flujays

Well guys, I was on day 3 and feeling pretty damn good. I hadn't even really thought about picking up. Today my close friend had a very special occasion. To cut a long story short and get to the point, it was a chidrens' ocasion so I offered to help out by dressing up as a clown and doing face painting for all the kids. Well there were lots of my husband's family there and everyone commented on how well i played the role and how much it had added to the occasion. but not my husband. He had nothing but criticism for me as usual. He told me he was embarassed and that I not only looked ridiculous but that I had somehow 'lowered myself' by dressing up as a clown. I did this for my dear friend and for the kids and my husband has just crushed me with his cruel words. He even said I made a fool of myself and that everyone was laughing behind my back. I didn't drink anything at the occasion and was stone cold sober. All I did was dress up like a clown and do face painting on the kids and hand out little prizes. But... I was so terribly upset that i found it hard to hold it together and play the part but i did manage it. When we went home, he raised it again and said he doesn't want me to ever do that again... but i was considering makiing it my new found career. I immediately went to the fridge and poured myself a HUGE glass of wine and drank it down fast. I know it was stupid and I'm not saying he made me do it, my hands are controlled by me, but I just did it and i hate that i did it. This sort of caper is not unusual or a one off with him, he regularly puts me down and belittles me or criticises what i wear or what i cook or the way i parent our children. Im starting to think that if i stay with him, i will never have a chance to stay sober because of his controlling, critical ways. Anyone else ever been in a toxic ralationship where children were involved? How did you get out? Please share your stories, I need inspiration.

JaylaaKent

Yes - I stayed with a husband very similar to yours (there were other things he did) but he had a job and didn't hit me - so I guess I thought its NOT "that bad". As I am recovering and sober - I realized a lot of my drinking towards the end of our marriage was to deal with him and be able to function without being a nervous, crying, depressed wreck - although in the end also - the alcohol ended up causing that. It will only get worse - it's a story I have seen, read, and heard from many women and men.

It seemed like there was "no way out" bills, mortgage, kids, jobs, etc. It took me over a year - but I sent my son (who is now 17) to live with his biological father. I have 2 other kids, but one went to college and my ex husband threw my other daughter out and she ran off to live with some guy she met on the internet (the last straw in my marriage). My drinking was interfering with my job more and more - I felt like I was "surviving" not "living life". I finally moved out, the house foreclosed, I got a divorce, and then filed bankruptcy. I did keep my professional job through all of this and now work on myself, go to AA, see a counselor, excercise - and I've never been happier. I'm like why did I wait so long to save myself?
I've met a wonderful man who supports me through my recovery - and am training for a promotion at my job - funny how fire and flames hurt - but we come out a sharper and more beautiful instrument afterwards. I'm not promoting you get a divorce or do what I do - but it definitel sounds like your self-esteem in being trampled on by a bully/troll. And your friends don't sound like good ones - who giggle behind your back - if it is EVEN TRUE - he might have made that up to make you feel bad. These type of people lie and manipulate to control you.

I highly suggest a women's AA meeting - they work best for me, especially in my beginning recovery.

flujays

Thanks so much for your post. I have no doubt that he is lying about people laughing behind my back. he puts me down everywhere he can, he's so nice to everyone else, nobody would ever believe me if i told them the **** that goes down in our house because he puts on this wonderful pleasant persona with everyone else and is a horrible nightmare once he comes home.

Tamerua

I have been in a relationship like that. But more importantly, my dad was like that to my mom. I really wish she had left sooner than she had, she waited until my brother was 17 and I was 12. We were already a mess from the abuse. It's more than just you.

Keep posting. I hope you find to courage to do what you need to do.

flujays

tamerua, thanks so much for your reply... may i ask you please, was it physical or emotional abuse that your mother suffered from your dad? My husband has never laid a finger on me in an abusive way, but his words cut deeper than a knife.

DecBaby

This is going to just keeping getting else. My ex had hit me on occasion but the words hurt more. I hope you can leave him. I stayed so long for the kids. What a lie. Everything feel apart so bad. He lost his job, we lost the home, my kids had to go stay with family. I continued to stay with him and my addiction got worse because hey I had nothing left to lose. There was one visit with my kids that made me see I was doing the right thing in getting ready to leave him. I went to see the kids without him and my kids were so relaxed. I never realized it but they were always tense when the two of were together.


I always say if I would have known we would all be doing this well I would have left sooner. It's not the ideal situation but everyone is happy and healthy.

Tamerua

Flu jays We only ever experienced the verbal and emotional abuse. By the time my brother was a teenager, he saw my mom is a complete doormat and he began to emulate the behavior of our father. Whether or not it's physical or emotional, it's abuse and it shouldn't be tolerated I think. You deserve better

Mizzuno

I have never had this type of relationship before, but I felt the need to give you my support. I think it is fabulous that you helped out at that party. Seriously, it sounds like you had a great time and the kids as well. You know the truth in this situation. I am sorry that you are going through this. The only thing that may apply here is: If there is a will, there is a way.

Do not let him tear you down. Do not drink over this. You are stronger than you know. We are here for you. Keep walking forward and that forward may find you walking into a new freedom!

Mizzuno

Nuudawn

I addressed a post to you on Acheleus's thread Flu. Unfortunately, we teach people how to treat us my friend. And I'm guessing the stage was set for this abuse long ago which has undoubtedly taken its toll on your spirit and self esteem. In sobriety, we must face the things we have tolerated, left unaddressed and all the time we have let slip by whilst we stayed drunk denying what is. Abusing yourself with alcohol is furthering what he is already doing. Who is home to mind you when you leave yourself?

There are fabulous folks here to lean on in sobriety rather than alcohol...to get you through difficult moments. You need support to find yourself again. Is counselling an option?

phoebe64

Flujays, that is so horrible. I think it sounds like you did a wonderful job, and it sounds like everyone loved it! And you know that!

He sounds vert toxic and controlling. Borderline personality disorder comes to mind. Fools everyone on the outside and makes you feel crazy!

I hope you can find support and strength to be yourself and stay sober in a safe environment. Hugs,

Ro-

least

I was in a toxic relationship a long time ago. I finally got the courage to throw him out and my life improved dramatically.

Your husband doesn't sound like a nice guy, to say the least. How much abuse will you tolerate from him before you reach your breaking point?

Freebird13

I, too, have been in relationships very similar to yours. I really believe these men are very insecure and that is why they inflict verbal abuse. They are also "projecting" (saying the negative things and applying them to you when really they are talking about themselves). I think it won't be very easy to stay sober while remaining in this toxic marriage. It can be done, I'm sure--but it will be extremely difficult and painful. Get out of this when you can. God Bless You!

Mizzuno

I was out on my run and was thinking: "What is your husband doing at a child's party?" Also, was he never a child himself? I mean, children love to have fun unlike some adults. We can learn a lot from a child ( this is coming from someone who acts silly on most occasions) I think you should hire yourself out to be a clown at childrens events....or some character that is fun. It brought joy to you and others. This is what life is about.

If there is a will, there is a way. Stay close to us. We are here for you.

advbike

Hang in there. Sounds like he is a very insecure individual who likes to please others and worries about what others think. In his mind they were laughing at you when in reality they were probably just having fun. It's his flawed interpretation and insecurity. Often these types of people are very critical and controlling. I would suggest that he get help for this behavior, ie. see a counselor, or you need to leave. Or both. It's just not healthy.

DoubleBarrel

I had many problems with my wife, but a great majority of it was her pent up resentments about my drinking.

The longer I stay sober, the better I can see things getting.

If he is like this on a continuing basis, its abusive, but maybe, just MAYBE he is lashing out because he is holding on to resentments about what is REALLY bothering him.

kadidee

Hi flujays, I was married to a man like your husband. The abuse eventually turned physical, but the words hurt a lot deeper than the fists. Have you thought about contacting your local domestic violence/women's program? These services are not just for women in physical danger; they offer support to anyone suffering emotional or verbal abuse. Depending on the facilities, you could join a support group to hear about others' experiences and talk to counselors who could help you figure out a plan to deal with finances if you decide to make a plan leave. At the very least, the people who work there will have lists of resources to get you started thinking about options (I don't have children, so didn't have to deal with that part. I realize that this makes your situation tenfold more complicated). Love to you, strong lady. You are definitely not alone. You do not deserve this--no one does. And he's not going to change.

misspond

Hey Flujays, don't despair, you can get through anything you know? I was desperately unhappy with the man who I lived with for 10 years and had two children with. When I left him I had no money, no job, no family close by, two small children and no hope. At the time that this was happening he was the drinker who went out 5 nights a week. (I thought I wasn't a drinker but guess what?!)

Anyway, my problem with alcohol was and is mine alone. But my unhappiness in the relationship was all mine and I left and since then I have been so much happier. Things are both related and unrelated. My ex didn't hit me, but he didn't really love and support me and everything I go through now is mine to own.

LadyBlue0527

flujays,

I lived with the same for 12 years before I finally realized that if I didn't get out that I was going to lose the last bit of myself that I had.

Not that it matters or has any point for you to see the real picture but I have to ask the question. How did the guests react to what you were doing? Did they seem positive? Did your friend thank you for the great job that you did? I'm willing to bet that you received nothing but positive and happy feedback.

Honey, no one was laughing at you. You were getting positive attention and everybody loved it, the adults as well as the kids. Abusers can't stand that. If someone gives you positive attention it demeans their abuse and they're afraid that you are actually going to realize that you do have worth! People do like you! You aren't a worthless piece of sh&% that only he will put up with. He couldn't stand listening to the great things that people were saying about you because it made him face what an a$% he is and we can't have that!

I seriously pray that you do some soul searching and realize that unless he goes to counseling it's only going to progress.

You did a good thing today, don't let him ruin that for you. Don't let his actions threaten your sobriety, stop giving him that control!

You can do this!

Bethany57

I would listen to his advice....

Yankee73

This hit me like a ton of bricks. Pure gold. My ex treated me the same way, whether I was drunk or sober. When he couldn't blame my drinking, he tried to make me feel like an idiot, anyway. I left and never looked back. They don't change.