smashed myself up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: London (-ish)
Posts: 263
smashed myself up
Hello guys.
I came on here in July.
I've always had major problems with alcohol, I'm obsessed with it.
This year I had enough, decided to stop, which I found really hard.
So anyway, I was collecting sober days, but finding it really very challenging.
I keep getting this overwhelming nervous panic energy building up inside me like I'm going to explode. That's the worst thing about not drinking, when I hit that moment, and you feel like you have to hold on tight while the storm passes. The witching hour is the worst, when you can't stop the speeding train in your head.
So, I realised this was a problem. I also had other unhealthy addictions and obsessions.
AA didn't seem to be helping. I didn't feel like I drank enough to belong there.
So I thought I'd do something to deal with it. I thought I'd take up some sports activities and stuff to keep me busy, so that I have a passion in life to cultivate, something other than drink, something to keep my mind busy, and my body occupied.
So I took charge of my life, of my own destiny. I decided I wasn't going to be a victim of my own demise, and I would develop myself into a better human, one that doesn't drink.
So I've been reading, doing yoga, tai-chi, meditation, wakeboarding, skydiving, lesson on a motobike. Anything I could think of I was trying anything so that I don't drink again.
Developing and cultivating passions so I could feel alive! Trying to love myself a little and find out who I am without booze. Striving for a happier existence.
It all went horribly wrong. I smashed up my feet while learning to skydive and now I'm temporarily disabled, with casts attached to my feet and I can't stand up. Even just typing that makes me feel sick. I can't believe I've done this to myself.
I went 51 days without booze, but last night I couldn't hold on anymore, and I got ********* on vodka and wine. I don't remember much. I wanted to feel numb.
I hate my life so much. I'm so empty. I hate booze. I hate the way my head works. I hate wanting to drink. I hate being so alone. I don't know what to do with this crazy energy beast that lives inside me. I want to switch it off and feel calm.
I don't know what to do. My life it a total shitstorm of failure. I'm a 34 single white female with absolutely nothing to my life. And right now I can hardly get out of bed with another sick hangover to add to it all.
Will I always feel this way?
Sorry, for this message. I had to get it out there. I had to tell someone
sicknote xx
I came on here in July.
I've always had major problems with alcohol, I'm obsessed with it.
This year I had enough, decided to stop, which I found really hard.
So anyway, I was collecting sober days, but finding it really very challenging.
I keep getting this overwhelming nervous panic energy building up inside me like I'm going to explode. That's the worst thing about not drinking, when I hit that moment, and you feel like you have to hold on tight while the storm passes. The witching hour is the worst, when you can't stop the speeding train in your head.
So, I realised this was a problem. I also had other unhealthy addictions and obsessions.
AA didn't seem to be helping. I didn't feel like I drank enough to belong there.
So I thought I'd do something to deal with it. I thought I'd take up some sports activities and stuff to keep me busy, so that I have a passion in life to cultivate, something other than drink, something to keep my mind busy, and my body occupied.
So I took charge of my life, of my own destiny. I decided I wasn't going to be a victim of my own demise, and I would develop myself into a better human, one that doesn't drink.
So I've been reading, doing yoga, tai-chi, meditation, wakeboarding, skydiving, lesson on a motobike. Anything I could think of I was trying anything so that I don't drink again.
Developing and cultivating passions so I could feel alive! Trying to love myself a little and find out who I am without booze. Striving for a happier existence.
It all went horribly wrong. I smashed up my feet while learning to skydive and now I'm temporarily disabled, with casts attached to my feet and I can't stand up. Even just typing that makes me feel sick. I can't believe I've done this to myself.
I went 51 days without booze, but last night I couldn't hold on anymore, and I got ********* on vodka and wine. I don't remember much. I wanted to feel numb.
I hate my life so much. I'm so empty. I hate booze. I hate the way my head works. I hate wanting to drink. I hate being so alone. I don't know what to do with this crazy energy beast that lives inside me. I want to switch it off and feel calm.
I don't know what to do. My life it a total shitstorm of failure. I'm a 34 single white female with absolutely nothing to my life. And right now I can hardly get out of bed with another sick hangover to add to it all.
Will I always feel this way?
Sorry, for this message. I had to get it out there. I had to tell someone
sicknote
xx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Sicknote, it seems you were doing a lot of good things for yourself. Being active is always a good idea IMO. Yes, you were injured, but that happens to many people who are active. You seem to be blaming yourself? I don't see any reason to do that.
I suggest getting back on the sober wagon, and then getting active as soon as you're physically able; although, you may want to avoid the more extreme activities, at least until you're fully recovered.
As for being 34 and not having anything; well . . . I suspect you have more than you may initially believe. You may want to do a quick mental inventory of all the things that you do have. I often do that, and I realize I'm actually in a pretty good place.
I suggest getting back on the sober wagon, and then getting active as soon as you're physically able; although, you may want to avoid the more extreme activities, at least until you're fully recovered.
As for being 34 and not having anything; well . . . I suspect you have more than you may initially believe. You may want to do a quick mental inventory of all the things that you do have. I often do that, and I realize I'm actually in a pretty good place.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Injuries especially ones that affect our mobility can be very demoralising sicknote.
It's very important you don't get back into the habit of self medicating, especially with alcohol.
If you feel depressed, would you consider seeing a Dr or a counsellor?
D
It's very important you don't get back into the habit of self medicating, especially with alcohol.
If you feel depressed, would you consider seeing a Dr or a counsellor?
D
Velveteen Rabbit
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: San Diego, Cali
Posts: 2,661
Wow - skydiving?!!! That's very brave. Sorry you got hurt, but you will have a story to tell around the campfire one day.
Aside from the injury though, all those things you tried....yoga, meditation, sports....how did it feel to do that? I would think it would feel very good to be that active. Meeting lots of people too.
Maybe you were on the right track there until you got hurt.
Take care and don't forget to see all the positive too. It's going to be ok once you're back on your feet.
Aside from the injury though, all those things you tried....yoga, meditation, sports....how did it feel to do that? I would think it would feel very good to be that active. Meeting lots of people too.
Maybe you were on the right track there until you got hurt.
Take care and don't forget to see all the positive too. It's going to be ok once you're back on your feet.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Ireland.
Posts: 238
Hey sicknote,
Really sorry to hear about your injury. I actually did a skydive myself about four years ago, very exciting to say the least. I was lucky enough to have a soft landing though.
Have you tried other supports for your recovery? I don't use AA myself but do feel a need for some support at times, & there are a few out there. I would second dees suggestion about the counsellor. Talking it out with someone might really help. I wish you well in whatever decision you make and I hope you are up and about real soon.
Hang in there,,
Ando.
Really sorry to hear about your injury. I actually did a skydive myself about four years ago, very exciting to say the least. I was lucky enough to have a soft landing though.
Have you tried other supports for your recovery? I don't use AA myself but do feel a need for some support at times, & there are a few out there. I would second dees suggestion about the counsellor. Talking it out with someone might really help. I wish you well in whatever decision you make and I hope you are up and about real soon.
Hang in there,,
Ando.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: London (-ish)
Posts: 263
Thank you kind people of sober recovery 
I'm going to get back on the sober train again.
I've got a doc's appointment in a couple of weeks and I'm hoping I'll get cancelling.
Might do a gratitude list too.
Looking forward to getting active, maybe some less extreme activities this time! Ha
Xx
I'm going to get back on the sober train again.
I've got a doc's appointment in a couple of weeks and I'm hoping I'll get cancelling.
Might do a gratitude list too.
Looking forward to getting active, maybe some less extreme activities this time! Ha
Xx
to you...I hope you find comfort from your pain...may good health and rehabilitation come your way....peace always.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
Dee! roflmbo
Sicknote I am so sorry to hear about your jumping experience. How about you pull up a chair and spend some time with us Sober Recovery folks while your legs heal? I've always got an SR window open on my computer and when I get a moment I check out the different forums.
Stopped drinking the night I joined here so I guess one could say I am very fond of this place and all those that come around.
I like to know everyone is just a click away.
Sicknote I am so sorry to hear about your jumping experience. How about you pull up a chair and spend some time with us Sober Recovery folks while your legs heal? I've always got an SR window open on my computer and when I get a moment I check out the different forums.
Stopped drinking the night I joined here so I guess one could say I am very fond of this place and all those that come around.
I like to know everyone is just a click away.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"AA didn't seem to be helping. I didn't feel like I drank enough to belong there. "
im sorry you feel there is a quantity requirement for AA. heres something from a section of the big book in the personal stories:
Among today’s incoming A.A. members, many have never reached the advanced stages of alcoholism, though given time all might have.
Most of these fortunate ones have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, asylums, and jails. Some were drinking heavily, and there had been occasional serious episodes. But with many, drinking had been little more than a sometimes uncontrollable nuisance. Seldom had any of these lost either health, business, family, or friends.
Why do men and women like these join A.A.?
The seventeen who now tell their experiences answer that question. They saw that they had become actual or potential alcoholics, even though no serious harm had yet been done.
They realized that repeated lack of drinking control, when they really wanted control, was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking. This, plus mounting emotional disturbances, convinced them that compulsive alcoholism already had them; that complete ruin would be only a question of time.
Seeing this danger, they came to A.A. They realized that in the end alcoholism could be as mortal as cancer; certainly no sane man would wait for a malignant growth to become fatal before seeking help.
Therefore, these seventeen A.A.’s, and hundreds of thousands like them, have been saved years of infinite suffering. They sum it up something like this: “We didn’t wait to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us. That sold us on Alcoholics Anonymous.”
im sorry you feel there is a quantity requirement for AA. heres something from a section of the big book in the personal stories:
Among today’s incoming A.A. members, many have never reached the advanced stages of alcoholism, though given time all might have.
Most of these fortunate ones have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, asylums, and jails. Some were drinking heavily, and there had been occasional serious episodes. But with many, drinking had been little more than a sometimes uncontrollable nuisance. Seldom had any of these lost either health, business, family, or friends.
Why do men and women like these join A.A.?
The seventeen who now tell their experiences answer that question. They saw that they had become actual or potential alcoholics, even though no serious harm had yet been done.
They realized that repeated lack of drinking control, when they really wanted control, was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking. This, plus mounting emotional disturbances, convinced them that compulsive alcoholism already had them; that complete ruin would be only a question of time.
Seeing this danger, they came to A.A. They realized that in the end alcoholism could be as mortal as cancer; certainly no sane man would wait for a malignant growth to become fatal before seeking help.
Therefore, these seventeen A.A.’s, and hundreds of thousands like them, have been saved years of infinite suffering. They sum it up something like this: “We didn’t wait to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us. That sold us on Alcoholics Anonymous.”
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
I'm sorry to hear about your pain on the inside and the outside. I'm glad you are telling us what is going on and reaching out for support...we are here for you! Please don't mix alcohol and pain medication if you are taking any; it is a dangerous combination. Take care of you....you are worth it!!
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by sicknote 
Hello guys.
I came on here in July.
I've always had major problems with alcohol, I'm obsessed with it.
This year I had enough, decided to stop, which I found really hard.
So anyway, I was collecting sober days, but finding it really very challenging.
I keep getting this overwhelming nervous panic energy building up inside me like I'm going to explode. That's the worst thing about not drinking, when I hit that moment, and you feel like you have to hold on tight while the storm passes. The witching hour is the worst, when you can't stop the speeding train in your head.
So, I realised this was a problem. I also had other unhealthy addictions and obsessions.
AA didn't seem to be helping. I didn't feel like I drank enough to belong there.
So I thought I'd do something to deal with it. I thought I'd take up some sports activities and stuff to keep me busy, so that I have a passion in life to cultivate, something other than drink, something to keep my mind busy, and my body occupied.
So I took charge of my life, of my own destiny. I decided I wasn't going to be a victim of my own demise, and I would develop myself into a better human, one that doesn't drink.
So I've been reading, doing yoga, tai-chi, meditation, wakeboarding, skydiving, lesson on a motobike. Anything I could think of I was trying anything so that I don't drink again.
Developing and cultivating passions so I could feel alive! Trying to love myself a little and find out who I am without booze. Striving for a happier existence.
It all went horribly wrong. I smashed up my feet while learning to skydive and now I'm temporarily disabled, with casts attached to my feet and I can't stand up. Even just typing that makes me feel sick. I can't believe I've done this to myself.
I went 51 days without booze, but last night I couldn't hold on anymore, and I got ********* on vodka and wine. I don't remember much. I wanted to feel numb.
I hate my life so much. I'm so empty. I hate booze. I hate the way my head works. I hate wanting to drink. I hate being so alone. I don't know what to do with this crazy energy beast that lives inside me. I want to switch it off and feel calm.
I don't know what to do. My life it a total shitstorm of failure. I'm a 34 single white female with absolutely nothing to my life. And right now I can hardly get out of bed with another sick hangover to add to it all.
Will I always feel this way?
Sorry, for this message. I had to get it out there. I had to tell someone
sicknote xx
I came on here in July.
I've always had major problems with alcohol, I'm obsessed with it.
This year I had enough, decided to stop, which I found really hard.
So anyway, I was collecting sober days, but finding it really very challenging.
I keep getting this overwhelming nervous panic energy building up inside me like I'm going to explode. That's the worst thing about not drinking, when I hit that moment, and you feel like you have to hold on tight while the storm passes. The witching hour is the worst, when you can't stop the speeding train in your head.
So, I realised this was a problem. I also had other unhealthy addictions and obsessions.
AA didn't seem to be helping. I didn't feel like I drank enough to belong there.
So I thought I'd do something to deal with it. I thought I'd take up some sports activities and stuff to keep me busy, so that I have a passion in life to cultivate, something other than drink, something to keep my mind busy, and my body occupied.
So I took charge of my life, of my own destiny. I decided I wasn't going to be a victim of my own demise, and I would develop myself into a better human, one that doesn't drink.
So I've been reading, doing yoga, tai-chi, meditation, wakeboarding, skydiving, lesson on a motobike. Anything I could think of I was trying anything so that I don't drink again.
Developing and cultivating passions so I could feel alive! Trying to love myself a little and find out who I am without booze. Striving for a happier existence.
It all went horribly wrong. I smashed up my feet while learning to skydive and now I'm temporarily disabled, with casts attached to my feet and I can't stand up. Even just typing that makes me feel sick. I can't believe I've done this to myself.
I went 51 days without booze, but last night I couldn't hold on anymore, and I got ********* on vodka and wine. I don't remember much. I wanted to feel numb.
I hate my life so much. I'm so empty. I hate booze. I hate the way my head works. I hate wanting to drink. I hate being so alone. I don't know what to do with this crazy energy beast that lives inside me. I want to switch it off and feel calm.
I don't know what to do. My life it a total shitstorm of failure. I'm a 34 single white female with absolutely nothing to my life. And right now I can hardly get out of bed with another sick hangover to add to it all.
Will I always feel this way?
Sorry, for this message. I had to get it out there. I had to tell someone
sicknote
xxMember
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: London (-ish)
Posts: 263
Thanks again for everyones feedback. I hate to be one of these people that needs to ask for help, but I've really just hit the bottom of the pit, so its really good to get positive feedback and encouragement to move forward.
Received, Yeah, I think I'm going to check out this site a bit. It seemed to be helping before
tomsteve, thank you for sending me an AA extract. That was really helpful actually, and I am thinking of the possibility of giving it another go. I must accept that I am alcoholic, and I can not take a drink, and if I don't do something now I could end up drinking myself into a grave. In theory AA did seem like a good program. I might read some of the BB.
I don't know any other methods of sober recovery, but I'm absolutely going to get counselling. Dealing with the issues that lead me to drink will be good I think.
soberclover, yeah, I'm really hoping to stay away from booze now. Need to take care of myself!
Nighthawk8820, I was finally starting to feel positive about life I guess, by trying new things. I guess that's what hurts, that I've been kind of slapped back down the ladder, and yet again I'm dusting myself off for another round. I do feel ashamed and embarrassed of my failures in life, I guess I've got to accept where I am, embrace it, and try not to let it effect me in the present, and move forward. It's just difficult at the moment, I'm having trouble peeling myself away from the spiral of negative thought, and dwelling on the unfortunate. Its really hard to break that wall down into happier healthier positive mental attitude. I've got to try.
Thanks again,
Sicknote.
Received, Yeah, I think I'm going to check out this site a bit. It seemed to be helping before
tomsteve, thank you for sending me an AA extract. That was really helpful actually, and I am thinking of the possibility of giving it another go. I must accept that I am alcoholic, and I can not take a drink, and if I don't do something now I could end up drinking myself into a grave. In theory AA did seem like a good program. I might read some of the BB.
I don't know any other methods of sober recovery, but I'm absolutely going to get counselling. Dealing with the issues that lead me to drink will be good I think.
soberclover, yeah, I'm really hoping to stay away from booze now. Need to take care of myself!
Nighthawk8820, I was finally starting to feel positive about life I guess, by trying new things. I guess that's what hurts, that I've been kind of slapped back down the ladder, and yet again I'm dusting myself off for another round. I do feel ashamed and embarrassed of my failures in life, I guess I've got to accept where I am, embrace it, and try not to let it effect me in the present, and move forward. It's just difficult at the moment, I'm having trouble peeling myself away from the spiral of negative thought, and dwelling on the unfortunate. Its really hard to break that wall down into happier healthier positive mental attitude. I've got to try.
Thanks again,
Sicknote.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Hi sicknote,
You have a lot of personal awareness helping you out. Awesome. Sometimes this same awareness brings on a ton of unwelcome reactions and such too and when this happens I do my best to just slow down and always take some moments to smell the flowers growing in all that shiit, lol.
Hope you have a great day.
You have a lot of personal awareness helping you out. Awesome. Sometimes this same awareness brings on a ton of unwelcome reactions and such too and when this happens I do my best to just slow down and always take some moments to smell the flowers growing in all that shiit, lol.
Hope you have a great day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wolverhampton UK
Posts: 1
Hi Sicknote, just wanted to say hope you feel better soon. I think the help and advice on these forums will hopefully help you. Im totally new to the forums also and with one day sober I have a long way to go but hopefully I have time to make a change for the better and so will you. Dont think your ever alone and I wish you luck on a speedy recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: London (-ish)
Posts: 263
Thanks, RobbyRobot! That is actually a really good point!! Too much introspective and over analysis is not good. I'll step back a bit, keep it simple, try to remember the flowers growing from the shiit! Love it! Good one.
scrumpy1, good luck to you staring your sober journey. It's a bumpy ride, but ultimately we're worth it.
sicknote
scrumpy1, good luck to you staring your sober journey. It's a bumpy ride, but ultimately we're worth it.
sicknote
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