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Started drinking again

Old 09-24-2013, 09:23 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I've been drinking again for the past two weeks - only on weekends - as if that makes it all better right? HA.

I really want to stop drinking but on the other hand I can't fathom it being for the rest of my life. I've done so many stupid and dangerous things when drinking and so I do not have an excuse for starting to drink again. I guess I keep thinking I can control it. HA like that ever works right? I once had three months and felt really good about myself and I a big part of me wants that back. But I am also disappointed in a how certain parts of my life have not turned out how I wanted them to be at this point in my life (mid-thirties) and drinking just helps me forget this huge personal disappointment. I know, the rational logical part of me know the drinking doesn't help at all.

Ugh, I hate this love-hate relationship I have with myself and drinking. I know I need to be and stay strong. This is my day 3.
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Old 09-24-2013, 09:27 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by RobbyRobot View Post
I'm not thinking you want me to define apathy the word, so what I mean is sometimes we can think about all that is good and all that is painful and just kinda zero out the balance sheet and just continue with whatever seems to suit us best at those moments - and if your life is relatively unchanged from when you were drinking, then things can become apathetic in experience and this can make drinking seem like just another thing to do more then what may be obvious to the person about to take that drink.

For me, real differences exist with my internally experiencing what I believe is a good life, and what my external reality provides for me. More than once I've had to re-examine my ideas with some reality checks.
I appreciate this line of thought. When you speak of differences between what you experience internally and what external reality provides for you - what do you mean?
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Old 09-24-2013, 09:37 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
I appreciate this line of thought. When you speak of differences between what you experience internally and what external reality provides for you - what do you mean?
Less - if I might be so bold, perhaps things aren't as complicated as they might seem. Maybe you should start with the obvious - like which recovery methods you are using and whether or not they are working. Are you still practicing AVRT? Have you ever tried NA or AA? Have you seen a alcohol/drug counselor or a mental health professional?

It's very easy to overthink this.
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Old 09-24-2013, 09:46 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Less - if I might be so bold, perhaps things aren't as complicated as they might seem. Maybe you should start with the obvious - like which recovery methods you are using and whether or not they are working. Are you still practicing AVRT? Have you ever tried NA or AA? Have you seen a alcohol/drug counselor or a mental health professional?

It's very easy to overthink this.
I suppose you could say I was/am using AVRT, though picking up the drink again belies that.

I've tried AA.

Never been to a counselor.

In a way it feels like that first drink, after 30+ days, flipped a switch in my head, you know?
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Old 09-24-2013, 09:57 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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It really sounds like you were lied to. It sounds like some one convinced you that the end result of drinking would be pleasurable, but it sounds like that is not in fact the case.

I know if I drank the immediate effect would be pleasurable, but I also know that unless I maintained that alcohol content in my bloodstream the physical pleasure would diminish and psychological displeasure would replace it. So given what I know, for me, I can't drink because I would not be able to handle not drinking after I started. That may be hyperbolic , but in essence that is the crux of it.
wish you well
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Old 09-24-2013, 10:00 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
I appreciate this line of thought. When you speak of differences between what you experience internally and what external reality provides for you - what do you mean?
Reality is a dynamic process of continous moments of experiences and we internally sort through and manage those moments in different measures of value relative to how we think and feel about ourselves all at the same time.

So, sometimes something means something else depending on whatever - for instance a vacation means more potentially if we enjoyed our last vacation - we anticipate a better time - and ice cream tastes "better" if we feel comforted by it - and a good friend is more trusted if we have something to lose by them breaking our trust - and quitting drinking is easier if drinking is harder - and life is great if...

Expectations and anticipations create excitement and excitement invites us to want to be satisfied and satisfaction creates well-being and allows us to appreciate ourselves all the more. When these kind of experiences are unfortuanately entrenched and internalised although externally our lives don't match up and our ducks are all over the place; it can be very attractive to just let it slide into having another drink so as to more easily cling to our subjective selves. Its not like taking that drink is harmful at that moment to that drinker - its more like it just dosen't make enough real-time sense to say no to that drink - even though there may exist a strong no to the idea that drinking is okay - just for now, drinking is better, and quitting just gets moved into the future.

Anyways.

I've tried to keep my answer brief - there are many windows opened to examine within ourselves when we take a look at ourselves as we are internally measured against how effectively we deal with the external world of our lives.
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Old 09-24-2013, 10:04 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
I suppose you could say I was/am using AVRT, though picking up the drink again belies that.

I've tried AA.

Never been to a counselor.

In a way it feels like that first drink, after 30+ days, flipped a switch in my head, you know?
That's exactly the problem - the fist drink does flip a switch. Which in turn reinforces the importance of having a sobriety plan that works for you to keep from picking up the first drink

So either you are not following your plan vigilantly enough, or the plan/method you are using isn't suitable. I am not judging you on either ground, but to troubleshoot what is happening you need to look at it logically. Those would be the 2 places I would concentrate my efforts if I were in your situation.
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Old 09-24-2013, 10:18 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I suppose you could say I was/am using AVRT, though picking up the drink again belies that. -Quote Lessgravity

You can still be using AVRT it just messes with your BP and right now it sounds like your beast is having a field day with your relapse.
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Old 09-24-2013, 10:40 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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sorry to hear that LG. You've not lost those days though-you can learn from them and see what you need to do differently next time so you don't pick up. I can relate as relapsed at 6 weeks, but I carried on drinkign for weeks. Good on you for coming back so soon.Don't beat yourself up,jump back on the horse-you CAN do this
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Old 09-24-2013, 01:09 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
That's exactly the problem - the fist drink does flip a switch. Which in turn reinforces the importance of having a sobriety plan that works for you to keep from picking up the first drink
Amen.
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Old 09-24-2013, 01:18 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Lessgravity - You're not lost & you're never alone. Being here means you haven't given up. That's all that matters.
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Old 09-24-2013, 01:44 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I'm sorry to read this less.
I don't think you start from square one either

There is something wrong tho, yeah?

you know why you're here and what you want, at least on some level - and yet you keep going back to drinking.

Even worse, you can't find a reason to pin it on.

Thats scary stuff.


I drank like that many times - for lack of better words, I drank for something to do - I knew I could have fought back, I knew I could have done other things...but I didn't.

I chose the line of least resistance. I chose to go with the flow, even tho that flow was self destruction.

I think thats the apathy that Rob alluded to.

I think,more than what recovery model you're going to use, you need to decide if you're going to fight this thing or not, less.

D

Last edited by Dee74; 09-24-2013 at 02:18 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 09-24-2013, 02:03 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I'm sorry to read this less.
I don't think you start from square one either

There is something wrong tho, yeah?

you know why you're here and what you want, at least on some level - and yet you keep going back to drinking.

Even worse, you can find a reason to pin it on.

Thats scary stuff.


I drank like that many times - for lack of better words, I drank for something to do - I knew I could have fought back, I knew I could have done other things...but I didn't.

I chose the line of least resistance. I chose to go with the flow, even tho that flow was self destruction.

I think thats the apathy that Rob alluded to.

I think,more than what recovery model you're going to use, you need to decide if you're going to fight this thing or not, less.

D
Thank you Dee. Can you describe what you mean by the fact that I found "a reason to pin it to"?
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Old 09-24-2013, 02:18 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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typo - that should have been can not find a reason to pin it to

D
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Old 09-24-2013, 02:21 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
There's not a lot to discuss, right? I just gave in to the Beast, let my AV speak for me, bought a bottle and drank it. Then I did it again.

There was a person I felt myself becoming that seems to have left the building.

I don't want to start again, from square one. But that's where I've put myself.
Hey..few people learn to drive, without stalling the engine a few times..but we get there in the end right?
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Old 09-24-2013, 03:24 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
Thank you everyone, this site is really an amazing place.

I wish I could say that there is something to learn from this return to the poison. The truth is that nothing at all in particular triggered it. I was home, I ordered wine and I drank it. I didn't even like the taste. Then I did again over the weekend, with my wife, who has been sober with me. I did again last night, and she had a glass herself.

The meditation that I'd been practicing twice daily, really comitted to it, has gone out the window. My anxiety and procrastination at work came right back with the hangovers.

I'm not sure what to do. Tired and lost.
It took me months to figure out why I slipped. I think there is always a reason. It will come to you later. Like others have said this doesn't undo all the work you have done. Keep going there Less.
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Old 09-24-2013, 03:35 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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You can use this as a learning experience. Guilt and shame just take us back to drinking. I have relapsed but I am not giving up on myself, I hope you feel better!
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Old 09-24-2013, 04:38 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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I like the practical, don't over think it approaches. During the lead up to my quit day, I remember reading in the AVRT threads the idea of asking yourself WHO wants the alcohol, for WHAT reason and WHY?- AS you are literally in the process of buying it. Asking yourself, " Is this buying of alcohol just an inane habit?" I used that tactic's answers to literally stop myself mid-buying trip several times in the very early days.
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Old 09-24-2013, 05:49 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Glad u came back so quickly Less.
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Old 09-24-2013, 06:23 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Ridiculous how amazing it is to have this site, with all of you here commenting.

That said, I drank again tonight. Like Scott responded to I flipped my switch and now am drinking again. As my wife just said to me a bit ago, I am back drinking. She seemed both sad, mildly angry and resigned.

Tomorrow I'm going to re-read Rational Recovery in its entirety and reach out to this one guy I know from AA who I really liked. I'm calling tomorrow Day 1 again.
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