Triggered but not going to cave
 

Yesterday was an awful day!!!! After starting out the day happy and positive, things made a turn for the worse. My boyfriend who said he was going to be here to support me was a total jack a$$ all day. I won't go into details but I was walking on eggshells all day.

This morning didn't start out any better. His alarm didn't go off on his phone at 5:30 and he overslept. He blamed me for it not going off. I have nothing to do with setting his alarm, so how could it be my fault?

I carried on with my normal routine, got up, started the coffee, set his clothes out for him, asked him to get up when the coffee was ready, filled his cooler... He did apologize but I am tired of this behavior,

There are other triggers as well. I surrendered my car yesterday and they will be picking it up in the next couple of days. Before he moved here he said to please give him a chance, that he would pay my bills and I would take care of things around the home. He told me the other day however that he feels like he is being used, so I am surrendering my car trying to prove that I am not using him. I have never used anyone.

It is going to take a lot of will power and my faith in God today to not drink. I told him if it is so hard for him to support me that at least I have others to support me, and I really do find that support here.

Sorry, TM :hug: I don't have any great advice, but I care about you and am always interested in your situation. Just think through all the consequences if you were to drink. It wouldn't help, it would only hurt, and you both would be worse for it. That's the truth of it. Please stick close here today to get the support you need. XO

Life is not conspiring to make you drink. Life is just life...most times good, often rotten. You are going through a tough stage. Stay strong, don't drink.

Oh yeah, and welcome to the roller coaster of early recovery.

I don't know what to say, TM. It sounds like there are resentments in the relationship and that's not a good thing.

I'm glad you are not drinking. The most important thing is your recovery.

Just received a phone call saying that they were coming to take my car at 1:30 today. I feel sick!

Maybe just concentrate on you for now.Let your bf take care of himself. You are getting sober for you,only you can do it. It's great if we have support but if not,we can still do it.

It's hard in relationships when there is financial dependence and control over the other party. it does sound as though there are resentments.

Dear Toomutch, early sobriety is hard. It will get easier as your body heals. Sobertime is key. We are here for you. Keep going friend. As you get stronger, you can improve your situation. Love and hugs.

Be strong toomutch xx

I'm sorry you're having such a rough day but glad you won't give in to the temptation to drink.

Why do you have to surrender your car? And how will you get where you need to go without it? Is your bf going to take you to the store and such?

I hope your day improves. :hug:

I have to ask this. In previous posts you talked about your husband controlling you to the point of doing the shopping so you couldn't leave the house. Is it possible that you could be going down the path to another abusive relationship? Putting together all the things I've read over the last month, I'm starting to be concerned.

Have you ever looked at the "cycle of abuse" chart?

And what is "surrendering your car" mean? A repossession? Do you have any other means of transportation?

I hesitate to say this, but...I truly hope that you do not make yourself totally dependent on this man. That is never a good idea, even if he does have your best interests in mind.

I also don't understand why you are surrendering your car.

A tough time. But a thought - if finance is an issue, remember how much one saves not buying booze! It soon mounts up!

Surrendering the car means giving it back to the bank because I owe on it more than it's worth. My boyfriend bought a Nissan Xterra yesterday that I will be driving. Of course it's in his name, I have nothing of my own anymore.

Rough deals there. Good job handling it without booze. Think about problems, make some lists of potential ways to solve them, but dont obsess. You can do this!

That sucks.... I have been in that situation and it is not good for a relationship. Your sobriety needs to be your first priority right now but, can I just ask why didn't he make your car payment without the drama if that is what he agreed on? Being used? I mean come on....

I am the queen of dysfunctional relationships. IMO be careful with this one

All proceeds from being sober, TM. Not just physically sober, but emotionally and spiritually as well. It is said, and I agree, that our emotional development stops when we are using. Many of us, even those of us who are high achievers, are still emotional adolescents. Only in my sobriety am I able to look back at decisions I made that I swear were made by someone else.

Please be careful in your relationship. We can lose ourselves, our dignity, and our freedom to make wise choices when we are more needy than wise.

I than god for my sponsor and the fellowship, for they want nothing from me and everything for me.

Namaste,

Warren

Even when alcohol isn't involved, long-distance and Internet relationships tend to be much more intense than face-to-face relationships, if only because we automatically use imagination and fantasy to fill in all the faraway blanks. Until we meet. When we experience the reality of living with a real person with all their 3D flaws, reality can hit us like a ton of bricks. Anyone can be nice, caring and compassionate from a distance. It's what we do and what we feel when we share our lives with someone that defines the relationship.

Not liking it. None of my business, really, but this just makes me feel creepy all over. jmho.

Hi Toomutch, I have been reading your recent posts and really feel an affinity with you in many ways even though I have had far less experience with sobriety than you. I think you are very brave and strong to be confronting your relapse as quickly as you are and reaching out for help as you have.

I must admit, though, when I read this post, I shuddered. Simply because I did something very, very similar in the past and it did not work out at all for me. I met someone in a bar and after a very short time, moved in with him despite my better instincts and the advice of friends and family. I was still drinking then but actively trying to stop. I asked for his help and support, which he initially gave, but as I struggled, he began to use each slip and each admission of weakness and fear on my part to gain control. He would *say* he was supportive but after more and more time passed, he slowly became more derogatory, controlling, and, eventually, downright nasty towards me. Mind you, I didn't help matters by getting drunk and careening between being angry and playing the victim myself.

However, he also managed to get me to turn over a lot of my possessions and financial responsibilities to him. In the end, I was left with nothing and totally reliant on this individual who was "helping me."

I managed to leave but not after having lost basically everything I owned and being in a position of extreme dependence that made me think I couldn't ever leave...it was horrible and the first and, I hope, the last time I ever get in a situation like that again.

I couldn't really see it when I was going through it but when I read your post, it immediately reminded me of how my ex started to behave after a little while.

DO NOT hand over your control to this man. I am not saying he is like my ex but he should be doing everything to help you right now, including supporting you in maintaining your independence in this relationship. Passive-aggressive behavior and encouraging you to rely on him is not, to my mind, a good method of support. Yes, you have to own your part in getting drunk and attacking him but no matter what (no matter what!), you should not be handing over control to him. Of you or your finances. I get the repossession thing but just be careful...very careful.

I'm sorry if I overstepped a little---or more than a little-- in this post but I really want to see you succeed here and stay sober.

Big hugs and lots of good wishes to you tonight!

Great stuff, Ptcapote.