I'm back... scared stiff and so anxious I'm going crazy
 

Hi all. I haven't posted here in months. Not checking in on a daily basis was a big mistake. I'm back at square one. Hopefully this time I'll remember why I want to be sober and not pick up a drink. I'm so terribly anxious that I wake up at around 3am every morning hating myself for drinking again the night before when i told myself i wouldn't. Then i stare at the ceiling and cry. I'm terrified that I will not be able to get control of myself and I'll die. My children are 3 5 and 7 and i sit here at 5am weeping at the thought of them growing up without me. It was only 3 years ago that I was fit and well and running marathons. Nobody knows my turmoil but me. I'm a closet drinker and i hide it well. My marriage is in trouble and I don't want to tell my husband in case he uses it against me if we get a divorce. I just feel so terribly lonely and distraught. I drink a bottle of wine and a few beers most nights. When I was posting here 6 months ago i felt so much better and was able to stay sober for 2 weeks then I got complacent, stopped posting and thought, well i can have just one beer. Then it was on again. I know the support that is here, I just hope and pray I will be able to do it this time.

I'm with you on Day 1 here too, Flujay. Let's get it together, for our children and ourselves.

I think lessgravity has a wondeful plan. One on one support and accountability can take you far. If you did it once YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN! Be strong, commit and overcome.

Dono

I remember those 3am wake ups, mostly because that's when the alcohol was probably just leaving my system finally for the night. You can do this if you really want to, but you must want to do it for yourself first and foremost.

Honesty with yourself is one of the cornerstones of getting sober. I know for me there was also no possible way I could have gotten sober without the support of my family, so I'm not so sure how successful you will be if you try keeping it a secret from your husband. And in all reality, if you keep drinking you'll probably eventually lose your marriage and kids anyway, drinking usually takes away everything in the end.

Don't have any kids but i'm here with you on day 1
I've been scared so badly for 5 days doing a taper.
That anxiety is horrible, the impending doom ya gonna croak, and the anxiety of what if your not going to be able live sober too.
Funny how when we are sober there are none of those anxiety's just that voice saying go on, there's happiness and joy even the occasional bad days/thoughts but nothing half as bad. Well for me the voice can royally do one!

Hey, you can get back to that place again, stick close to us and don't give up on yourself x

Welcome back flujays. I was pretty much a closet drinker myself. Nobody knew the extent of my drinking besides my SO. I drank alone. It was hard to hide from him since I drank 24/7 nonstop on the weekends. You are doing a good thing by coming back and being honest with yourself. You can do this one day at a time. Hang in there.

hey lessgravity... i know we just met, but let's make a commitment. I will not drink today! Are you ready to commit too? Say it.

[QUOTE=Serenity1972;4201794]Welcome back flujays. I was pretty much a closet drinker myself. Nobody knew the extent of my drinking besides my SO. I drank alone. It was hard to hide from him since I drank 24/7 nonstop on the weekends. You are doing a good thing by coming back and being honest with yourself. You can do this one day at a time. Hang in there.[/QUOt

thanks for the words of encouragement. Its horrible living in this hell and being constantly anxious and scared. Can you perhaps tell me how you did it? How long have you been sober? What worked for you?

I know that voice well... every time i get to a week or so without a drink, it chimes in loud and clear with 'hey you've done so well, go on, have a drink, one won't kill you'. but it is never just one. I'm trying to figure out a plan of attack here for when I start talking myself into having 'just one'. I think my plan will be checking in here and posting daily, that got me through last time. Then at the 2 week mark, instead of giving in to the voice, when it speaks I'll make a mad dash for the computer and let you all know about it so you can help me talk myself out of it.

I was a clever closet drinker, too. Welcome back. . . Why not make a commitment to drop by and spend an hour a day here for a while? Even when you feel you don't need it :)

Great to see you flujays! I do hope you'll stay with us & keep posting. Glad you came back - proud of you for reaching out and wanting to make this change.

I remember the 'I can just have one' way of thinking. Can you believe it kept me drinking for decades? I was a slow learner. I never had just one in my life! In the end no amount was enough to achieve the numbness I was looking for. What a sad & terrible waste of life. You don't need it. You can get free. :)

fluyays - I primarily use this site to help keep me sober. I also suggest googling Rational Recovery/AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique). I also use the HALT method (I ask myself if I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired). These tools have helped me tremendously in my recovery so far. I have been sober for almost 2 months which is huge for me since I drank in excess every damn weekend or holiday for the past 8 years. (I drank enough on the weekends to last me until the next weekend bender). There are many methods of recovery though. Look around and choose one that works for you. Wishing you well in sobriety.

Hi, I know that anxiety very well in fact there where times when I was going to call the ambulance for myself as it was unbearable. I would wake up in the middle of night with hallucinations sometimes I would wake up and actually run to the window to get air as I thought I was suffocating.. . I love sr but for me it's just not enough to keep me sober I have tried everything and what works for me is aa.. Good luck.

welcome back Flujays :)
do you have a plan beyond posting here regularly?

D

Hi Flujays,I am thinking of you!! What you are going through is awful..I have two boys..8 and 12..I use to drink a lot,have hideous hangovers,could barely walk them to school,I was a disgrace..the anxiety was beyond dreadful, I'd hear babies crying in the dark and church bells ringing..I was scared and exhausted, embarrassed and sick.but! I'm OK now..and you can be too...its so much easier to be sober and happier believe me..you will get there again and you will be OK..lots of love xxxxx

hi serenity, thanks for your reply. I have been trying AVRT... made a big plan and all... read the book, but i let the beast win and it shattered my confidence in avrt and now i feel like a failure and don't know whether its worth making another big plan now or waiting till i have a couple of sober weeks under my belt and then trying it again. have you made a big plan? how did it work for you? I havent been drinking every day and i don't drink in the mornings, usually after i collect the kids from school is when i start, but sometimes before. AA is not my cup of tea, its not that I don't know i need help, but i need something that is manageable and works for me. I have great confidence in SR as long as i don't let my beast stop me from getting on here if you know what i mean. I have to be vigilant in coming to SR even when i think i don't need it because that's probably when i need it most.

Hi Dee, yes, my plan is to come here every morning, every night and whenever i feel the urge to drink. Oh, and my other plan is not to drink under any circumstances, not even one drink and that way i'll stay sober today.

Welcome Back FluJays. :)

Glad you are back and glad you are pursuing a recovery program. I was directionless at first and reread RR to kick start my sober journey. But I was in rough shape, to say the least, and sought out others in recovery once I had about six months sober time under my belt. Those face-to-face encounters got me through some pretty rough patches.

So glad you are back.