Soberas

Hello, I have been sober for 14 months.

2 weeks ago I decided to leave AA which I have attended from time to time since I got sober. In my first 6 months of sobriety I probably attended 10 meetings. I moved to China to study for a year, 6 months into sobriety. I have read the big book, listened in meetings to what people say, attempted to 'work' the program, I got to step 4 I believe and lost interest. I recently spent 3 months in Central Asia alone travelling the former soviet republics and Afghanistan. I had alcohol put in my face daily (Vodka) and attended no meetings. I had no desire to drink and no desire to find a meeting. I am not saying I am cured from alcoholism, I am not, I know if I pick up 1 drink I will go on a 4 day bender. I did it for 5 years. I have never had 1 drink in my life without later blacking out. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. I called some people in the AA program out of respect. I didn't want to disappear, that would be rude and also I made very good friends in AA. The reactions to my phone calls were mixed. Some said I was in denial, a dry drunk, will go back out etc. Some were very supportive and wished me the best. Now my question is this, why in a program of recovery is there so much negativity towards someone who doesnt want to use AA to remain sober? I went into AA with an open mind, I read the whole big book, attempted the steps, listened to people and called people when I left. I have nothing against AA, I don't agree with some things- the simple answer to that is leave right? I was just a little upset from the reaction of people who I thought were my friends. Are some people really that narrow-minded to believe the only way on this planet to remain sober and happy is through the aid of Alcoholics Anonymous? I am not bitter, a dry drunk, in denial or anything else! I am a normal man who needed to meet alcoholics and share real life stories in order to give me the strength to get sober. I can't and dont want to subscribe to a spiritual program, I don't believe anything got me sober other than my own self control. I didn't find a higher power. I heard many things in AA I didn't like and it was far too patronising. I am a grown man, I don't need a medal every 365 days I don't drink. I find it interesting how AA is bulletproof treatment, if someone isn't happy or recovering the way they 'should' be, the simple scape-goat answer is 'ohhh their not working the program'...Has anyone else had a similar experience with AA and remained happy and sober without it for extended periods of time?

Thanks!

ScottFromWI

There are people in any recovery program that will not agree with your choice to leave said program. It's not inherent or unique to AA. If you feel AA is not for you, it's probably just best to move on and find a new plan to stay sober. Worrying about why some people do what they do or if they are "narrow minded" is really irrelevant to your recovery. SR is a great place to find out lots of info about many other recovery programs, check out all the subforums related to Secular methods, alternative 12 step, etc.

hellomynameis

It has been my experience that the reason most people are skeptical of your exiting the program is b/c their experience tells them that it is a hard road w/o a program of some sort to help with the ever present need....

Soberas

Yes your right! It is irrelevant to my recovery, however these 'some people' you mentioned I thought were my close friends. It seems now the only reason they were nice to me was because I perhaps helped their recovery, not because they cared for me. This of course is upsetting for me.

ScottFromWI

It can certainly be upsetting, but dwelling on it won't help you at all. They probably have very strong feelings for the program as it has worked for them. And they are probably looking out for your best interest in wanting you to stay because they feel it can help you too.

What you should concentrate on is what you plan to do now that you've gone and how to maintain your sobriety. You cannot change how others think, and worrying about it is merely a waste of your time and theirs. Have you made an decisions about what you might do now as far as a sobriety plan?

jkb

I have known people in AA who only hang out with other people in AA and then I have met others who aren't like that. If they treated you like that because you left AA I would say they weren't your friends and your better off without them.

Jess

Threshold

My mom does this, and because she is my mom...yup, hurts, stings and even feels like an insult, but I think it is common human behavior.

With my mom, I have come to see that she takes it as some sort of judgement when any of her daughters don't do a thing the way SHE did, the way SHE taught us. She thinks we are saying her way was wrong or not good enough, rather than us just having another way that suits us.

And I also thing part of it is genuine concern, she struggled in life and found ways to cope, and those might have been the only ways she found to cope, and if we don't use them she fears we will fail, etc etc, because nothing else she tried worked for her. Even though they might work for us.

And I'm nearly 50 and it's irritating and feels like she is insulting me or treating me as stupid etc when she says those things, but I think it's more to do with her than me.

I have experienced what you have in the context of recovery programs. It irritates the tar out of me, but I think it stems from similar motives. It hurts when it comes from friends.

I am glad you are doing well in your recovery.

Mentium

Good luck to you Soberas. I do go to AA, but I don't agree with the Steps or the Higher Power thing, because they are complwetely irrational and make no sense to this sceptic. I do however think that I drank for a reason and that recovery, if it is to work in my particular case, means dealing with some of those reasons. They aren't any big deal either - learning natural ways to relax and to deal with muscular tension.

I go to AA to meet others like me face to face and that is it really. Here in the UK the 'spiritual' aspect is very much optional too. Perhaps that helps.

All power to you. I wish you all the luck in the world. AA certainly isn't a monopoly!

Fandy

You're sober 14 months (congrats)! You sound very logical, courteous and compassionate, respectful of others.

You acknowledge that you cannot drink and haven't done so, you are moving forward in life. smells like recovery to me.

I hope you make friends with all kinds of people and enjoy yourself.

Nuudawn

I wouldn't judge so harshly. I think the answer to a lot of your questions is simply that ugly old thing called "fear". Folks fear for your recovery and fear for their own.

I find it interesting that the most quoted directive or commandment in the Bible (mentioned over 200 times) is "Do Not Fear".

doggonecarl

Maybe I am misreading your post, but I didn't get the idea that you were involved that deeply with AA. Ten meetings the first 6 months, and sporadic involvement after that, then you left. Yet you call some of your fellow members "close" friends. Not sure how you achived that level of closeness in such a short period of time. Perhaps these people didn't develop the same feeling of friendship. Hence your hurt feelings.

You've left the program. Not sure how you planned on maintaining those friendships. So move on, for your own mental well being and sobriety.

Also, congrats on 14 months. Perhaps SR can provide the support you got from AA.

freshstart57

Soberas, there are a lot of things there in your post that started this thread, and your observations are yours, and your explanations for what you have seen are as valid as any.

Consider this: the fact that you are asking about maintaining sobriety without AA shows that you might need the same information as your well-meaning friends. It is indeed possible and very common too. The thing is, those who just do it and don't make a big deal, they don't go to meetings, they don't mess up their lives, and we don't see them posting here.

If you want more information about how others have done this, please pay a visit to Secular Connections forum. You will find more folks happy to talk to you about their 12 step alternative sobriety experience there.

One person's experience is describedhere.

You have been sober for well over a year. Just keep doing what you are doing, Soberas. Full speed ahead! Onward!

advbike

In addition to concern on their part, there may also be some envy. They feel they have to go to meetings, work steps, etc in order to maintain their sobriety. You seem to not need to do that. Some are probably envious that you can do it. I also see people change their lives in amazing ways due to the AA program so I would never knock it and sometimes suggest people attend if it looks like it might benefit them. I even attend meetings from time to time.

However I personally don't use the 12-step program either. I don't feel I need to make amends to anybody other than an occasional apology if I am rude or short at times. I try to live in a spiritual way. Despite having a tendency to drink too much at the expense of my health, I always have put others first. Do I have things to learn? Of course, a lot. But AA is not the only way.

Outstanding job on maintaining your sobriety, and best of luck. I wouldn't worry about it, but I would remain vigilant for your sobriety.

Carlotta

I am in AA and I don't believe in the concept of "dry drunk". I know too many non alcoholics who exhibit said symptoms LOL. I also do not believe that because someone stops going to AA they will get drunk.
Do you have a good quality of life? Did you stop obsessing about alcohol? Did you accept that you can never pick up a drink again and are ok with it? Do you do things to get out of yourself such as volunteering? If yes then you are ok
I have friends who quit drinking without AA (my godfather has over 3 decades sober without any program ) and all I can say is that if your "friends" ostracize you over you leaving the program then they were not true friends to start with.

soberhawk

Concrats with the 6 months.

I do not know AA.

I would just let it go and focus on my recovery.

PaperDolls

First of all, Congratulation on 14 months of sobriety.


The short answer to this question is "Yes.". There are narrow-minded people in and out of AA; no way around it.


Just focus on you. Keep it up.

EndGameNYC

I think Nuudawn's got it right. Again.

Leaving the herd is often processed as a threat to others' safety, in this case, sobriety. Whenever someone breaks away from the group, it causes those who remain to question and sometimes doubt their own membership and what it means to them.

If your sobriety is solid, you just move on with your life, regardless of what anyone else does with theirs. I've learned that this dynamic applies to most things in life.

If, as Carl commented, you weren't deeply committed to your participation in AA, the people you called may have been surprised that you assumed a stronger relationship than was the case for them. And stopping at the fourth step is a pretty big moment to decide to leave.

If you're going to use a 12-step program of recovery without working the 12 steps, while still believing that you've nurtured strong contacts among those who remain, you're at the very least sending out mixed messages.

Dee74

Hi soberas

I've spent a lot of time wishing my past was different and that people had reacted differently.

It's pretty much a wasted effort.

You seem like an intelligent guy - I know why you're upset but I'm sure, whether you find it justified or not, you can understand why your AA friends are upset too.

Maybe it's time to let this go?

It's your recovery. Live well, be happy, stay sober and find support.

Keep moving forward

D

wakko

I tend to worry when people leave for two reasons. One is I now have experienced people I knew who left the program that died. Two is I have heard first hand from more people than I can count say they left the program and eventually drank. When they came back they had screwed up their lives bigtime.

Im sure some make it too but experience shows me that many do not.

ProgressNotPerfection

Congratulations!

You said you "attempted the steps" - I'm confused?

I think this was really cool of you to do! Kudos!

A reflection of their own fears, no? As you have discovered on your worldly travels, there is no big bottle in the sky waiting to tip over and get us drunk, is there?

Call the ones back that were cool and respectful, invite them out to dinner as a group or one by one and tell them of your travels! Living a "normal" life is the goal of the program and you seem happy to just that. It might be good for them to see that it is okay to be "normal".

Because we see people die all the time that leave the meetings and start drinking again. They like you and don't want to see that happen to you, that's my guess.

And so these things added to your new found sense of control added up to you being able to make different decisions about your compulsion. Great!

AA has the best track record. Is in not fair to say you are able to "remain sober and happy ... through the aid of A.A." that you received? Other things work for other people and people in A.A. tend to get religion about it.

And if you start having some life-issues that throw you for a loop, hit the tables again for a while and the message boards, etc. Perfectly valid because it works for you.

You have found your own spiritual way of moving through life. It isn't religious, okay. Your own self control and what you learned from others, by your own admission, added up to change that keeps you sober and that is fine. Be okay with your solution - it is valid today. Be okay with their solution as well - it works for them and is valid today.

I started going to AA in 1984. Been sober since. When I hit 18 years clean and sober, I was done with meetings, with the a@@holes, with the "get with god" crap and all the stuff I couldn't use. I was tired of the whinners and stopped going to meetings. Then, about three years ago (25 years sober) i started having issues with life - father died, mother dying, unemployment, family falling apart -- and while I still did not have the desire to drink (haven't had a desire to drink since august 85), I was angry and resentful, pissed off all the time and just ugly from the pain of it all. So I started going back.

I find lots of things there that help me maintain my --< emotional >-- sobriety at this time and it works for me.

I love it when I hear "You have to get down on your knees...." -- I haven't done that in my sobriety unless I was sick and puking, just like when I was drunk.....

Enjoy your freedom. Enjoy your happiness. Never forget where you came from and if you start to think you can control it, go back to AA and take a look at those that have continued to drink since you stopped and ask yourself "Do I want to trade what I have for what THEY have?"

Peace in your heart!