mytimeforchange

I am sure there is a thread out there. But i wanted to know your personal (not a books) thoughts on dating? Yes, being sober a few days, bottles lying around, divorced, some legal ,hurdles, etc is certainly not going to do my any favors....but at what point in your sobriety did you feel comfortable dating? Don't want to fall in the lonely trap......but take care of me time trap.....hard.

Amajorityofone

Friend,

Sorry, but "bottles laying around" jumped out like a bat out of hell. Don't you think you should be concentrating your energies on getting rid of those first?

Just saying...

mytimeforchange

LOL, of course. I just wondered does 4-5-6 months of sobriety come to play. My comment was a little tongue in cheek, sorry,,,

hypochondriac

Personally I have avoided it like the plague. Too much upheaval and not enough I know about me yet. And I am 18 months sober. I have had one date in that time. I decided to ignore that side of things and it has been really positive. Loneliness has nothing to do with being in a relationship, and addicts tend to latch on to something external to themselves to meet their needs so really it is best to tackle that problem before messing someone else around, tis only fair

wakko

I have seen some very messy things happen to people who tried relationships before they were very solid in their recovery. The time factor is dependent on a persons recovery. When you can take of yourself you may be able to take care of a person.

Dee74

I needed to fix myself and my own life first before I put myself into anyone else's life.

I was a red hot mess. I'd never spent anytime with myself - I'd always been terrified to.

I got to know myself, got to be comfortable with myself, worked on ymself and my recovery - I wanted to know who sober me was before I got involved with anyone else.

I don't think there's any harm at all in waiting - early recovery is hard enough.

D

RobbyRobot

Time has something to do with it of course, but really, its so much more important to have made some real differences in YOU and your new lifestyle before seriously dating. Like D already said, getting to know ourselves is uber important. Nothing does that like living with ourselves or even with others but not a significant other as we get life figured out a bit more.

cleansoberSean

No matter what, you need to be a complete person, comfortable, and on steady ground before even attempting to get into a relationship. Everyone has baggage, but you can't get into something if you're not right with yourself. I tried to while I was trying to stop drinking (before I admitted I had a problem) and all I found was a couple months of being with a drinking partner I occasionally slept with. It was a waste of both our time.

EndGameNYC

As I've written before, when this and other similar issues came up at an AA meeting I was attending, one of the guys described dating in early sobriety and AA's mythical Thirteenth Step in this way: "My life is unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone."

Taking5

Just to clarify, there is nothing in AAs big book that even begins to address this. The "no dating for X period of time" thing comes from the rehab industry. That being said, this does not mean that this idea has no merit.

Lionhearted1

So how come you have to wait to be in a relationship if your single but if your already in a relationship/married it's ok... I mean if that logic is correct that means anyone in early recovery should divorce or separate straightaway.... Just wondering seems a bit double standard to me???

EndGameNYC

The suggestion is to not make any major changes during the first year. It's not a rule or a law, just a suggestion.

Lionhearted1

That makes sense now. :-)

Spinach

It is one of the most problematic areas , as you often have a codependent or another problem drinker or it can be helpful for support as in my case, but it still causes problems as sometimes you need to talk with someone who really understands what's going on right now and they feel left out.
John.

suki44883

Well, let's see...July marked five years sober for me, and I'm still not interested in dating. But, that's just me.

Mountainmanbob

Recovery is hard work that requires a full-time commitment. Returning to daily life without the security of being able to use drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism can be terrifying, particularly when alcohol or drug cravings and triggers to use or drink set in. When people stop drinking and or using and start dating right away, they run the risk of seeking comfort in relationships instead drinking and or drugs.

“Love addiction becomes a concern when infatuation replaces the ‘high’ of drug or alcohol use,” . “Whether the object of the addiction is drinking and or drugs or an unhealthy attachment to another person, the individual is searching for something outside themselves to fill the emotional void within.”

The “rush” of a new relationship can be emotionally damaging and can derail even the most valiant recovery effort. In most cases, individuals who can’t refrain from having a relationship in the first year of recovery are missing an opportunity to address the core issues underlying their addictions. They may have other mental health issues, compulsions and cross-addictions that need to be addressed as well, before they can truly focus on a relationship.

Hollyanne

It is a fantastic idea to date in early sobriety!
I dated at 6 months.
My peeps told me wait.
I had waited all my life!
I was going at it all guns ablazing.
It mattered not, that he was nuttier than a pecan pie!
I was going to get me some love!
I had so much love!
I moved in with him after 3 months.
I was sleeping on my own after about a week.
It turned out he just liked my stuff and I am a strong girl so I was super handy for those DIY projects!
I moved out with my PJs and toothbrush after 3 months of lunacy.
I was back on my own scalded and exhausted and horrified and haven't gone near anyone since.
I didn't drink though so why it is fantastic, is, if you can survive what I survived after 6 months, you are solid!!!!!!!!!

Said with love!!!
And tongue firmly in cheek!

digdug

I have a bad tendency to jump into relationships way to quickly and seriously. I go from woman to woman, relationship to relationship, all looking for some kind of self validation.

So accordingly, at the suggestion of my sponsor, I am not dating for a year.

I know that if I got into a relationship now, it would become my top priority, not my sobriety.

But to each his own.

Sobersunshine

I broke up with my bf of one year a couple months after I got sober. He was very supportive of my sobriety, but turns out drinking was a big part of our relationship and a big part of his social life so it just wasn't going to work. we're still friends so thats good.

Sometimes I miss being with someone, but a year sober I still don't feel ready to date. I still have a lot of work to do on myself first.

ZeldaFan

I'm only 23 days in and have no intensions of dating any time soon. Right now I feel far more comfortable focusing on my sobriety. As others have said, once I feel comfortable and confident in who I am then and only then will I start dating again.