Lyingdog

I needed to stumble onto this thread.

I have went from "I will wait a long long time before I dare again" to... "Wow that girl is hot and I would love to get to know her" within a few weeks.
I am very recently divorced (not my choice) and I am sure loneliness has a lot to do with it.

mytimeforchange

Ya, loneliness fueled the question.......you're not Lying!

LadyinBC

I am at 14 months and I have no desire to date anytime soon. I have enough baggage of my own to work thru least of all adding someone else to the mix.

For my own sanity I have to worry about me and my recovery. For once it is time for me to be selfish for me and my sobriety is that important to me.

MartyTheDrunk

Ah man tough situation same thing I'm trying figure out I don't think I've ever been on a first date where I didn't drink a pint on the ride to pick her up. Every girl I've hooked up with or dated was either from at a party, college, or a bar. Prob start off with escorts before I get back in the game. I prefer the freaks and sobriety kinda puts the nail in that coffin

BikerAcct

(tongue in cheek reply to follow)

No major changes in your first year?

Man, really? They should have told that my old job, who fired me. My dog, who died and my car, which broke down.

Nope, my life has been smooth sailing since I quit. Good thing I'm not dating too!

BikerAcct

I'm about 5 years out of a long term relationship. I've been living alone, or was caring for my mother, during that entire time. I haven't had but one or two dates during that time.

I know I'm only coming up on 6mos. sober, but I'm really missing companionship at this point and think it's about time I started dating again myself. I am concerned about it, especially finding someone who will date a non-drinker. I know back in my drinking days, if someone told me they were a non drinker, or listed that on their profile, I wouldn't give them the time of day. Silly I know, but true.

mytimeforchange

Non dinker is one of my worries, multi DUI, 15 yr divorce from drunkenness, 2 kids.......i guess i would have to find almost a similar person...i have no clue.....feel unmarketable...some of these things just don't go away in any respectable amount of time (my fault, yes)...and the stigma

ctrl

Recovery, at least for me, is a very selfish process. I spend lots of time on me.

If you have a loving and supporting spouse, which I do, then they can help. However, trying to meet someone else and build a relationship is tough when there is this "side job" of recovery.

Biker- I find that sobriety and the joy you find in other things is way more of a positive than you think. I think most people place much less emphasis on drinking than we do.

Joe Nerv

I met and got involved with a girl when on weekend break from the rehab I was in. She rang my doorbell (was living with my parents at the time) looking for my younger brother, and broke down crying when I told her he wasn't home. She had some heavy duty issues going on, but was drop dead beautiful... and yeah... I invited her in. I was a little less than 2 months sober.

What followed were some incredible highs, but many many more horrible lows. I stayed stuck in a painful and agonizing relationship with that girl for 2 years.

In some ways I'm thankful for it, and can't honestly say I wouldn't do it again if given the chance, but the only reason I think I survived those 2 years without picking up a drink was because of my commitment to AA and recovery. Getting involved in a relationship was pretty much the ONLY thing I did that went against suggestion. I dove into AA, the steps, the bigbook, therapy, and any/every other recovery tool I could find. The pain I was in with my own issues, plus my determination not to drink no matter what, was a big motivator. Hmmm... ya know, I just realizing this as I type... I think that girl may have actually been to me like a drug I needed to pad my way in the beginning. She was definitely as already mentioned, a high. I'll have to think a little more on that. Regardless...

Fast forward, I'm happily married to a woman who is light years away from the girl I met in early sobriety. Had I married her (which I would have if given the opportunity), I can't imagine myself still sober. Or even alive for that matter. My relationship with her was not healthy, in any sense of the word. But I didn't drink.

Not sure what my point is here , just sharing my experience. I guess the bottom line is that I agree with everyone else. Relationships in early sobriety are dangerous. And a positive outcome seems unlikely, as far as the relationship goes. IMO, we don't have a clue who we are, and need to learn to love ourselves before loving anyone else. What's more important than any of that though is our commitment to ourselves and our sobriety. If you're open to a lot of pain and heartache, and want to add that to your early sobriety than I say dive in... if you want to take a more sensible route and spare yourself lots of unneccesary suffering, I like the idea of having a year sober before inviting others into our world.

Das my experience anyhow.

Oldselfagain

I think it all depends on the situation. How one is feeling in early sobriety as well as how the potential "datee" may impact that sobriety. If the "datee" is a real firecracker and potential drama queen (or king), best to avoid emotional rollercoasters. Nothing is more important than sobriety. If a situation puts that sobriety at risk, best to avoid.

wakko

I was married when I sobered up. Looking back on it I think it may have been easier to have been single. Not only do you have to recover you have to deal with the dynamics of the relatiomship. There was a ton of other things that needed to be fixed besides me

tomsteve

it was disasterous here. I only attracted someone as sick as me.

Yankee73

That bears repeating in all capital letters. If you do date, proceed with caution. You may be so focused on sobriety that you miss red flags about the other person.

Years ago in the first two weeks of sobriety, I met a guy who told me he didn't drink. My head was so messed up, I thought it was fate stepping in to unite me with another sober person. Things he said/did didn't add up, but I was so focused on sobriety and meetings and all that, I didn't really pay attention to the warning signs. Luckily, it only took a couple of weeks for me to smarten up.

I went to pick him up and he reeked of beer, denied he had been drinking, asked me to loan him money AND drive him to the liquor store.... YIKES... I later found out that he was homeless, jobless, no vehicle and some serious legal issues...

The point of this exciting story is that I was really in no emotionally sound place to be dating, even though my material world was cool. I attracted someone who had nothing and was trying to glom onto me like sticky goo. Had loneliness not played a part, I wouldn't have had a second date with that nutjob. You need to work on yourself, as corny as that sounds.

360shoes

Hi Ryan,
Great job stopping the drinking. It was getting us nowhere fast! Really, good job.

If I were in a place where I needed to take care of my stuff first, I'd put most of my effort there for awhile. If you put a lot of effort and passion into that, it won't take forever. You really can turn a life around in a positive direction pretty quickly if you do. Just my experience. But I'm single too so I had the time to put into it.

It's a lot of work and it takes doing things you aren't comfortable with and insight and hard work and a positive attitude and an optimistic view along with gratefulness. A lot of work. I wasn't any of those when I drank.

I get not wanting to be lonely. I get its not the same thing as be okay being alone. I'm just fine alone. I just would like to have someone someday be in my life. Nothing wrong with knowing what you want.

Start with friends. All the good relationships start that way anyway. And be an adult. Dating ain't the same thing as a relationship. Dating is just doing things with someone. Relationships come when you start having conversations about love and futures. And I don't have to tell anyone that sex will complicate anyone's dating so again, be an adult.

You will know when you have a good head on your shoulders and can handle it. Meanwhile, enjoy becoming the person someone would love to have in their life. It's a fabulous journey doing that. You get what you can give.

Good job getting that house and your life cleaned up! Now keep working on you. For now stick with positive friends and do fun stuff with them. If you don't have any positive friends that know how to have fun without drinking themselves silly. Start there. You need those before you need a date. Plus, that's how you will meet the person you deserve anyway.

You asked so I just shared my opinion. That's all it is.

Mountainmanbob

good point made shoes
I chased many in recovery
always thinking that I had to have one ASAP
feel kind of in love many times with so called sober ones
only to have my heart broken (broken hearts are hard on our recovery)

it wasn't until I decided to be alone with myself and pray for the right one
God ((if)) you have one for me that would be great
if not I will be ok with you and me God
it wasn't easy as the flesh cry's out for opposite sex companionship
in God's timing God sent me just the right one
a normie who only drinks an (occasional) one glass of wine
and she loves God as much as I do and (she makes good moral decision's)

if we are wasting time with the wrong one
the right one may just pass by
moral ladies do not chase men in relationships

be sober
be open
be free
be ready for the right one if and when they appear

Mountainman

Carlotta

My first time around in sobriety I disregarded the suggestion not to get involved for the first year. It was a disaster which ended up with me going to Al Anon. Like Tomsteve says:"Two sickies do not make a wellie". I stayed sober but went through hell.
This time around, I am taking the first year for myself. This is my year to focus on my recovery from alcoholism. With 12 years in Al Anon under my belt, I might be able to go out and date but I chose not to (plus I really don't have time).
Anyway what do you have to offer right now? Chances are that being in early recovery et al, all you will attract is another alcoholic/addict or a codie. "Two sickies do not make a wellie"

EndGameNYC

I hear ya, Biker.

I think part of the idea is that life is going to come at us no matter what we do, so why add to the chaos?

EndGameNYC

And he referred to black plastic bags as "luggage."

Don't mean to make light here, Yankee (well, at least not completely), but that's a great story.

Yankee73

Oh, EndGame, I can now look back at it and not only laugh, but count my lucky stars that as messed up as my head was, I still had a functioning brain in there somewhere and used it.

I also think that he preyed upon me because I was newly sober and on a pink cloud.
Happy Fluffy Bunnies + Vulnerable + Lonely= Loser Magnet

EndGameNYC

Love it!