It doesn't matter how much he loves you or how much you love him. Alcoholism is a force to be reconned with and I wouldn't mind betting that given the choice, he would choose it over you. Not trying to be mean, just trying to be honest. You cannot continue to think he will change and become the man you want him to be on his own. Do not enable this behaviour. Give him a choice. Its you, a recovery program of both of your choosing and life OR he's on his own. He's on a slippery slope and in my opinion if he can't admit it even to himself, you are both on very dangerous ground. I wish you the very best. Talk to him, I wish i had someone who cared enough about me to recognise what i've been going through and call me on my drinking patterns. Best of luck.

Nuudawn

I cannot say whether your bf is alcoholic or not. He's showing the signs. The bigger issue is...you since you are the one posting here. Addiction hijacks the place where love should be. You are unhappy. Your life is the life being affected here. You are the one who has to face what he is not. You are not being well treated and that very well may be because your bf is is the clutches of addiction.

Bottom line is...you are not be well treated and you are staying and allowing his behaviour to continue and hurt you...hoping (magically) it will just change. He cannot face himself, if you cannot face yourself.

IMO, the most loving thing you can do is to stand up for yourself and not put up with and enable abusive behaviour. If you want him to see what he is doing, give him a reason to.

Mizzuno

I am sure that you love him and he loves you. Alcoholism is not concerned with love and respect. It does not care about safety. It disregards the future of a persons life and can cause great damage. His behaviors are not acceptable and there has to come a time when you decide that no matter what you are going to take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself means putting your safety first, putting your needs first, and knowing that you are standing in a place of truth. Taking care of yourself is not allowing anyone to put their hands on you, or scream at you. I do not think you are being dramatic. No one can tell you what to feel and when to feel or how to appropriately gauge a situation. This is your life. So, even though he happens to be the "one", I think there is a major issue that needs to be addressed. Your boyfriend has to address it. Please keep yourself safe and do not hesitate to take action if necessary. You are important. Whatever you decide to do, keep yourself at the front and center.

DG0409

You might want to check out the Family and Friends of Alcoholics section here. The 'stickies' at the top are a great place to start. Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Alcoholics quit if and when they are ready and generally there is nothing you can do to make them stop.

least

The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. Is this the man you want to live with and have children with? Think of how they'll grow up with a drunk for a father. It all depends on how much abuse you can tolerate. I lived with a drunk for a few years but finally threw him out. I now live a happy life without all his drama and abuse.

SkyeSea

Nobody should have to tolerate abuse - we get ONE life and this is it - this is not a dress rehearsal we're in the middle of x

Freebird13

Take out a piece of paper and pen and write down all the pros and cons of your relationship--not the pros of how it used to be, but the pros presently. If the cons outweigh the pros, then I think you know what you should do.

EndGameNYC

Just to cover all the bases here, COLINE, having children with this man will not make things better, and will inevitably make things much worse.

COLINE

Thanks for all your replies, they seem to all say the same thing, it is so hard to admit to myself that i can't continue this, i don't know what else to tell him, I have said it all... We had a massive argument last night because he was drunk comming home from work, not out of control but he had a few, and I started shouting at him and wanting to argue and then he started insulting me. I told him I wanted him to leave if he continued this, and he replied that he hasn't done anything wrong, and that he works hard, and that i always try and spoil everyones lives. I know i am a bit all over the place but I am so confused right now, I love this guy so much, he is the most funny, most generous most gentle guy i have ever met I will never get over leaving him, and i can't tell anyone about these things. and i fear that if i leave him it will destroy him he will never come round and get sober if i do that.
please if you have any more advice on WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I DO EXACTLY RIGHT NOW?????

Dee74

Hi Coline

someone suggested reading in the Family and Friends forums - I really think you should do that - you'll find so many stories there of guys who were great until they got drunk, and partners who won't leave cos they will never love again or they can't bear to destroy their partner....

I'm not dismissing your feelings at all - but I think it's good to read of other people who have been in this situation and see the advice that was given to them?

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D