LadyBlue0527

You've got it Yankee!

When my daughter was 6 months old my ex punched me square in the nose while I was holding her. When he went to work that night I left and went to a safe house.

The counselor looked at me and asked "What does he do for drugs?" I answered "He doesn't do drugs". Then she asked "How much does he drink?" I answered "He doesn't drink". She sat there pretty much dumbfounded for a few moments and said to me "You have a HUGE problem".

With most abusers the basis is the drug or alcohol use and if that can be removed the problem can be worked out. In my case my ex was just plain effed up in the head.

flujays, you are a human being and you deserve to be treated right. We're all with you to support you in staying sober and hope that you can see your way through whatever it takes to get through this. Is he completely closed off and won't go to counseling?

flujays

thanks so much everyone for your kind words of support and empathy. there is no way in the world he would ever go to counselling. I have wanted to do tht several times over the course of our marriage and he will not hear of it. I'm starting to think he is narcisistic and will never change. We went to a wedding yesterday and he told me for the first time in years that i looked nice. I'm very confused right now. his behaviour is so erratic but usually he is cruel rather than kind to me.

kadidee

flujays, I also felt a lot of confusion in my marriage and didn't understand his erratic behavior or when he was going to be nice (rare occasions). The 'nice' him usually came out after he had been extremely brutal and it kept me off-kilter because I'd start to get comfortable again and then boom. More cruelty. Some call this 'crazy-making'.

Would you consider going to a therapist on your own, just for you, and being honest about what's going on? Really wish I had done that before it went so far. At the time, I was concerned solely about protecting him and our marriage and didn't give 2 cents about myself.

SnoozyQ

Hiya Flujays :-)

I really don't believe it had anything at all to do with the clown costume .
Still waters run deep.
There is more going on here than i could possibly allude to as i don't know you both personally.
But i do know there IS a kindness in your husband hence him telling you , you looked nice and you liked it.
You saw a glimpse of the man you love and married.

This is SOOOO worth salvaging. Not just for the 2 of you but for the 5 of you .
Put down that glass and start giving back YOU to your family , you may be truly amazed at what will eventuate without looking through the alcoholic hazy fog.

REAL LIFE is so much better .

We DONT ease our life with alcohol , we RUIN IT and everyone's around us that has to deal with us.
You both sound like a nice couple who just needs a bit of help.
You have lost your way momentarily but its nothing that cant be fixed .


Your kids will LOVE YOU BOTH for it and the rewards are instant x

flujays

yes, i have considered/am considering a therapist, it would probably help me to talk openly face to face with someone about what's going on. I know the pain of my marriage not being what i wanted it to be is part of the problem with my alcohol abuse. But hey life is not always going to be a bed of roses and I really feel like i need to find better ways of coping that don't involve alcohol... i thought entertaining kids might be one of those things that helped me take my mind off things and keep busy in a positive way, that's part of the reason it hurt so much when my husband didn't approve, I'm used to him putting me and everything i do down, but in this instance i felt like he was taking something away from me that gave me a glimmer of hope.

flujays

thanks snoozy, you made me cry again when you said 'you saw a glimpse of the man you loved and married'. You somehow 'know me' without actually knowing me. I can't tell you how much pain i'm in right now, I just cry and cry and cry. Its overwhelming the degree of pain a person can endure silently suffering and nobody knowing their private inner hell. But you said earlier that you believed there was a reason I came here today and basically I believe I was meant to find you here today. I can't thank you enough for your wonderful support and words of hope and encouragement.

ChloeB

I can also relate..and..after 23 + years of him trying to "stop" my drinking..I have decided to get sober and I go to AA and now getting sober is a problem for him. It is a vicious circle... He has problems but I can only fix me... I think you should focus on your recovery first..

kittycat3

Flu jays, I'm sorry for your pain, sounds like he's being a total a$$.
But you have a lot on your plate with just getting sober. Take it one day at a time, and focus on getting sober first (clearly you've identified a big trigger, so now come up with a plan for the next time he acts this way.) don't make any rash decisions now, once you get some sober time under your belt you will be much better able to deal.

SnoozyQ

You are very welcome sweetie , ive been thinking of you all day...hope tomorrow is a better day for you ,
Much love xoxox