Ashamedof

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I'm day 4 clean of roxi, norco, opana, and anything else that even resembles a opiate. This is my 500th attempt to get clean. This time, I'm just disgusted and ashamed with myself and it's enough to make me quit. It's no longer just about me, it's about my family and me using all our hard earned money on pills. I've been on and off them for 10 years. I did manage to stay clean for 2 years -till my dr prescribed me tramadol. That just made me feel like "I need Vicodin" I was in a bad place, bad relationship and that's how I usually coped with things, pop a pill. Then I was off tramadol for a while, went back on till I finally found a dr who would prescribe the norco on a monthly basis. Then, that stopped working and I knew this girl who was a ex heroin addict, so stupid me texts her and asked if she has anything. Stupidest mistake of my life. I get super hooked on roxi 30mg and start spending money out of control. I would stare at my phone just waiting for her text. However, I told her no more. I'm done. She still tried to lure me back but I stood my ground and said NO. So far. I haven't heard from her in about a week.

Day 4. I just feel like impending doom? That's the worst for me right now, a feeling like nothing makes sense and I can't get enough energy up to do much of anything. I've been taking loads of vitamins, water, eating fruit etc. I remember the time I was sober for 2 years, it took months before I felt better. I hope I can really do it this time. Thanks for having me

Hevyn

Welcome to SR Ashamedof. I'm very glad you decided to tell your story and reach out for some help. This is a wonderful place.

I have no experience with drugs, just alcohol - so I can't address your specific situation - but I'm sure others will. I definitely relate to the feelings of guilt, shame, & remorse. It's natural (& necessary) to regret what we've done to our lives - but please be kind to yourself. No one sets out to destroy themselves - and you are trying to reclaim your life. Give yourself some credit and be patient. You can do this.

Ashamedof

Thank you Hevyn. I finally stopped blaming everyone else from my addiction because I feel like it was always "ok" because of what I've been through, you know? It was my abusive ex who got me started on the pills but it was my choice to continue them. I only blame myself. I feel like a phony. I know ill start to feel better but it's a long road ahead and I'm glad to have your support and this site. I've been lurking for days now but felt good enough physically to actually type and interact. I'm lucky that I work from home but even making the bed is a struggle. I did manage 5 hours of sleep last night.

Another problem for me is my husband is a functioning alcoholic. He would never get help either. He's tried to quit and it lasted one day. How can I be sober if he's not? How can this work?

YoungAndClean

Yeah the allure of opiates are strong. I was just thinking about that while driving earlier, how it seemingly doesn't matter how much clean-time I had, if in a moment of weakness I found some Oxycontin IR pills in a family or friends medicine cabinet, I can't picture myself not using. Opiates are my DOC, and thats good and bad. It's good because they brought me down so low that getting sobriety was my only option besides homelessness, jail, death, etc. But it's also bad that opiates are my DOC because I love the high way more than I should, and I do have many pleasant memories from when I first started to dance with the devil.

I've been right where you are, coming out the other side of the comfortable opiate womb. Honestly if you weren't feeling hopeless, depressed, confused, and angry I'd doubt you had much of a problem. Thats just how opiates are, they make you feel amazing for a short time, and then your tolerance goes up and you become dependent, and then shortly after, out of money or opiates. I use to stare at my phone too, as well as drive an hour and a half both ways to get my junk. It was a horrible yet exciting way to live, but boy am I paying for it now. The best gift that my higher power could give me in sobriety is to never come face to face with opiates ever again.

Your in the right place, and there is life after them, and believe it or not, it's actually really good in different ways and you loose a lot of fears that come with sustaining an opiate habit. S.R. has more talk about alcohol than opiates, but there are plenty of us addicts in the substance abuse forum. Welcome to SR, I hope the stories, fellowship, and advice help you on your road to freedom.

Dee74

Hi ashamedof - welcome

My drug was alcohol but I definitely felt that impending doom. I found doing normal things really helped - clean up your house a little, take a walk, those kinds of things - if you feel poorly, just do whatever you can.

I hope you'll feel a little better tomorrow

Ashamedof

Thank you so much young and clean. The thought of being homeless or in jail buying drugs is enough to scare me. I don't think anyone knows , if they do they never confronted me. I am going to change my number because what if she texts me and I have a moment of weakness? Out of sight, out of mind. My husband hates pills and calls them junkie losers. Ha, if he only knew his beautiful, adoring wife is one of those people he hates.

Ashamedof

Thank you dee, I'm going to start cleaning, mind over matter! Plus it's a beautiful day out, maybe a walk will do me good.

Bubovski

Not familiar with your drugs but had an extremely long and horrendous ride with benzodiazepines, not to mention alcohol. Have you considered N.A.?

As for your husband, suggest you look at alleviating the drug problem primarily, and don't feel too guilty re your marriage.

Anna

Welcome!

You know a big part of addiction is the lies we tell and the things we hide. I know for me, the lying and hiding my drinking took on a life of its own. And, it destroys self-esteem. I'm so glad you're here seeking support.

least

to the family! There is a lot of support here. I'm glad you joined us.

Ashamedof

Y'all are wonderful. Thank you so very much for welcoming me! Really means a lot because I have no one to talk to about this. I was so focused on the drugs that I neglected many relationships including my marriage. One thing at a time right? I'll worry about the state of our marriage another time. Right now I'm just taking it literally minute by minute. I'm going to jump on my treadmill , even if I do 10 minutes.

Ashamedof

Oh, I don't have a car at the moment but I should next week. So, as far as meetings, I'm stuck at home. If I had a car , I would go out because I'm getting cabin fever and it makes it all worse.

Ashamedof

I managed 20 minutes on the treadmill , I showered, put some make up on and I feel so much better! Wow. I'm going to attempt the exercise again tomorrow. Getting dressed and feeling refreshed makes a difference too. Laying in bed has to be the worst. I feel like everything is amplified. At the same time. You don't really want to see anyone either but I guess "faking" it might make you actually feel better, who knows?