Alabamama

I'm new here, so bear with me if this does not post where it should. I've been married for 24 years to a hard working, loving husband. The only problem we have in our marriage is his drinking. No matter how many times I tell him how much it bothers me and how much I tell him it effects our children to see him drunk he doesn't stop, he will do good after I really raise hell but then it goes back to how it was. I don't mind him having a drink to unwind from his very stressful job but to get drunk every night and try to act like your not is pushing me away from him. I no longer wish to be around him, have lost respect for him and needless to say there's no love life due to him being drunk every night. He cleans the house, does laundry and treats me like a queen. Sometimes I think he does all that so I'll be happy and I am, but I think he does it so I won't say anything about the drinking. I have 2 grown children that live on there own but a 16 year old who lives at home and is tired of it as well. He doesn't think he has a problem, but I'm here to say its a big problem. How can I make him see he's pushing us out the door and will find himself alone with his vodka bottle if he doesn't slow down. He's 60 years old and drinks 2-3 half gallons of vodka a week. Certainly his body can't take much more. He also takes 2 10mg percosets 3 times a day for RA but I have to keep them locked up and give them to him daily because he would take the whole bottle of 90 in 2-3 days. What am I going to do or what should I do? I'm starting to dislike him immensely but do love him.

mytimeforchange

Hi and welcome. I was married for 15 years. I lost it. She finally could not handle me anymore. It happened so fast (in my mind, the divorce). I think there are two sides to this illness. The alcoholic and the co-dependent/enabler. My wife was co-dependent. She loved me. But at the same time as an alcoholic which is detrimental, and often a symptom of co-dependency, is "tolerating" the one your with- she was tolerant. There is a distinct difference between tolerating someones behavior (for and Alcoholic, I get away with my behavior) and help. Help meaning, "you get your sh** together or I am out". That would of "helped" me realize what I was about to loss. I was just grazing the field with no consequence. Try the Help side........i wish my wife did....

resolute50

Welcome to SR.
There's also a family forum of alcoholics here.They might have more info for you there.
I can only speak from your husbands perspective.

Sadly,no matter what you do,it's really up to him to stop.
Have you ever considered taking a video of what you go through and showing him?
I know I was quite shocked at my behavior during a blackout.

Mizzuno

The one thing that you can do is get help for yourself. As sad as it is, the Alcoholic will only change the behavior when they are ready to change. I think arming yourself with some healthy tools will help out in the long run. Addiction is a very hard thing to deal with. The friends and family section on this forum has great information. Please keep posting and Welcome To SR!

Alabamama

Thank you for your comment. I guess I don't threaten him because I know I would have to follow through and I cannot afford to take care of myself. I feel stuck. I want to tell him how the whole thing makes me feel towards him and have done that to a point, but I really have some harsh words for him and don't want to hurt him like that. I won't be able to take it back. But I'm getting to the point where I don't care if I do hurt his feelings. I wanted to find another way of making him see what he is doing to us. I took a picture of him the other night while drunk, I think I will collect a few more and then try to convince him to get help. It's funny, I just retread what I typed and I wonder why I care so much about hurting his feelings when obviously he doesn't care about hurting mine. I guess I know that he does have a disease and can't help himself. That I do realize.

Alabamama

I'm a little confused as how to reply back to individual posts. There is not a "post reply" to each comment. Can someone advise me as how to reply back to comments. Thank you

jaynie04

Hi and welcome Alabama! I come from the other side of the fence as a newly recovering alcoholic. The one thing I want to point out is that your husband CAN help himself! But, only he can help himself. That means letting the chips fall where they may. Strangely, well meaning significant others actually contribute (unwittingly) by buying into the fact that the alcoholic doesn't bear the responsibility.

The alcoholic is not at fault for having the illness, but it is up to them to make the changes necessary to recovery. Just like finding out you have diabetes, no shame in having it, but what are you going to do about it? Alcoholics can't have one or two, that is the very root of the problem. For us it is an all or nothing proposition. Your husband has to really really want to get well, because it isn't easy.

You might feel stuck right now, but beginning to educate yourself will empower you. This is a great resource to begin to learn about alcoholism and your part in what is known as a family disease. Other family members will be along to welcome you and share their experiences. I think you hit the nail on the head, he isn't worried about hurting your feelings....so why join him in that foray? You have every right to peace and happiness in this life, as much as he does. Please take care and welcome!

ReadyAtLast

If you click on the 'quote' icon at thebottom of the post you specifcally wish to respond to.It will appear in a new box and you just type your response underneath the other poster's text

You'll get the hang of it

welcome to SR

Uninvited

You hit the qoute button to reply.

Gfs123

You sound like me except that I also drink too much. My husband goes out to a bar with "friends" six nights a week and I sit home and drink alone. I used to beg him to not drink, not go out, but then I realized he wasn't going to change. I too have taken pictures of him when he's drunk but then I don't show him them when he's sober. I have also kept a journal of what he's done over the years and how he's made me feel but I've never showed anyone that either. I've always blamed my drinking on him. The difference between him and I is that he gets falling down drunk, slurring words etc. I just get zoned out. I told myself I wasn't as bad as he was. Now my dr has told me to stop drinking, which I did as of Tuesday. So far I've been ok but I really don't know if I will be able to continue. I just keep telling myself to do this for me and ignore him. I hope someone else has an answer for husbands like ours. I know it would help them and me too. Good luck to both of us.

icandoallthings

Oh MY Gosh! I could have written this myself! I have been EXACTLY the same way! Today is my 2nd 1st day. I did good last week until day 4 and then I gave in. So, here I go again! Thanks for putting this out there.

Gfs123

Your reply made me cry. I can't believe there's someone like me out there. Good for you for starting again. I don't even know if my husband has noticed that I've been drinking water instead of my usual wine. Of course that's because he comes home around 9 and is usually drunk. He pours a glass of wine, sits in his chair and passes out. That takes about two minutes. No talking, no hi, how are you, nothing. Occasionally he's really mean but not physically. Usually he just ignores me. That's when I usually say to myself, and this is why I drink. Maybe on Sunday I will try and talk to him. That's the only day we talk because there's no alcohol until night time and he really doesn't drink that much then. Sunday is my good day of the week. And then I wake up on Monday and know that it's all going to start over and I will be alone till the next Sunday. Hopefully at least I won't be drinking next Sunday. I'm really going to try. We can do this!

ClearLight

Alabamama-

I would recommend you start a thread in the "Friends and Family" forum. There's a link below. You just click on it.

There's lots of people there dealing with alcoholic spouses. Lots of good feedback.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

duane1

I kind of feel the same way mytimeforchange feels. I was in a very similar situation. Only seeing my own mortality before my eyes after a healthy scare made me quit. I'm not sure an ultimatum by my wife would have worked, but it very well could have.
One thing I will say is that there is no 1 drink to an alcoholic. I would say 99% of alcoholics need to quit cold turkey to be successful at quitting. If you leave that 1 drink open, they won't gain sobriety or moderation IMHO.

Bird615

Hello and welcome to SR!

There is an answer that works very well for many people in your situation. It's called Al-Anon.

There's also this board right here on SR:Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Best wishes to you!

least

to SR! Do check out the friends and family forum for additional insight from those who have been there.

You've come to a good place for support. I'm glad you joined us.

Alabamama

Thank you Bob for the advice. A video is a great idea. Maybe shame will drive him to look at himself and decide to get help. I appreciate your response.

Alabamama

Thank you for your response. I will try the forum you suggested. I appreciate the response.

Alabamama

Oh, I use to drink too! But one day I woke up and said I don't want to do this anymore and I quit. Been sober for 4 years. I eventually realized that our kids needed at least one parent who wasn't drunk every night. When you start drinking alone they say then you have a problem. I drank alone, I admitted to having a problem, I just didn't know how I would live without it. Well, you sure do learn who your friends are. They were not friends, just drinking buddies. My husband and I had drinking in common, now that I don't drink I can't stand to be around him when he's drunk. My kids said yeah mom that's how we felt when you drank. I was so ashamed of myself. I think the shame has kept me away from it. I don't judge anyone that drinks, I just can't handle it. One is not enough for me. Thank you for responding to my post and just know there is so much more out there for yourself but how to enjoy it when your sober is the question I always had. Didn't think I could enjoy life without a drink in my hand. Keep me posted as will I. Sharon

JaylaaKent

Try Al-Anon or even an AA meeting. I used to think like your husband: "I cook, clean, work - what's the problem with my drinking??" Alcoholics think everyone is feeling/thinking like they are when they are "drunk. That's what alcohol does to your brain - makes you think differently. Just understand that alcoholism is not a self-control issue - there is an actual physical alteration that occurs also.