husband just entered inpatient rehab don't know what to do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: baltimore
Posts: 16
husband just entered inpatient rehab don't know what to do
Ok my husband just checked into an inpatient rehab. He will be there for 28 days. I am not sute what I should do. I know this time is supposed to be about his recovery and being focused on himself. In the three days he's been gone I've been able to have a clear mind since I am not wrapped up in his drama worrying about him. And I am pissed off! All of the lies the things he stole from me and even our children. Pawned his wedding ring! Ugh I could go on and on and on lol! I went to visit him today and he was distant with me. I aksed him if he's made any friends. He began to go on about this girl who was in there with him and how cool she is. (Can't lie I worry a little bit he's going to cheat on me with this person.) Then he goes on about how sorry he feels for her. That kinda pissed me off even more. I get that these people in there can relate to him in a way that I can't. But he doesn't even feel bad for his own wife who's heart he broke over and over again! At this point I'm not sure what to even say to him and I'm not 100% sure I want to remain married to him. Not sure if I should wait til he's home to tell him how I feel or tell him now.this is a very confusing time for me:-(
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,467
Sorry for your pain vadams, it brings home to me the pain and suffering our selfish drinking causes others, a lot of my drinking is trying to block that guilt out which results in more misery- it truly is a horrible nasty illness and wish you well.
Im trying to get into rehab myself as im out of control and hit rock bottom this last time.
Im trying to get into rehab myself as im out of control and hit rock bottom this last time.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Central California
Posts: 83
Hi, I wont let your question go unanswered. I am not a rehab pro as I took it upon my self to "drop-out" x2. You sound a little familiar to me. I was recently married for 15 years and I am only 38. My wife should have divorced/separated from me years ago. But she had her own illness, she was co-dependent, and an enabler. Let me run way to loose. By the way it sounds, you will need to ask yourself and see where you are. Whatever you decide, it is the right decision for YOU!
Q: Are you helping him or tolerating him. Huge difference. I wish my wife didnt just tolerate me. I needed help. Sometimes a separation or divorce is that wake call (help) many alcoholics, especially my self needed...it was too late. The damage was to far done. So set your boundaries. Respect and love yourself first! Give your self a hand for recognizing this issue. Message me if you would like. I applaud you.
ryan
Q: Are you helping him or tolerating him. Huge difference. I wish my wife didnt just tolerate me. I needed help. Sometimes a separation or divorce is that wake call (help) many alcoholics, especially my self needed...it was too late. The damage was to far done. So set your boundaries. Respect and love yourself first! Give your self a hand for recognizing this issue. Message me if you would like. I applaud you.
ryan
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: baltimore
Posts: 16
I am FINALLY at my breaking point with this. I gave him several chances and each time he swore he was done with it. But we'd end up right back where we started. The straw the broke the camels back was just before he went into inpatient rehab he did a 3 day detox. I told him it was over if he didn't get cpean and stay that way well.....about 3 hours after getting out of detox he went right off to do It again. He really had me going that last time. I believed everything he told me like a fool
All I wanted was thean I fell in love with back. I'm starting to think that man is dead and gone. I'm just not sure if I wait until he comes home or tell him now that I think I want a divorce. Regardless I want to see him be successful in his recovery.
All I wanted was thean I fell in love with back. I'm starting to think that man is dead and gone. I'm just not sure if I wait until he comes home or tell him now that I think I want a divorce. Regardless I want to see him be successful in his recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Central California
Posts: 83
First I am not a counselor but my ex was a psychologist? Does that count for anything, lol? Send me an private message when you have time. I do have personal experience in this regard. I just don't want it to come across I am giving unsound/unqualified "advice" and risk upsetting other member friends.....I have been in this exact situation. Hang in there. For now you have 28 days to "think"......
ryan
ryan
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
I think your husband is playing some games with you. His attention, and yours, should be on his sobriety. Not on the problems of some girl in the program. If I were you, this is what I would tell him: "Grow the f**k up. Your in treatment for alcoholism and/or addiction. FOCUS! If you want to play doctor with some poor woman who obviously has her own problems and certainly doesn't need YOU screwing with her recovery, then go and pay a prostitute and role play. It would be a lot cheaper than the many thousands of dollars that rehab costs. Or, here's an idea...figure out how and why your life has become so unmanageable, and try to DO something about it!".
That's just my opinion, of course. I'm not usually so prickly. I'm glad you came to SR, and I hope you help here.
That's just my opinion, of course. I'm not usually so prickly. I'm glad you came to SR, and I hope you help here.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
I was in rehab 6 months ago. I checked in voluntarily and stayed the full 30 days.
Honestly, those first few days were some of the scariest, most painful days of my life, both physically and emotionally. It's no wonder he seemed distant. I was so full of shame and guilt about my actions while using that I didn't even call my mom until day 7.
Personally, and this is just my humble opinion, give him his space to begin working the process. It takes time. You can't expect results in 3 days.
He was probably talking about that girl because that's maybe the only person who actually talked to him. It takes a while to get integrated into the rehab community. As far as the cheating, I'm not going to lie, rehab relationships do happen from time to time, but they are absolutely against the rules and most facilities will do everything they can to prevent it. Like cameras in every room. No one of the opposite sex in your room, etc. I don't know what kind of person your husband is, but one would have to go to a LOT of work to cheat in rehab.
Just because he didn't say that he felt bad about how he's treated you and your family doesn't mean he isn't feeling it inside. It took me until my family therapy session 3 weeks in to really even begin to acknowledge how much I've hurt my family.
If you're not sure what to say to him, don't say anything. His recovery is his responsibility. The only thing that helped me was when my mom said, "I know how hard this must be for you." Because rehab is HARD. It's work. It's draining. But it is rewarding if one is committed.
Maybe considering using this time to work on yourself. Have you ever considered Al-anon/Nar-anon? These programs are to help you!
Also check out the friends and family of addicts and alcoholics forums here on SR.
Stay strong for you and your children. Wishing you all the best.
Honestly, those first few days were some of the scariest, most painful days of my life, both physically and emotionally. It's no wonder he seemed distant. I was so full of shame and guilt about my actions while using that I didn't even call my mom until day 7.
Personally, and this is just my humble opinion, give him his space to begin working the process. It takes time. You can't expect results in 3 days.
He was probably talking about that girl because that's maybe the only person who actually talked to him. It takes a while to get integrated into the rehab community. As far as the cheating, I'm not going to lie, rehab relationships do happen from time to time, but they are absolutely against the rules and most facilities will do everything they can to prevent it. Like cameras in every room. No one of the opposite sex in your room, etc. I don't know what kind of person your husband is, but one would have to go to a LOT of work to cheat in rehab.
Just because he didn't say that he felt bad about how he's treated you and your family doesn't mean he isn't feeling it inside. It took me until my family therapy session 3 weeks in to really even begin to acknowledge how much I've hurt my family.
If you're not sure what to say to him, don't say anything. His recovery is his responsibility. The only thing that helped me was when my mom said, "I know how hard this must be for you." Because rehab is HARD. It's work. It's draining. But it is rewarding if one is committed.
Maybe considering using this time to work on yourself. Have you ever considered Al-anon/Nar-anon? These programs are to help you!
Also check out the friends and family of addicts and alcoholics forums here on SR.
Stay strong for you and your children. Wishing you all the best.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by longbeachone 
I think your husband is playing some games with you. His attention, and yours, should be on his sobriety. Not on the problems of some girl in the program. If I were you, this is what I would tell him: "Grow the f**k up. Your in treatment for alcoholism and/or addiction. FOCUS! If you want to play doctor with some poor woman who obviously has her own problems and certainly doesn't need YOU screwing with her recovery, then go and pay a prostitute and role play. It would be a lot cheaper than the many thousands of dollars that rehab costs. Or, here's an idea...figure out how and why your life has become so unmanageable, and try to DO something about it!".
That's just my opinion, of course. I'm not usually so prickly. I'm glad you came to SR, and I hope you help here.
That's just my opinion, of course. I'm not usually so prickly. I'm glad you came to SR, and I hope you help here.
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