When's it a good idea to ask for help?
 

I've always felt that my boyfriend drinks more than id like him to, but tonight he told me that he drinks more than HE wants to. He told me it scares him how much he needs it and that once he gets to a sort of happy tipsy place, he cant stop drinking there. He'll end up at the point where he doesn't remember much of what happened who he was drunk-- only bits and pieces. (I'd say this only happens 2-4 times a year.)

He says it embarrasses him to be the drunk person at a pretty chill party.

He wants to change this and be in control of his drinking. the lack of control bothers him, but he says he doesn't really know how to change.

He says he'd feel like a huge fraud going to AA and hearing the stories of people who had real problems and then saying, "we'll, I just wish I was more in control of my drinking. Sometimes I feel embarrassed about how much I drink. But mostly weekends I feel OK about it."

But it seems to me -- if you don't like the path you're going down, it's never too early to be serious about turning around. And I started wondering if he has to figure it out on his own. Are there resources for someone at this stage or would he be laughed at or called a fraud if he asked for help?

for context, he'll drink every weekend, get drunk maybe every other weekend, but only get blackout drunk 2-4 times a year. He tries not to drink during the week but sometimes he does anyway.

This Thursday he stayed up till three am drinking, went to work still a little under the influence - not obviously so and then had the hangover hit him around eleven am. This isnt typical for him, but it got us talking.

He has trouble talking about it. We have trouble talking about it. Neither of us have any idea what one does at this point besides trying harder to drink less. Does one only ask for outside help when one has a seriously bad problem? If not, what kind of help would we look for?

Thank you.

In AA there is a spectrum of people with all kinds of stories to tell. Eventually, you'll hear your own (or your bf will hear his own) story told by another and another and another.....

We all have our stories to tell.

If we could control the amount we drink, we wouldn't need to ask for help....

Abstinence is best. I wish you and your boyfriend well!

Hugs,
~SB

Big Book On Line - Table of Contents

Hi. I'm not an AA type of person, but two things I have learned from them are that, it's a slippery, progressive slope (earlier you bail out, the better) and also that 'when it's costing you more than money', it's time to back out / slow down (if that's possible).
Oh, and they say ' if you think it's a problem, it probably is' and let's face it, something has made you sign in here :)

Hi Larest. If your boyfriend is also concerned about his drinking, maybe he'd be willing to spend some time reading the posts on the newcomer's forum? I came across this site by accident at a time when I was frustrated that I couldn't control my drinking, but not ready to admit that I had a problem. I learned a lot and realized that I wasn't alone in my struggle. Good luck to you both :)

Hi Larest, and welcome!!

I am sure others will be along to share their experiences as well but I wanted to tell you that what you're thinking/feeling is correct. It is never too early to start changing course if you think you're going in the wrong direction.

People who have problems with alcohol aren't all daily drinkers. Some are very much like your boyfriend, actually. I don't know how old he is but I was that way through most of my 20s. Only into my mid-30s did daily/nightly drinking become an issue and, when it did, the slide was very quick.

AA is for anyone, ANYONE, who thinks they might have a problem or maybe is just curious about it. It's not all folks who have daily drinking problems or are down-and-out. There are open meetings where people just come to listen and it's open to everyone...regardless of whether they drink or not. Check online, AA has all kinds of listings there.

Also, most people who do not have a problem with drinking do not think about their drinking or worry about it. If he is worried, then it's probably a decent indication that he could have a problem now or down the line. Moderating is often not an option but he can try to avoid drinking, period, for a month or two and see what happens.

In any case, read around here, check AA online, and continue to post. You (and your boyfriend) will find no judgement of any kind here.

And, as I said, you sound like a very wise person and he's lucky to have you.

Good luck to you and welcome again!

Not being able to control one's drinking after one starts drinking is a classic sign of alcoholism. It's in every recovery book I've read and in every internet search from reputable sources.

It's the reason I've decided to quit. I go on a binge as soon as I have one drink So much so, I know that if I leave any, I will wake up and start drinking, so I dump it before I go to "sleep."

Thank you all so much -- this is really helpful. I'll show him this thread in the morning and see if he wants to poke around on the site. Really appreciate your perspectives.

If you need to "try harder to drink less," then your drinking is already out of control, the relative absence of dramatic or painful consequences notwithstanding.

Welcome to the site. Please ask him to join us, we're typically not a judgemental lot.

People with alcohol issues are from all walks of life, with different severity of issues, though it is generally a progressive affliction.

Homeless folks to housewives that drink too much wine and fall down a lot, to doctors to construction workers, teachers, CEO's to billionaires. Honestly I think that he will be well accepted for catching this problem before it advances to more debilitating stages.

I'm not an AA person myself, but i LOVE their membership requirement. A desire to stop drinking. That's all.

The single most important thing he will need to learn is often the hardest. The only surefire guaranteed fix for the affliction is complete abstinence.

welcome to SR :)


I think the best time to ask for help is when you think you need it.

It's not a value based on comparing yourself to others, or it shouldn't be, IMO.

Get your BF to look around here...I hope he likes what he reads and joins us as well :)

D

maybe a few simple AA meetings would be enlightening ??

if one is alcoholic ??

sure is nice if it can be caught in the earlier stages
saves a lot of suffering

Mountainman

I was exactly in the same situation from past year, thinking I needed to get my life back together as alcohol was slowing becoming more of a priority over other important things. What I find is that ..Abstinence from alcohol is the way forward. May be a few days he will not feel all that great (Depending on how much he had been drinking and for how long). I drank minimum four beers every night and a bottle of whiskey 2 nights per week. I went to work hungover pretty much all the time I can think of. I know how he feels at work. I did not consult anyone i.e AA. I stopped after the last drink I had on 30-Aug-2013. The job I do has become more interesting than ever before..managing staff has never been this easier for me and all that joy has come back in my day to day life...love for music, food, doing simple things. If you have already started to talk about his drinking problem, you are on a right track. Reading posts here is an absolute inspiration. Also AA can help a lot if he needs it. I got inspired by one of my favourite actors Matthew Perry. I am sure he will do it, also a lot of videos on YouTube. i.e.. 30 great reasons to quit drinking.....Keep coming back to this forum whenever you can... Thanks for sharing your experience. :tyou

Being an alcoholic doesn't mean you're homeless or drinking out of a paper bag or a daily drinker. It just means your drinking is out of control and causing you problems. Sounds like your bf realizes he's got a problem and wants to do something about it.


Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us and joined the family. :hug: