July2413

Well the title seems to say it all and I am happy that tomorrow is 60 days sober. I know that should be the number one thing that matters to me right now and I am so thankful for the past 60 days and I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. I appreciate beauty, I run, I can cry again both for joy and sorrow (which I haven't done in a loooooong time).

At the same time, I'm struggling at adjusting to my new workplace and I'm feeling ineffective and stressed out and out of control. These are all emotions that I, as a perfectionist, cannot stand to feel. But I'm feeling them and not drinking to make it feel better.

Tonight I thought... wouldn't it be nice to escape from this situation for a bit with a glass of wine... and the thought is still tempting but its so much less vivid than it used to be. It has faded in its attractiveness - the fantasy is gray and dull but its still better than the way I feel now. I'm not going to drink tonight and I want those 60 days tomorrow.

I know it is one moment at a time and I just have to trust that my HP has me here for a purpose even if I don't understand it at this time and that these negative feelings will bear fruit in some way at some point even though I can't see it now either. Right now in this moment, I choose to be grateful for this time of sobriety and for this moment of sobriety.

Ornithology

Thank you for posting this beautifully written expression of how you are feeling right now, it really helped me to read it tonight.
Congrats on 60 days.

Dee74

Congratulations July

I think the longer you stay sober and work on your recovery the less impact those kind of 'would it be nice' fleeting thoughts have...cos we know it wouldn't be nice at all

D

July2413

Thanks for the support! I know it wouldn't be nice at all and the fantasy picture is definitely fading as time goes on. However, it is new for me to actually feel these emotions that are not pleasant because I'm used to numbing them. I feel like I have to do something to change them but I'm learning that they have every right to exist too.

On Friday when I got home from work I cried - and it felt so good. A month ago, I wouldn't have been able to just sit and feel a feeling. Now I can, even if its one I don't like. It's something I'm grateful for - that I can feel frazzled and overwhelmed but it doesn't mean a weekend of binging by myself, hiding bottles, and nursing a hangover. It means a good cry and carrying on - which I'm trying to do in spite of the difficulties I'm facing at work.

You know, posting on here always makes me feel like I have more to be grateful for than I thought before. It makes the burdens seem a little lighter and the blessings more abundant.

Mountainmanbob

congratulations
I still remember when I couldn't get 60 minutes sober
Mountainman

July2413

Thanks mountainman,

60 days seems like a lifetime away because so much has changed in 60 days but I too remember how many "last" drinks I had before I got here. Please God, may I continue.

Melina

This resonates deeply. Thank you, July! And a heartfelt congratulations to you on your 60 days. Awesome!

pinkdog

Hi July, well done on 60 days. I don't think of drink as a good escape anymore. Because I know alot of bad feeling will follow. Keep going. You are doing really great.

Zebra1275

Congratulations on 60 days!

Mizzuno

60 days is AMAZING! Keep on keeping on.

seahorse661

I am so glad I read this posting this morning. I too have struggled with processing emotions and this reminded me how much progress I have made.

And of the importance of never forgetting what my life was life a few months ago.