wpainterw

I found that, as time went on, I gradually was able to discover whether I was an alcoholic, that I could not "moderate" my drinking. And I kept saying to myself, "I don't like..., don't like....don't want to... don't want to....". I was addicted and alcoholic and didn't want advice from others as to how I should live my life. And I "didn't like" many aspects of meetings.
But the alcohol didn't care. It just kept getting worse. Eventually my doctors said that it was a miracle that I had not done permanent damage to my liver. It took me forty years to realize that the alcohol didn't give a d..m about what I didn't like or didn't want to admit and, if I had not stopped, I would be dead.
I stopped and have not had a drink for 25 years. I don't feel that I've been "deprived" of anything. Just glad that I didn't kill myself.

W.

wakko

The only thing that alcohol wants is to kill us. Plain and simple it wants us dead and unfortunately it succeeds far too often.

JaylaaKent

Well do you think you should get worse before you "get better"? I used to think the way you did after I got out of detox the first time. "I GOT THIS - I can handle this" - hmmm didn't work to well for me. Sounds like you need to really look at yourself or maybe hit a lower bottom before you are ready to quit. I understand - same thing happened to me - because I knew it all. I wasn't like "them" Pride and lack of humility was my biggest obstacle. Then there was a gambit of emotions: denial, shame, mourning the loss of my drinking times. Towards the end though it was so unpleasant - after I got sober - I don't know what I was HONESTLY thinking? I enjoyed that? When you are READY you will find the method right for you. For me I was begging for help and pleading for anyone/anything. I now listen and do what those who have successfully quit drinking and live a life like I want to live, and I put my pride and know-it-all-attitude aside.

Not all AA meetings, groups, or people are "uplifting" or profound. I find some groups I have to avoid - just not my type, other I love. Even with the groups I love - I have good meetings/bad meetings. But in the end at least it's one hour I'm not drinking and I might even take away a tiny piece of inspiration.

Threshold

I found speaker meetings to be the least helpful to me, and book study meetings to be the most helpful to me.

I had to be willing to not drink ever again. Even if I wasn't yet sure that I never would drink again, I had to be willing to do life without a drink.

I found the book study meetings more helpful because there were fewer opionions, brags and self flagellation, more about working the solution.

I sort of looked at it like school. Yeah, there was someplace I'd rather be, but I wanted the benefit of education and where it could take me, so I traded time off for learning what I needed to know so I could do what I wanted to do.

wpainterw

Entirely apart from AA (which is not the only path to sobriety) have you looked into Rational Recovery and AVRT? Why not look into it and then ask yourself, "Who is doing the posting here? Who is saying all the "I don't like" "I don't need this!" "No one's going to tell me what to do!" Could it be that this is the midbrain talking? Are you sure where this is coming from? As alcohol gets its grip on the body chemistry, the body adapts to that and various physiological changes take place. The midbrain, sometimes called the "lizard brain" because of its primitive character, tends to predominate over the more rational parts of the brain, which have become numbed by booze. Everyone has this midbrain and it's essentially emotional and child like. It wants the alcohol back and so the game begins, "I don't like" "I don't want" "I can control it" "No one's going to tell me how..." "They're all a bunch of ...." The "witch message" there is loud and clear: "Bring back the alcohol! Whatever you do bring back the alcohol! Right now! I want what I want... when I want it!"
Check out Rational Recovery and AVRT (the book by Jack Trimpey) and then listen carefully to the voice within. Consider whether you can trust that voice, whether that is your friend or something far, far different.

W.

Nattythreads

Alcohol doesn't want to kill us. Alcohol doesn't want us dead.

Alcohol is harmful if abused. We are the abusers.

Demonization is no substitute for taking responsibility and steps to end our abuse.

EndGameNYC

I've heard it hundreds of times as well. Often, the cover story doesn't tell the whole story.

The thing about getting sober in AA is, if you don't want to get sober, there are several things to dislike and criticize in AA's program of recovery, many of which sound like the result of thoughtful, well considered reasoning, instead of the futility of wanting to continue to drink.

And it's not just AA. People who want to continue drinking more than they want to get sober are dismissive of therapy, group therapy, online or face-to-face support and virtually everything else that's available.

If you want to drink, there's is absolutely nothing in the known universe that's going to stop you.

Doogie92

Thanks everyone for the replies, I did read them all. I am feeling much better today, I was a little upset last night, lol. I am not completely against aa, the first meeting I went to I did like better than last nights, so in all likelihood, it was just this one meeting. I know I am angry because alcohol is my friend and I don't really like the idea of giving it up. I am six days sober today, and I am looking forward to making this work, this time. I will also look into some other recovery methods, but it needs to be cheap or free lol. I like the approach that I can take what I need and leave the rest. Also, have been thinking that all my anger towards these couple meetings is probably actually a good thing; I am being forced to look at my own problems from other perspectives and really come to terms with this, instead of just sweeping it under the rug until the next time an uncontrollable urge strikes. Thanks again for all the replies I like this website

keithj

I know that is a comforting idea and probably feels good to hear it. However, in my experience of working with hundreds of guys over a number of years, it's rarely true. By and large, those that maintain long term sobriety tend to stick pretty close to the original program as laid out in the BB.

This is speaking from an AA perspective only. I have no experience with other programs.

Nattythreads

Sorry Keith but just my experience here, just as yours is yours. It's just another tool in the sober arsenal for me. I do agree with "take what you want and leave the rest". It's kept me coming back and introduced me to many people who have helped me enormously and finally enabled me to hit the off switch in a permanent fashion.

Doogie I used to be angry at AA/NA. But then I used to be angry at lots of things and people. Anything that had the temerity to tell me what was wrong with me or offered me help for a problem or problems I refused to accept actually existed. And this despite the fact that I was so far gone my body and mind were literally falling apart.

Today I'm not angry at AA/NA. Some of my reservations remain the same but I don't look for the negatives, I look for the positives. I listen instead of argue just in case there's a nugget in there that can help me. I mix with like-minded souls and stay away from those who follow a different path. I go when I feel like it and don't when I don't.

AA is never the problem. We are.

Carlotta

Look up Women For Sobriety it is a very good program too and it might be a better fit for you, it is secular and they do not focus on wars stories. Also try other AA meetings, meetings are very different from each others, I steer clear of war stories and go to solution oriented meetings. More importantly, do not pick up that first drink or drug no matter what.

Itchy

Doogie,
Great! Then later when you see an angry newby come on and see they feel like you did at first maybe you can help with a little active listening. I came to the inescapable conclusion that I was committing slow suicide, and I am definitely not suicidal. I made the decision to never drink again with no try, just do, before I checked into a one week in hospital safe detox. I am never going through all that again. My self indulgent laziness insures that! Relapsing sounds like entirely too much hazardous work! Lazy has its uses. And now I have to get off my dead axe to go drink and deal with all the aftermath effects? Now it is more effort than it is worth. My ennui knows no limits, and has swung the other way. It is now more effort to relapse than to stay sober.

See I am a self indulgent fool in some things. Being a drunk is no longer one of them.

I have seen my needs, and I have met them.

Imabuleva

Exactly. If you have four bucks you can get drunk. Go for it if that's the life you want to live. Unfortunately, you'll probably end up doing something stupid and hurting your long term goals. At the very least, you'll feel like absolute crap tomorrow physically.

And then you'll drink again tomorrow to stop feeling like crap. And the next day. And the next day. And all of a sudden you're stuck back in the same rut.

This was directed at myself. I found myself sitting here at work thinking how nice it would be to have a drink tonight. Thanks for the wake up call EndGameNYC.

wakko

I have no problem demonizing alcohol because it killed my parents and a few friends Plus millions of others who were either unable or unwilling to take personal responsi bility for their recovery. Knowing that alcohol wants me dead helps keep me sober but each to his own.

Dee74

I think we all have our own locus of meaning regarding alcohol and alcoholism.
The terms are often used to mean the same thing in forums like these.

Noones understanding or meaning is better than anyone elses, IMO.

D

Doogie92

@itchy I was thinking the same thing today. I have gone six days and it's better to stay sober than to have to go through even the first six days again lol. I can imagine if I make it a couple months and then relapsed I will feel like all my hard work was wasted. I don't want to wake up again one morning facing yet another "day one"

EndGameNYC

Another benefit of getting sober. If I drink, I drink. But it's just too much damned work trying to keep it all together when I'm drinking. I've worked too hard to get where I'm going.

longbeachone

I read through some of your posts, and I certainly can't say whether or not you are an alcoholic. It kind of like pornography...hard to define, but you know it when you see it!

One of the biggest reasons I had to stop drinking was because alcohol had seized control of my life. Absolutely everything was made worse by my obsession to drink. By the time I finally stopped, I'm sure I was much older than you. How I wish I'd stopped years before. Anyway, I hope you find what you are seeking.

Bubovski

My first time in AA was 1995 and I wasn't overly impressed.
Someone gave me a phone number and told me off for ringing too early.
At a NA meeting I heard of a sponsor telling all of a young persons "bad stuff" to the group. I was a bit non plussed.

Back, Jan 2013, and things are going well for me. Some of the boozalogues can be a bit annoying, but I imagine they are cathartic for some speakers.
Also there are meetings other than I/D where people can attend if they so desire which can be much less in your face.

Really I don't see rubbishing any fellowship concerned with helping people not to drink as a very good idea.

KristyCat

I think speaker meetings can be really overwhelming. At least the one I went to was for me. There were 200+ people there! And the speaker basically told her whole alcohol story and how bad it got, then said she found AA and it saved her. Not how it saved her, just that it was the answer to everything. It felt like a whole huge advertisement for AA lol.

But, that was just one meeting. The meetings I've found most helpful were those where everyone shares their thoughts and is very supportive, kind, and just more intimate/personal. I don't practice any religion and have a very...open/ambiguous idea of "God" so when they talk about God it doesn't really resonate with me. But a higher power can be anything that is greater than yourself. I feel like the basic underlying message of AA is one that teaches us to be humble, accepting of help, and kind/helpful to others. THAT is what resonates with me personally.

I don't feel "threatened" or scared off anymore by the God talk, I think because I found my own meaning in it. And once you stop focusing on fighting the parts you don't agree with, you start to notice all the many things that you DO agree with and will help you to stay sober. Like someone else said, take what you need and leave the rest. And always stay open to new ideas. So many times, something that is said at a meeting is literally JUST what you need to hear!!