Anna

I can assure you that he is already feeling shame, and that isn't enough to make him stop drinking. He needs to decide to stop drinking because he believes he is worth it. He needs to do it for himself.

sugarbear1

Have you considered attending Al Anon and working the steps for you?

Love and hugs sent your way!

Alabamama

I have considered, unfortunately I would have to travel 2 hours to get to one. I was hoping to find a book about the same topic. Thank you for responding.

Nuudawn

I don't think he is likely lucid enough to truly hear anything you say. He is long beyond reason my friend. Best thing you can do is do everything in your power to detach from him problem in order to work on your own. Gain support, knowledge and wisdom for yourself. You have a recovery of your own to focus on.

Gfs123

I made it through last night without drinking. We actually had dinner out with our two adult children. My husband has never picked me up to go out, he calls me and tells me when it's ok to come. He drank as usual and I told him that I wanted to not drink so tell the bartender not to give me wine. Normally they would just hand me my wine because I'm a "regulars" wife. Hubby seemed surprised I didn't want the wine. I guess he didn't notice I hadn't had any during the week. Anyway, dinner was ok. I really didn't crave the alcohol but as he drank more and more I got more nervous/uncomfortable as I watched him get louder and repeat the same things over and over. Finally I said well I'm going to go, and he said oh I'm right behind you. He got home 2 hours later. Poured a glass of wine and was slumped over in his chair within 5 minutes. While at dinner my daughter did ask why I wasn't drinking wine. I just said that I was tired. I know if we didn't go to his "regular" place for dinner things would be a little different but he doesn't want to go anywhere else. There's a whole group of men, from all walks of life who are regulars there and he thinks they are his friends. A couple of them are true friends maybe, but the rest are just drinking buddies like you say. I know I can't change him, but I want him to change for us. I sometimes wish that restaurant would burn down, but he would find another place I'm sure. Thanks for listening to me go on and on. I'm so proud of you for your four yrs of sobriety. I'm on day five. A long way to go. I feel so much better too so that's also helping me.

JaylaaKent

Just going to ONE meeting could make a difference. Make a day and take 5 hours for yourself to drive and go maybe? Could give you time in the car to listen to music, an uplifting CD or just enjoy some quiet.

Alabamama

Thank you for your advise. I think your right. I need to educate myself first then maybe I can deal with this better. Like Oprah says "when you know better you do better". I realize it's a disease, it's the only reason I haven't left. He wouldn't walk out on me if I had a disease. It's so hard, I certainly don't want to play games though. This is serious and I have to make him see it that way. Thanks again

Alabamama

I didn't realize there were steps for the non drinker to follow. I've really learned so much from everyone's responses and am very grateful I've found a place to let off steam but mostly to tell someone thr truth. Just getting it off your chest has helped immensely. Thanks to all.

phoebe64

This post resonates with me. I struggle to stay sober, but have been in and out of sobriety for 3 years, mostly out, moderating my consumption. But my husband still drinks and has no intention of stopping. A few, most nights, but about 8 beers on a weekend night. I am so annoyed by his presence when he drinks. Sorry, but once anyone has a few, and surely me too, they become so annoying and irritating to me. Even if pleasant. It just changes people.

Isn't is so crystal clear through sober eyes? You realize what a huge waste it is.

I hope your husband decides to stop, and he is so lucky you care.

Alabamama

It must be day 10 by now. I'm glad you are trying to change your ways as well. You don't realize till your sober and by watching your husbands actions how much alchol can hurt a family. I never dreamed I would be complaining about drinking because as long as he drank I could drink too! Everything was always a party, stop by for a drink I would always say. Well, since I've stopped drinking the people that I thought were my friends are no longer. That was the most hurtful thing to me. After you quit drinking you really need your friends is what I thought, but I would rather not have any friends then to have friends who only want to bring you down with them. One friend said come on just have one! Can you imagine. I think your like me you just have to decide what you want for yourself and follow thru. You really see things differently thru sober eyes. I understand about your husband, I'm married to one of those too but I refuse to go through the shame I always felt while drinking. I always knew it wasn't right to do it I just couldn't stop myself. Since being sober all three of my adult kids have told me what a better person I've become but they also brought up how I was when I was drinking and let me tell you the shame I feel hearing it. Why didn't I see this earlier? I wasted so many of my children's precious years drunk, when they really needed me. What a terrible mother I was. But that was then and this is now and the only thing I can do is try to continue to make it up to them although I know they forgive me I haven't forgiven myself. I hope my story helps you, feel free to write whenever you feel like it. I will always try to answer and encourage you without judgement. Sharon

Alabamama

I know what your saying, my husband really does discust me sometimes, well most of the time. I think it's because I've told him so many times how he acts and he just doesn't seem to really get it. When I lay in bed I don't want him to touch me, talk to me, or anything else because he is so annoying while he's drunk. I think if I hear about his work one more time I. Going to kill myself, over and over he goes about the same old ****. Once is enough. I certainly want to support him but he doesn't make it easy. This has been going on for years though and getting sober myself was the best thing I ever did for myself. Now maybe I can be strong enough to help him if I don't kill him first! Lol

Gfs123

It's day 9 for me now. My husband has not said a word about me not drinking. Yesterday I went to his office and he was already gone at 4:15. I texted him at the time and he never responded. Not even a comment when he showed up at home at 8pm. Of course he doesn't speak to me unless he's being a mean drunk so that was a good thing. I don't really have any friends anymore. It's too embarrassing to have your husband slurring words, repeating stories, getting louder and louder etc. I quit doing things or accepting invitations a long time ago because he always has to drink before he goes anywhere...even if it's a party where he knows there's plenty of booze. Even now if my mom is coming over or we are going for a family dinner somewhere other than his regular bar/restaurant I have to call him during the day and say to him , Don't go somewhere and drink first. When we were planning my daughters wedding she asked me, who's going to watch dad? How sad is that? In his defense, his father drank screwdrivers all day long after he retired. That man was a mean mean drunk. On the plus side my husband is a hard worker, very we'll respected in his profession even though I know the same people who respect him also know hes the one who always gets sloppy drunk at functions. They probably don't realize that for me it's an everyday thing. Last night when he came home he poured his wine, which he didn't drink much of because he passed out within 5 mins and the smell was really yucky to me. Then later he woke up and went upstairs to bed. About an hour after that I went up and when I went in the room I could smell the booze just coming from his body. It was gross.
I'm glad your kids have opened up to you. So far mine either haven't noticed or commented to me. I really appreciate that you're sharing your experiences. It sure does help to know I'm not the only one.
This weekend is a getaway meeting for my husbands business group. These are always bad situations for us. Usually at some point after a good dinner and wine everyone ends up sitting around watching my husband be the center of attention. He's so hilarious. I sit in the back and just watch him perform. I'm usually the only one not laughing at him. After a while I realize other people are watching me. I'm sure it's because I'm sitting there clenching my teeth, embarrassed. And that was when I too was drinking. I wonder how this trip will be? That's going to be thurs and fri night. I'm very worried about it.
Ok. Enough of my ranting. Have a wonderful day. I'm watching my grandson this am so life is good. Talk to you soon.

Gfs123

I hate the fact that sometimes we have whole conversations, make plans etc. then the subject comes up again and he doesn't remember any part of the conversation. I say to him , Are you kidding me? We talked about this on tues. You said you wanted to do whatever. Then of course he says, how am I supposed to remember everything. It's not like I don't have anything else on my mind. You have no idea what I have to deal with every day. All you do is play your stupid computer games. And then I just sit there in disgust and defeat. It's not cuz he's busy , it's cuz he's a drunk. Or it's because anything that has to do with me is the least important thing in his life.

LSC1

That was me last year ... I realised I had to stop drinking. I can't stop my hubby drinking ... and time will tell if he wants to stop drinking

Gfs123

I hope I'm able to continue not drinking. So far I've not really had any temptations plus what started it for me was a trip to my dr who said take care of yourself, no more alcohol. It's only 9 days for me tho. How do you cope with him drinking if you don't mind my asking. Does it tempt you ?

kyara

Drinking took a hold on me for nearly 6 years. It was awful. My husband and children did not know how much I drank until the last 3 years. It hurt them to see me struggle and how I was slipping away from the family functions, my friends, my job. My husband decided to call an Alcoholic help line here in my home town. had an appointment set up for me to see a counsellor. Because what he learned from talking to her, was I did not wake up one day and decide to be an alcoholic and complicate everyone's lives, but rather it is a disease. The choice was up to me, weather I chose to get the help or not. You cannot force an alcoholic to stop - no matter how badly they want to. I needed to learn the tools that were going to help me. And I needed to decide what was more important to me - my family or my booze. I obviously chose my family, but I understand how the booze can have such a hold on you that you can still screw up. Its difficult to understand. I had a terrible time accepting that alcoholisim was a disease and not just something weak people did.

Gfs123

But how do you get them to realize that drinking to the point of being drunk every day is not normal/good and is hurting others ? I know if I called my husband up right now, and said we need to talk. Blah blah blah. He would tell me that he runs a huge company. He's doing all this for me. How can I be against him. Etc etc. then he would say Fine. If that's how you feel Ill do what you want. And he would make me miserable for that one day that he came home instead of going to a bar. The next day he'd be right back to the way it normally is for us. He's out, impressing the girls and being a big shot with the guys in the bar. He did have a bad episode about a yr ago. He got really drunk and one of his friends tried to drive him home but he wouldn't allow it. The friend followed him home and when he got out of his truck he actually fell out and hit his head on the driveway. The friend tried to help but was shoved away and locked out of my house by him. ( I was out at the time with my daughter). The friend called me to come home which I did. The whole side of his face was road rash, not to mention he was physically sick for two days after. I was actually happy at the time because I thought ok, this will stop him. Nope! Only stopped him for about 4 days.

kyara

Its hard, I know. My drinking didn't quite take me to same lengths, however it still put a lot of strain on my relationship with my husband and children. They were always worried to death when I drank. In my last year of drinking, my husband told me that it is going to come to a point where we can no longer be together. Its not what he wanted, but it was for the best. I simply had to make the decision on my own to quit and I think that is what your going to have to tell your husband. You don't deserve to live in fear , nor do your children. Its tough love, but it worked for me. I too would tell my husband how hard I worked, how many responsibilities I had, how rough my childhood was etc... I had every excuse in the book, that would allow me to have that "buzz". I did not like the person I was becoming and had to make that choice to get the help myself, or probably lose my family. Personally, I believe your husband has to come to the decision himself that he truly wants to quit and then reach out for appropiate help that will help him quit. And if he choses not to quit, then I believe you will have to decide wether or not you are going to stay with him. For some, I have heard, they need to lose alot in order for them to quit, and for others not so much. It is different for everyone. There are great addiction centres out there that he can attend that will provide him with the tools, but like I said, you can force him. Decision has to be his.
I do'n't know if this is any help, I hope it is.I will say that its not going to be easy, so keep reaching out for all the support you can get.

Best of luck
Kyara

Alabamama

Thank you Kyara for the advise. I know your right, he has to decide himself, but I'm really worried about his health. He's drinking 2 half gallons a week. It's got to be doing terrible things to his liver. I know he has to think about it but I'm sure he feels indispensable, he just says he's not going to think about it and doesn't. He is going to drink himself to death. And you know what, I'm so tired of talking to him about it, it does no good. He says I know, I know, I don't want to be like this, I don't know how I got to this point but yet he continues to suck it down. I guess that's where the disease comes in to play. I've taken a few pictures of him while he is in the process of passing out. I'm going to collect a few more and show him just what he looks like.. Maybe if he's discusted with himself that will help him to quit. I hate to belittle him or rub it in his face because I do love him and care deeply but on the other hand I don't trust his word or respect him like I use to. He's a big time boss, has a lot of responsibility but that excuse has gotten old. I just don't know what to do anymore. I may just have to leave after my son goes to college in another year. I'm sure I will be way past tired of it by then unless he drinks himself to death in the meantime. I hope to god I never hurt my family in the way that he is hurting us. Thanks for listening, I'm so appreciative of everyone for their intake.

Alabamama

No, I'm not tempted. It's amazing but I feel like the man upstairs has something to do with it. The way I just quit and never went back is as surprising to me as it was to everyone else. I'm very grateful I don't have the desire. Watching my husband drink and carry on is a constant reminder of how I must have been. That my dear keeps me strong and away from it. No more hangovers and feelings of shame, guilt and disgust at myself,, why would I want to go back to that? I'm lucky and I hope you are doing better yourself. I feel like we're i. The same situation as far as our husbands go so it's easy to write how I feel because I know I'm not the only one feeling like this. Keep writing whenever you need to.