FourSeasons

“Resentments are like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.” – Not Sure

Anger and Resentment are my major triggers and I need to find a healthy way to finally release these very negative and all-consuming emotions.

I have very deep seated antipathy and resentment toward my mother.

My mother has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (“BPD”). As is typical of BPD behavior, my mother was and is the Queen of Splitting. Things were all good or all bad. Nothing in between. My brother was all good, almost god-like, and I was all bad… No matter what I did or how hard I tried.

I finally rid my toxic mother out of my life a little over 3 years ago… and I have no regrets...I truly want nothing to do with that crazy, nasty piece of work.

But, yet, I just cannot move away from the resentment I have towards her…. and the overwhelming sense of anger and depression I have when I think of all the time I have wasted in really trying to have a “normal” mother-daughter relationship.… So much time, money, effort, and energy wasted… And I resent it…

So, I ask my fellow SR peeps:

1. How many people find anger and resentment are major triggers?
2. What techniques do you use/have you used to get over the anger and resentment?
3. Have you successfully been able to eliminate these toxic emotions?
4. How does one forgive and forget?

One technique, which I found through Google (How to REALLY Let Go of a Resentment), suggests that you should:

1. Make a list of all the people you have resentments towards.
2. Next to the person’s name; write what they did to cause you to resent them.
3. Then, write what part of your life each resentment affects.

For example, I resent my mother.

I resent the fact that I tried so hard and gave so much to have a "normal" relationship with her. I resent the amount of time, money, and effort I put in to be constantly pulled down, torn apart, and viciously attacked. I resent the fact that I always came back and tried harder and harder the more nasty she became. I resent the fact that it took me so long to realize and then to accept the fact that no matter how much I give or how hard I try, it will never be enough. I resent the long-term, negative impact that my undiagnosed BPD mother has had on me and on how little value and self-worth I have placed on myself as a result.

I absolutely resent the fact that, for most of my life, I have abused alcohol in an attempt to numb these toxic and intense emotions.

I resent the fact I cannot make up for lost time... I am worth so much more and really need to start giving myself more credit.

Most importantly, I resent the fact that I cannot let this go…

Although, I do feel a lot better in simply typing up this post…

Thanks, SR!

Bebetter

I'm realizing that sharing my frustrations here gets them out of me head, too. Mine are not as drastic or consuming as yours. I've read some on BPD lately, and it sounds like you have made a good decision for your own health to remove your mom from your life.

Resentment becomes a trigger for me because it's paired with me feeling like I deserve something. I deserve to escape because I feel resentment. I feel resentment towards my young kids because I perceive I have no "me" time, and I used to think I deserved a drink for all I do for them. Really, I just need some me time... some time to give to myself rather than to others. I need to break the feeling of resentment, because the truth is that they really need me and I chose to be a mother and I love them dearly. I am mostly a good mom, but I get to a breaking point, and I'm trying to find the point just before I break and tell the kids I need a mommy moment and walk away. I know this sounds trite in comparison to your suffering, but it's my trigger point right now.

FeelingGreat

Hi FourSeasons, I didn't have a traumatic upbringing like yours, but I've managed to accumulate many resentments over the years. I try to stop them ruling my life, by accepting that they exist, but not dwelling on them. When I'm down for other reasons they can pop into my brain unbidden. I have to recognise why I'm going over the past and firmly move on to other thoughts. Repeat.
People do what they do to fill their own psychological needs - sometimes we can get to the point where we feel sorry for them.
Time is a healer. If you can work on your anger (as you're doing), I think eventually time and your new insights will blunt the force of resentment. It may not go away, but will stay in the background where it belongs. Keep trying; life is long.

dwtbd

bebetter
thx that is a great way to see an avenue that leads to"escape deservedness'', I also think being conscious of having a breaking point and looking for it and planning about it, makes you more than mostly a good mom, imho

FourSeasons

Dear Bebetter, There is nothing trite about resentment. It is what it is. It is a negative emotion regardless of the cause.

Thanks so much for sharing!!

FourSeasons

Thanks, FeelingGreat! Being sober for one full month is making me accept the fact I have significant resentment. My goal is to stop dwelling on it. That is where I am struggling.

Agree, Time is a healer... Though I still remain extremely resentful to this day and I have not been in contact with my nasty, crazy mother in over 3 years.

I have anger issues. I admit it... that coupled with loads of resentment... Which I must find a way to move past it.

Thanks again for your response!