klynn39

So its me. Klynn. Kris. Whichever I was known as before. If you know you're better than me, cause I can't remember and had to start a new profile.

I was doing so good. Like really, really good. Not so much anymore.
I can't get it right.
I mean, how many tries do you need.....not this many, I've been on this site off and on for years and know many who have done it...I can't seem to get there.
Although I love this site, the thought of staying on the newcomer thread forever isn't all that appealing to me.

So as much as whining bothers me, that's what I'm doing. I truly despise myself at this moment. And however i got to that good place before, I hope I can do it again. But I gotta tell ya, the starting this stuff over and over and over and over is starting to get old........

klynn39

finally found my other username..klynn33. it's now klynn39. which means it's been 6 years since I signed up here and started this road.
seems I'm not much further along. even after the years of doing good...I've gone full circle.
well. how freaking lovely.....

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Klynn. As long as you are here, that means you are trying, right?

klynn39

guess an E for effort is in order if nothing else. positive thinking, right?

Dee74

Welcome back Kris

I think, in a sense, what we've done before doesn't matter nearly as much as what we do now.

I had 15 years pfaffing about, dabbling in recovery - then I made the leap, for good.

It's the latter bit that counts

A good support group here is a good start - but if you know you need more than SR, I guess now's the time to start thinking what that 'more' might look like?

D

BarbieKen

Besides SR do you have any other support system in place? I come here every evening myself, it absolutely is part of my program of Recovery. I also need one on one contact with other alcoholics/addicts. I choose AA. I isolated with my drinking in my kitchen for the last 12 years. Does your community offer help for alcoholics? 6 years of just going round & round?
I'm sure others will be along to offer ideas. Welcome back. I'm pretty new here, was a lurker, but came out in April. Bobbi

neferkamichael

Klynn39, , just never give up and you'll do it. Rootin for ya.

klynn39

no other support system. no going to meetings, I'm sure they have them around here, but since I'm not much of a 'going places myself' kinda person that's unlikely to happen.
I've done well on here before. It gave me people to talk to, who understood, and an outlet. My problem is I keep leaving. This time....I will make more of an effort to stick around.

Dee74

I think success in recovery is all about doing what it takes K - if you find you're falling short it makes sense - to me - to look for more strings to add to your bow ....

whether thats recovery programmes, or counselling or some kind of inpatient or outpatient rehab - or something else entirely - is up to you

But do give it all you have - you deserve a change

D

longbeachone

Hi Klynn, Welcome back! As extra motivation to make this the last time do some research on "kindling". It might make you more determined to make this the last time you get sober.

klynn39

Thought I could go back to work today, wrong. I got up and ready and then just couldn't walk out the door. I hate this wanting isolation and feeling 'sick' - which worsens when I think about leaving the house. Have to go back tomorrow, it's been 3 days and I can't pull the 'I've got the flu' card much longer.

This.
totally.
sucks.

Tomorrow is it though. Back to work and back to seeing everyone acting as if everything is fine, my life couldn't be better and no one having any idea anything is wrong. As if........

roomsforall

I have recently found my way back into recovery. What matters is that you are here!

I've been feeling overwhelmed by the sense that I am not getting it right. So afraid of being "messy" in recovery. It really matters more than anything simply to NOT drink right now, today.

Nuudawn

Well, I truly believe that is a big part of our problem. I think it is the wallowing in our self loathing and judgement that helps to necessitate the drink. Shortly before I gave up the drink, when belittling myself for the "crutches" I fell for like alcohol and cigarettes, someone very dear to me said "crutches are things we turn to when we cannot walk on our own". It was an incredibly loving thing to say and one that helped me not hate myself so much.

Long, long ago I guess I found some respite in the vices I turned to...but eventually, they became a prison I wanted out of. You want out Kris...and that's noble and self-saving. Instead of kicking yourself over the past, take a deep breath, stand up and fight again.

I applaud you

Hevyn

Welcome back Kris! It's great to see you again.

It sounds like you're ready to do this & I hope it'll help to share the journey with us. You're never alone.

lorelei

Lovely to meet you kk x

PippoRossi

Klynn - Welcome back! Don't be so hard on yourself, sweetheart. What matters is that you are here NOW.

hayley86

Welcome back Klynn, glad you are here.

AlefVavResh

Welcome back. Just worry about the next 24 hours. Never mind the six years. Good news is you're making a commitment to stop now rather than 20 years from now.

klynn39

nice to see you too Hevyn ) and hi / thanks to everyone else.

Today is 3 days off so the worst of it is over. I go through this stage everytime I quit - that I can't do it, that I really dislike myself, my life is horrible.
Truth is, I CAN do it, I'm not perfect but I could be worse, and my life is pretty good if I look at the big picture. I'll get over it and keep trucking on....and hopefully soon will start seeing the positives again. I'm just going to have to jump some hurdles in the next couple weeks to get things back on track, and with some luck and a lot of work, stay on that track.

I truly love it here though. And am glad to be back. ((hugs))

flujays

welcome back KK, I've just come back to sr today too. woke up at 3am and was a crying mess full of self hatred... so i jumped on this board and started to feel better almost instantly. Try not to focus on your failures, that's what I'm doing. I could really make myself sick thinking about everything that's wrong with me as a person. Instead, you and me both need to think about the fact that we're back here, trying to make it right. Maybe if we try hard enough and support each other, we might just get it right this time... it's called HOPE and it's here. Hugs to you.