tidruid

This is my first real attempt at reaching out I guess you could say. I don't know where to start really. Yesterday I drank vanilla extract and blacked out. I said horrible things that I don't remember and I don't know where I went or what I said. Its like someone else took over my body and decided to take conrol. I wish I could say that this is the first time this has happened but it is not. I have lost count of incidents like these actually. It is insanity by definition. I feel like everything goes by a tee when I drink these days.

It happens like this, I drink and i begin to feel like I am better than I am and I start to call people. I say horrible things while drunk and I don't remember. You know the usual things. Once I start drinking I can't stop myself either. It's very scary when I really think about it. Once I am drunk there are no limitations on what I will say or do. None. I am the kind of drunk that will black out and wake up in the morning terrified with the thoughts that maybe I have hurt or killed someone. I am not a violent or mean person when I am sober. I am actually really shy and keep to myself. I think that adds to my drinking problem.

I really don't know what else to say. This is my first time to seek help for myself and not seek help just to satisfy someone else's worrys. I really terrified myself with how alcohol changed my peronality yesterday. I have never been completely honest with myself about this before. I don't drink everyday but when I do I always drink hard and something bad happens. I use it to escape my insecurities. I feel like my life is over in a way. I wish I could take back the horrible things I said that I don't remember. I am scared posting this to random people on the internet.

lorelei

to sr,
You aren't alone, drink distorts our mind, makes us do and say crazy things.... read around and post as much as you need too x

Dee74

Hi tridruid

don't worry - this is a good safe place filled with welcoming people who've ben there and who understand

you'll feel at home here - welcome

D

ImperfectlyMe

Welcome and please don't be scared to post here. We are a really loving group. I'm sorry you had such a terrible night, but maybe it's the beginning of your new chapter. Let go of your shame and get excited about meeting yourself! You've got SRs support

hayley86

Welcome tidruid, you will find lots of understanding and support here. Glad you have joined us. Wishing you well.

tidruid

Thank you for the replies. People seem to actually care here. I am terrified that the cops will be at my door tomorrow. I really do not know how I made it home or how I am not in jail right now.

FourSeasons

Welcome aboard tidruid! Glad you found us!!

hayley86

I am sorry to hear that you feel scared. I think everyone here has been in a situation where they have been drinking and have no clue whats happened. You cant change what happened yesterday. I think the most important thing is that you now realize how much alcohol changes your personality and you are reaching out for help to stop drinking. Hopefully you don't have to go through this worry again.

heath480

Welcome SR Tidruid.

ImperfectlyMe

We really do care here! Let go of your fears about yesterday because you can't change it. You DID make it home and be thankful of that. You've had your "Ebenezor Scrooge" moment and saw what life could be. Now that you've made it home you get the chance to change how that future looks.

Try and be as positive as you can muster be cause it can be hard but having a good attitude can ease the struggle a bit. Be proud of this first step your taking might be the most important one!

Mountainmanbob

I started drinking in my teens
didn't have black out until in my fifties
you remind me of me
it got very scary having no control
and
not knowing what the outcome of my drunks would be
I did some more than wild things when in blackouts
ended up in jail (75,000 dollar bail) a long sad story
cost me a lot to get out of that one
one of many more - totaled a motor home into an occupied business
I heard later that people had to dive for their lives
thank God no one got hurt or killed


it is in no way over for you
be sober and you with time can put this all behind you
sobriety is best for us

Mountainman

tidruid

I have said some horrible things that I can't take back. I don't think I should leave my house again.

ImperfectlyMe

Even non drinkers have done that. Every one f's up. Where it matters is what you do about it. Make a change or wallow in your wrongs! Hang out here for a while you'll see we've all had some momentary lapses of reason keep moving forward!!!!

lorelei

Are you afraid of repercussions? Or is it guilt stopping you ?

What IM just said is so true, the last 48 hours I've had a barrage of not very pleasent comments by 2 very sober people, you got drunk and said some stupid things you can change it by not drinking, what sober people who are horrible can do, god only knows!

hayley86

Everyone has said and done things that they cant take back. The past is gone. Try and focus on your recovery and keep moving forward. Try to forgive yourself.

Mountainmanbob

the main thing now is to stay sober -- ok
each day it will be a little easier to deal with these things said and done

after my big blow it job in the neighborhood
cops with blow horns asking me out of the house at midnight
I was so very embarrassed
didn't want to be seen for a very long time

the very best amends that we can make to the ones around us are
to get and stay sober

none are perfect not one
but true
it's time for us to get with the correct program of life

most will forgive you in time
if
you start and keep doing the right thing (good decisions to be made)

it's all about what I do or don't do

Mountainman

Kaneda8888

Welcome tidruid, there are many wonderful folk here who will be supportive and non-judgmental including me ! You should feel safe to express yourself here without fear

Sasha4

I thought drinking made me confident.
Made me a better person.
Made it easier to have interesting conversations.
Took away pre party nerves.

Alcohol lies.
It does not do that.
It does the complete opposite.

It makes me same and do shameful things that haunt my waking hours.
It make me anxious, paranoid and depressed.
It caused me regrets. It lost me friendships.

Now I would rather put up with being sober and maybe a little bit quiet and on edge at a gathering and have no-one talking about me behind my back or laughing at the state I was in.
I like my peaceful sober evenings that do not include checking my phone to see who I rang or facebook or texts.

I would rather stick out for being sober than for being a drunken mess.

My life might be dull to others but to me it is peaceful, trouble free and calm.

There are many, many times I have regretted drinking. I have never regretted not drinking once.

I wish you the best.

fruitymarzipan

Hi there, We all say things we regret even when sober sometimes. You cant take them back so don't dwell, like someone else said, move forward and think about recovery. Recovery will mean it wont happen again, and people may not forget (cause you cant take it back) but they can forgive, if your actions and words show your sorry Your in the best place posting on here, it is very supportive xx