Bubbalove

This is such a small irritation, so why do I keep dwelling on it?
I usually attend two meetings a day; one at my medical provider and one AA mtg. A man that also attends both meetings appears to be just attending to have his court slip signed. At both meetings he comes in shortly before it is over, hands in his slip, sits for 10-15 minutes (usually getting up and leaving the room at least once), gets his slip and departs. he always says hi to me and acts chummy, as if we are in this together. In my mind he is not participating, and is disrespectful to those of us who are really working hard at our sobriety. I know intellectually that I should ignore him and get on with my recovery, but I find his behavior distracting. I have tried to figure out why I am so annoyed....do I want to give myself permission to not be present in my recovery?...I don't think that is the reason...any ideas would be really appreciated!!

Melina

Hey, Bubbalove...

I feel you. I've been extra extra judgey lately.

Since I've been sober I've noticed no one is walking correctly when I'm walking on the sidewalk, no one is driving correctly when I'm driving, no one is taking conversations the way I want them to go when I'm in a group, etc etc etc.

Everyone sucks lately.

Then I look at the common denominator in all these situations = it's ME and my big fat judgey ego.

And then I ask myself if I really want to be this irritated at people, places and things. I don't. What I really want is to be comfortable in my mind and at peace with my sobriety.

So I take a deep breath and try to get over myself.

This guy might not be doing recovery the way you think he should. He probably isn't. But maybe some seeds are being planted in his head.

I bs'd my way through court ordered substance abuse classes for my DUI. I went because I had to get my paper signed. I continued drinking heavily for six years after and got myself into lots more trouble, especially health wise.

But I'm here now.

Not much you can do for that guy or about that guy.

Next time you see him, send him some really nice mental vibes. Tell him telepathically that you understand his struggle and you wish him the best of safety and sobriety. See if it helps your blood pressure go down.

I will work on this too at all the people that have been irritating me lately.

Hope this helps.

Freebird13

I've had guys like this at my meetings too. Eventually, they fulfill their court ordered attendance and don't come back. They really are not serious about recovery. It will probably take a few more relapses and trouble with the law before they start attending AA with sincere motivations and a sincere desire to quit drinking.

In the meantime, try to replace your resentful feelings with empathy. Realize that he is a sick person and pray for him. Easier said than done, I know. But if you look at him in a different light, perhaps he won't be so distracting.

Bubbalove

Thanks for the insight. I did know that I needed to let go of the irritation, as it certainly adds nothing to my serenity^.^ I will try sending positive vibes and certainly will add him to my daily prayers!

Melina

And if it doesn't work, come here and be honest about it to get it off your mind and get support.

It helps to come here and blow off steam. Hope I didn't sound too preachy in my post, like you MUST embrace this guy's struggle and journey. It is a well known fact that sometimes people really do suck sometimes. I just know that when I steam about stuff, my AV really, really likes it and that's what I'm trying to avoid. I'm angry a lot of the time lately.

It's not like we're all suddenly farting rainbows and unicorns just cuz we put the bottle down.

Hang in there, buddy!

Bubbalove

Melina- I, too, struggle with lots of anger and resentment. Usually about my husband, mother-in-law and brothers-in-law! I have really worked on those emotions and have reduced the anger level tenfold! Guess I have transferred some of that to this guy...although he really appears to be a jerk. Maybe if he ignored me it would be easier to distance myself from his "stuff", but it is really irritating that almost everyday he comes up to me and acts like my buddy!
Any ideas, besides mental vibes and prayers, on how I might in the nicest way get him to stay away from me?

Dee74

Hey Bubbalove

I don't 'do' AA but I'm sure you'll hear from guys here, which long recovery, who started as court slip guys.

The reception you give to guys like that just might help shape someone's future?

D

Melina

A good old fashioned take no prisoners death ray stare and a 'beat it, geek' with dead-pan delivery was my usual M.O. under the influence.

Ha! I have much to work on.

Sounds trite but all this anger we are feeling is really about ourselves and nothing external. At least that much I'm sure of.... releasing it positively and quickly is my struggle.

Let's remember the name of the game here- it's to remain sober and stop being jerks.

Whether you find that through religion, exercise, volunteering, whatever...anything positive is money in the bank that kills our aggression and AV.

I'm working on it everyday because I am a hot mess of swirly stewed judginess.

Let me know what you come up with because it will help me too.

happyhour

i was that guy, about 14 years ago after a DUI, it was a big joke to me, and the people in the room were nothing like me, bunch of whiners who couldn't get it together. i've thought since then many times - i wish i would have paid attention. probably even better, would have been a guy like you make an attempt to reach out to me, could have saved me from a lot of wreckage...ah, i digress.

if you look at him that way, your perspective may change - glad you posted this, such a good reminder, when we bump into people in different stages of the addiction. thanks again.

Nightswimming

Hi Bubba. I completely understand feeling like this! I suffer from low self esteem and as a result I can project my high expectations of myself onto others. The smallest of things can get me angry and it has got worse since I stopped drinking (Day 17). Cold callers, friends' posts on facebook, slow people getting in my way at rush hour, you name it and I'm flying into an unjustified tirade in my head!

To fight this I'm trying to focus on myself at the moment, cut myself some slack from my inner voice and give myself some praise where it's due in all areas of my life, ESPECIALLY my recovery. Not finding it easy... I think once I stop being so angry at myself I'll be less angry at that person getting in my way getting off the train in the morning.

Anyway, just my 2 cents worth Hope it might help with dealing with this person at your group and get yourself back to the person that matters, you. Wishing you all the best with your recovery.

jutam

remember a time when you didn't take recovery seriously? people just hold up a mirror and show us what we don't like about ourselves....