cleansoberSean

It's been 15 years that I have been binge drinking. I can't count the number of lost days, failed relationships, friendships lost, and dangerous actions I have taken while drinking. Ten years ago I had a BAC of .43 and nearly died. That wasn't enough to get me sober. God I wish that it was.

My most recent episode my have cost me my job. I am waiting to hear back about this right now. Having said that, I'm not sure I could face those people. What I did was so disgusting, I'm not sure I can work with them anymore without thinking of what they think of me. I'm not sure they will want to work with me.

I have not had a drink since the late night 9/19 or early morning of 9/20. I have already gone to my first AA meeting and it was great.

If I lose my job, I am not sure how I will pay my bills. I am having a hard time focusing on what is important right now: getting myself better.

GracieLou

Welcome to SR Sean. Admitting you have a problem is the first step and getting help is the second. Sounds like you are already on the right path.

I drank for 26 years. Hang in there. It gets better. Just remember to take it one day at a time.

soberhawk

Welcome Sean.

You seem to have your prioritize right.

misspond

Sean - walk forward with focus and you will find another job. You'll learn how to build new relationships. It's all doable, you just need to understand that alcohol is not your friend. xx

cleansoberSean

I have had dread and anguish over my past drinking episodes, but nothing like this. If I do keep this job, how do I face people who know what I did? It wasn't a mystery what man went into the women's room at the office at 2am, having crapped his pants, fell down in it, smearing it, then leaving evidence, like his glasses, among other things. Even if I don't keep this job, I still may come into contact with these people. I don't remember doing any of these things, but the whole office knows about it.

Sorry, I know that's really gross, but I didn't have a way to talk around it and get how seriously stupid and gross my actions were.

GracieLou

Sh*t happens, even literally.

You can only go up from here. We have all done things that we are embarrassed about later. I know I did many things. I can't tell you the amount of times I fell of my bar stool or the time I got so drunk I had to be carried out of the bar. It happens.

I have gone to work still drunk from the night before and said things that I really regret later. I was not of sound mind.

The fact is you have a problem and you admit it and you are doing something about it. That is what you need to focus on right now.

Mentium

Welcome Sean! All the very best to you in finding a way forward!

Dee74

Hi and welcome Sean
I know you'll find a lot of support here.

I wish you the best with your job.

I think you need to draw out the positives.

If you lose it, at least it's a fresh start.

If you keep it, I know it's rough to face people again after something like that - there's no easy way to do it - but you'll have financial security.

In essence tho, sounds like the decision is out of your hands - I think you're best focusing on your recovery right now, the best you can

D

Malachi

Welcome Sean!

cleansoberSean

Thanks everyone! Really, I've been trying to go it alone for so long. I just have to keep remembering that two things. One, I have let fear of the consequences of drinking keep me from drink, but only for a short time, so I need to stick with AA, or else I will have either lost my job or have to face people daily with this shame, for nothing. Since I have nothing better to do than worry, I am reading the "Big Book" and the first chapter already resonates with me. The second thing I have to remember is that I am happier sober.

GracieLou

You do not have to do it alone. It does help to know that.

I can't count the times I have been at an AA meeting or on this message board and I understand someone or they understand me. Knowing I have that support makes a huge difference.

ctrl

Your story sounds like a recap of every drunk night I've had for the past 25 years, including this past weekend.

I used to think that since I didn't crave alcohol every day that I didn't have a probelm.

I know that isn't the case. I also know that people are really forgiving, and they know that the person who did those things wasn't the person I want to be. They will give you the same support, if you show the courage to change.

cleansoberSean

I just dumped dusty booze down the drain. I have not had a problem being around booze, just stopping after that first drink. I don't want to tempt myself after 30, 60, or more days sober. My episodes were seemingly isolated events, but it was more like pinball, bouncing between bumpers, and I was the pinball.

FourSeasons

Hello Sean! Welcome to SR. I agree people are forgiving. I would just apologize to everyone and let them know that you have a problem with alcohol and have decided to do something about it. I think people will forgive...

1stepup

Hi sean relate so much to your post ive just had to resign from my job because I was afraid of facing them again and I phoned in sick but was drunk every day for ten days, ive been drinking worrying about it like crazy even to the point of blackout most nights and then it became a vicious circle, I was too hungover or scared to go in and in the end it was a temp min wage job with only 1 week left of my contract, drink has a way of magnifying things bigger than they really are, I just got a text saying best of luck for the future and that was it! Have decided to use the fact that im not in work now to try and work on my sobriety, hope things work out okay, but whatever happens whatever we feel in our minds things never are so bad that we should drink ourselves to oblivion over other peoples opinions.

cleansoberSean

I was supposed to hear back about my job this afternoon or this evening. That hasn't happened. Waiting to hear back is killing me. I decided to go to another meeting. It was a beginner 123 meeting. It was really good to have people around me. On my drive home I noticed every bar and liquor store on the way back. It's tough not killing my anxiety with booze, but I kept on going all the way home. I'm going to see a movie instead.

Tamerua

Hi Sean, welcome.

If you manage to keep your job (you might!) then you go to work, lay low and soon enough, someone else will do something to talk about. Hang in there.

wehav2day

sean, welcome to sober recovery! this site is awesome. my favorite part is that people are here 24/7. so when you need to, come on all the time. a lot of us have similar stories. if you stay at your job, it will be painful, ain't no way around that. but I can tell you that sober me has had to face people/places/things/situations that drunk me caused and a little bit of sober, thoughtful, penitent me has gone a long way in smoothing things over. if you approach life sober, I find people can be surprisingly forgiving.

best of luck to you and welcome to this great place!

Tesla

Sean

I know it may not offer any comfort...but I have been there...same place. Incident at work that was unreal and so seemingly unrecoverable. I still shutter to think about it. First, no matter what happens (and I am not immune to the hardship of job loss) you have the power to get through this...your posts prove it. You have done all of us a tremendous favor by sharing your story because it is inspiring to see you stand up to the intense power of alcohol --- and face it down. Second, I think you will find that people are far more forgiving than you might think. My experience in AA reveals so many people have received amazing support, just for having the guts to humble themselves in judgment. Be strong and keep going to meetings....you have been given a gift but in a strange and confusing package ...take time to open it.

AnotherPaul

Welcome, Sean. It is not as overwhelming as it seems now. I guarantee it. Focus on getting yourself healthy and you will be surprised at how much more energy you have to put the rest of your life back together brick by brick.