Being honest has failed me
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
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Has honesty really failed you TM? He's still with you isn't he? I think you need to look at this from a long term perspective. He may be angry now, but I'm guessing he will get over it. You did the right thing IMO, and as EndGame pointed out, it wasn't the honesty, it was the drinking that is the root cause of the problem. Work on removing the drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Things are much better this morning and I have no desire to drink. He is trying to understand alcoholism and the fact that it's the alcoholism that caused the dishonesty. I am an honest person and have never lied to him other outside of my addiction.
Last night I actually got after him about picking on me all day over things that have nothing to do with the problem at hand. I took it all day because I was afraid of losing him. Last night however I told him that I am to be treated as an equal and no matter what I've done it doesn't give him the right to treat me like a dog.
Last night I actually got after him about picking on me all day over things that have nothing to do with the problem at hand. I took it all day because I was afraid of losing him. Last night however I told him that I am to be treated as an equal and no matter what I've done it doesn't give him the right to treat me like a dog.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
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Originally Posted by Toomutch 
I told my boyfriend that I wanted to be completely honest with him about what has gone on over these last several months of drinking.
You know where to find me
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Toomutch
Things are much better this morning and I have no desire to drink. He is trying to understand alcoholism and the fact that it's the alcoholism that caused the dishonesty. I am an honest person and have never lied to him other outside of my addiction.
Last night I actually got after him about picking on me all day over things that have nothing to do with the problem at hand. I took it all day because I was afraid of losing him. Last night however I told him that I am to be treated as an equal and no matter what I've done it doesn't give him the right to treat me like a dog.
Last night I actually got after him about picking on me all day over things that have nothing to do with the problem at hand. I took it all day because I was afraid of losing him. Last night however I told him that I am to be treated as an equal and no matter what I've done it doesn't give him the right to treat me like a dog.
All will be well as you both learn to accept simply...what is.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Alef, you nailed it. Tm, you did just free a part of your soul. my relationship was so much like yours except I lied to my partner for 5 years about the depth of my drinking. she believed that if I couldn't be honest about my drinking for that time, I must be lying about other things. which I wasn't. in time, normal people who love us realize that our problem makes us crazy and dishonest but we are human again (and you are a darn good one!) when we get and stay sober.
it also helps him understand that moderation is off the table. I often feel a bit like a gremlin. cute and cuddly and honest and good, until you give me alcohol. then good judgement and integrity seem to be the first to go...
you deserve to be sober. focus on that, and the rest will fall into place. I used to just say that to feel better, but now believe it.
it also helps him understand that moderation is off the table. I often feel a bit like a gremlin. cute and cuddly and honest and good, until you give me alcohol. then good judgement and integrity seem to be the first to go...
you deserve to be sober. focus on that, and the rest will fall into place. I used to just say that to feel better, but now believe it.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
is it that being honest failed
or
the response didn't meet your expectations?
"What can I do to make this right..."
get sober for you!
"... and why do I have to be honest to a fault."
IMO, because dishonesty is part of what got ya where ya are.
or
the response didn't meet your expectations?
"What can I do to make this right..."
get sober for you!
"... and why do I have to be honest to a fault."
IMO, because dishonesty is part of what got ya where ya are.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Suzette
To be an adult, fully an adult, is to be honest. It is said that "We are as sick as our secrets." I happen to believe this entirely. I also believe that we drunks are a long way from being adult.
Honesty can never do us harm, in my humble opinion, because lies create an alternate reality. With lies between us, it just ain't real.
And so, if the truth results in loss, well, it just wasn't meant to be.
And budding relationships in early sobriety? Holy smoke there is a lot said and written about that, Suzette.
When in treatment, my group engaged in both an intellectual and spiritual exercise. We were asked to list the 20 most important things in life on a whiteboard. Each of the ten or so of us did that. Then we were told to choose 5 that were negotiable and erase them. Discuss. Erase another five. Discuss.
Then we were told to imagine times are really tough and we MUST choose another five to go. Leaving five.
Initially people had all sorts of stuff listed, although there were some shared by nearly everyone. Like family, faith, kids, freedom, etc. Oh, and sobriety...
Well, you can guess that we were forced to imagine the unimaginable... What was the MOST important? Well I was one of the few that wrote family. Martyr. We're good at that...
When discussion ensued, I was disabused of the notion that something could exceed sobriety. Because, without sobriety, I HAVE NO LIFE. I will lose everything worth anything.
We lose the battle for normalcy. Always. Wanna spend life trying to be a statistical aberration? Fine. For the rest of us, the decline is certain. We drink too much. We KNOW IT. We feel ashamed because we know it. We hide to keep our shame secret. Makes us feel worse. What do we do? Duh... Making us feel worse.
Spiral...
In no way will I advise you about your boyfriend, Suzette. Way above my pay grade. I'm just a friend. As a friend, I DO KNOW that your love for your kids and other family is bottomless. It is THEY whose pictures should be pasted on the inside of your eyelids.
'Cause it is they who you could lose. Or, it is they who will be very much cheated out of their mother, friend, family member. Yup. It will happen if we are not sober, Suzette. We are NOT normal.
How do I know the above? Because someone I know very well thought he was smarter than the disease, thought he had control. Me powerless? Warren? And so many of my very intelligent, powerful friends?
Keep it as simple as you can, Suzette. Really simple. That's all we can handle at first. Sobriety, family. That's it. For now...
Shame and guilt suck energy. They are also embedded in the past. We newly sober cannot afford the luxury of shame, guilt, pride, anger, or any of those feelings normal people feel. All we get to feel is gratitude, Suzette. That's it for early sobriety. Gratitude.
And I'm grateful you are here. You've drawn me back to SR. I will add it to my already strong program in the fellowship. You and I have been here off and on, for a long time. We both relapsed...
I'll stay if you do...
Hugs,
Warren
To be an adult, fully an adult, is to be honest. It is said that "We are as sick as our secrets." I happen to believe this entirely. I also believe that we drunks are a long way from being adult.
Honesty can never do us harm, in my humble opinion, because lies create an alternate reality. With lies between us, it just ain't real.
And so, if the truth results in loss, well, it just wasn't meant to be.
And budding relationships in early sobriety? Holy smoke there is a lot said and written about that, Suzette.
When in treatment, my group engaged in both an intellectual and spiritual exercise. We were asked to list the 20 most important things in life on a whiteboard. Each of the ten or so of us did that. Then we were told to choose 5 that were negotiable and erase them. Discuss. Erase another five. Discuss.
Then we were told to imagine times are really tough and we MUST choose another five to go. Leaving five.
Initially people had all sorts of stuff listed, although there were some shared by nearly everyone. Like family, faith, kids, freedom, etc. Oh, and sobriety...
Well, you can guess that we were forced to imagine the unimaginable... What was the MOST important? Well I was one of the few that wrote family. Martyr. We're good at that...
When discussion ensued, I was disabused of the notion that something could exceed sobriety. Because, without sobriety, I HAVE NO LIFE. I will lose everything worth anything.
We lose the battle for normalcy. Always. Wanna spend life trying to be a statistical aberration? Fine. For the rest of us, the decline is certain. We drink too much. We KNOW IT. We feel ashamed because we know it. We hide to keep our shame secret. Makes us feel worse. What do we do? Duh... Making us feel worse.
Spiral...
In no way will I advise you about your boyfriend, Suzette. Way above my pay grade. I'm just a friend. As a friend, I DO KNOW that your love for your kids and other family is bottomless. It is THEY whose pictures should be pasted on the inside of your eyelids.
'Cause it is they who you could lose. Or, it is they who will be very much cheated out of their mother, friend, family member. Yup. It will happen if we are not sober, Suzette. We are NOT normal.
How do I know the above? Because someone I know very well thought he was smarter than the disease, thought he had control. Me powerless? Warren? And so many of my very intelligent, powerful friends?
Keep it as simple as you can, Suzette. Really simple. That's all we can handle at first. Sobriety, family. That's it. For now...
Shame and guilt suck energy. They are also embedded in the past. We newly sober cannot afford the luxury of shame, guilt, pride, anger, or any of those feelings normal people feel. All we get to feel is gratitude, Suzette. That's it for early sobriety. Gratitude.
And I'm grateful you are here. You've drawn me back to SR. I will add it to my already strong program in the fellowship. You and I have been here off and on, for a long time. We both relapsed...
I'll stay if you do...
Hugs,
Warren
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Toomutch
He doesn't know if he can handle this or not. He moved 2,500 miles a year ago to be with me, and now I might lose him. What can I do to make this right and why do I have to be honest to a fault. My heart is breaking.
I was so worried that if I told the truth I'd lose all these important people in my life. What I eventually came to understand was that I myself was lost. I didn't know ME. I was basing all of what I thought I was on what I believed others opinions of me to be. If you felt good about me, I was ok. If you were upset with me, I was bad.
Detaching from that completely codependent way of thinking and living took a lot of inventories and required a lot of action on my part. The payoff was I got to know who I AM. And as that grew, I didn't "need" others around to validate me anymore. If someone left my circle or didn't want to be my friend.......or even my wife.......it's ok. I'm still ok. God bless you and good luck on your path through life. I didn't "own" anyone so they weren't mine to "lose." People became more like brothers and sisters rather than position-fillers - positions like: this one makes me feel good about how I look, this one helps me with self confidence, this is someone I help so it gives me purpose, this guy/gal helps me feel loved......etc etc etc.
......and I thought all I had was a drinking problem. LOL.
recovery is, for me, about a lot more than not drinking. It's about a new way of living.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Thank you all for the responses. I know in my heart that I am an honest person, however I had to sneak and hide the alcohol in my mind so that I could feed my addiction.
Since I told my boyfriend about hiding the alcohol he has, called me a user, and has judged my work ethic saying that I never had to work very hard in my life because everything was handed to me. In his mind I bartended when I was younger to get big tips based on my looks. He doesn't even take into account that my personally may have had a great deal to do with that, I worked from the time I was 15 Much of my life I was a kindergarten teacher and that was hard work. When my babies were little I did home daycare from 5am-6:30pm. 5 kids under the age of 3. I worked hard until 3 years ago when my illness wouldn't allow me to work anymore. Somewhere along the line I did earn an inheritance but not enough to say that I never had to work very hard in my life.
When he moved here 1 year aqo in Nov. he told me that he would take over my bills since I can't work and I would keep the house, cook and clean etc.... I never asked to be taken care of, it was his idea because he really wanted to be with me and my marriage was over except for on paper. I'm not sure why I am rambling so much about this other than maybe trying to convince myself that I am not a user and have worked hard throughout my life. All I want to worry about now is my sobriety and I do not want to be bullied. This is a brand new behavior of his and maybe it's a result of me lying to him.
Earlier I told him I was leaving because if he really feels this way about me than why should I stay. He said we would start over on a clean slate. He will be home soon and I really hope things go smoothly because I can't imagine being without him.
I want him to step up and support me in my sobriety like he said he was going to do.
Since I told my boyfriend about hiding the alcohol he has, called me a user, and has judged my work ethic saying that I never had to work very hard in my life because everything was handed to me. In his mind I bartended when I was younger to get big tips based on my looks. He doesn't even take into account that my personally may have had a great deal to do with that, I worked from the time I was 15 Much of my life I was a kindergarten teacher and that was hard work. When my babies were little I did home daycare from 5am-6:30pm. 5 kids under the age of 3. I worked hard until 3 years ago when my illness wouldn't allow me to work anymore. Somewhere along the line I did earn an inheritance but not enough to say that I never had to work very hard in my life.
When he moved here 1 year aqo in Nov. he told me that he would take over my bills since I can't work and I would keep the house, cook and clean etc.... I never asked to be taken care of, it was his idea because he really wanted to be with me and my marriage was over except for on paper. I'm not sure why I am rambling so much about this other than maybe trying to convince myself that I am not a user and have worked hard throughout my life. All I want to worry about now is my sobriety and I do not want to be bullied. This is a brand new behavior of his and maybe it's a result of me lying to him.
Earlier I told him I was leaving because if he really feels this way about me than why should I stay. He said we would start over on a clean slate. He will be home soon and I really hope things go smoothly because I can't imagine being without him.
I want him to step up and support me in my sobriety like he said he was going to do.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Toomutch
This is a brand new behavior of his and maybe it's a result of me lying to him.
.
.
Perhaps he has more issue with you having a drinking problem you actually KNOW about...one you are addressing. Does taking care of you give him some semblance of control over the status quo? Does you having an issue with alcohol not match his pretty picture.
In my mind we are all different severities of broken. Often we resonate with those as broken..in one way or another...as we are.
I don't know this man...so forgive my assumptions. But something doesn't sound right here. Just don't assume responsibility for his ignorant (as in uninformed) behaviour...at all!
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Being honest is the best path. Just wanted to explain to you from a codie perspective:
Think of it, when you were drinking if he had confronted you or if he had taken your bottle from your hands and dumped it in the sink in front of you, you would have been very angry, correct?
What you did is basically the equivalent for a codependent.
By admitting to the truth, you took his bottle of denial and you just poured it in the sink right in front of him.
Stand your grounds when it comes to being respected definitely but also give him time to process it. You just gave a big blow to his own disease (codependency) especially since he wanted to moderate you and God knows what.
Best way to show him is by working on your recovery and staying sober.
Chin up and keep up the good work
Think of it, when you were drinking if he had confronted you or if he had taken your bottle from your hands and dumped it in the sink in front of you, you would have been very angry, correct?
What you did is basically the equivalent for a codependent.
By admitting to the truth, you took his bottle of denial and you just poured it in the sink right in front of him.
Stand your grounds when it comes to being respected definitely but also give him time to process it. You just gave a big blow to his own disease (codependency) especially since he wanted to moderate you and God knows what.
Best way to show him is by working on your recovery and staying sober.
Chin up and keep up the good work
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
TM - I don't know you but have read your posts. I feel your pain and understand the process you are going through. It might help to really and I mean really focus on you right now. Given where you are in terms of sobriety I am not sure your mind knows what it wants or needs. I am 28 days in and I have gone through the washing machine on several emotional cycles during this time.
If you want a happy healthy relationship you need to fix you first. From this everything else will fall into place including your relationship with your boyfriend or it won't but you will be mentally and physically capable of having a relationship, which right now it does not sound like you are bc of your disease.
You look radiant and from your posts you sound like an amazing woman trapped in a prison of booze. I hope you can get out and let that amazing person be free to enjoy the rest of your life.
If you want a happy healthy relationship you need to fix you first. From this everything else will fall into place including your relationship with your boyfriend or it won't but you will be mentally and physically capable of having a relationship, which right now it does not sound like you are bc of your disease.
You look radiant and from your posts you sound like an amazing woman trapped in a prison of booze. I hope you can get out and let that amazing person be free to enjoy the rest of your life.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Toomutch: I want you to know how much I admire you for being so honest with yourself and with your boyfriend. This took an incredible amount of courage and it probably saved your relationship with him. If you had not done that I think that it was only a matter of time before the two of you would break up. And your honesty also has probably saved your life if it represents a turning point in your struggle with booze. As you know some of us here have in the past expressed concerns that that point might not have been reached for you. If this is indeed the beginning then the hardest part is over, the hardest part being breaking through the denial. Many many people don't get there. I didn't for forty years.
I share the concerns of some on this site about your boyfriend's acting as if he didn't know you had a drinking problem. If you live with someone it's pretty hard to hide it unless the other person is really out to lunch. I'm not sure about the significance of this but if you two go on living together then this should clarify things a bit. Good luck. Congratulations on being a very courageous and forthright person. You did good. Big time. And Good luck. Every good wish.
W.
I share the concerns of some on this site about your boyfriend's acting as if he didn't know you had a drinking problem. If you live with someone it's pretty hard to hide it unless the other person is really out to lunch. I'm not sure about the significance of this but if you two go on living together then this should clarify things a bit. Good luck. Congratulations on being a very courageous and forthright person. You did good. Big time. And Good luck. Every good wish.
W.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Daytrader, really well said.
This battle is about US, TM. Not about anyone else. It is us who will die, either physically or spiritually. My sobriety cannot be linked to anyone else. Not because of anyone else, not in spite of anyone else, not for anyone else. Only when I face my spiritual and character defects totally alone, naked, with no self pity, justification, rationalization, etc, do I stand a chance of staying sober. If I have ANY expectations of other people, I risk losing it all.
When I live by this approach, I am never disappointed, only frequently and pleasantly surprised.
This stuff is way too serious to entrust to anyone else. Especially when they do not understand in the first place! There, but for the grace of god, go I. Not me and you. Not me and lover, me and child, me and parent, me and Christmas past. Me. Here. Now.
You. Sobriety. Not you and boyfriend and his role in YOUR sobriety. And sobriety is WAY more than simply not drinking...as Daytrader stated so well.
Joy,
Warren
This battle is about US, TM. Not about anyone else. It is us who will die, either physically or spiritually. My sobriety cannot be linked to anyone else. Not because of anyone else, not in spite of anyone else, not for anyone else. Only when I face my spiritual and character defects totally alone, naked, with no self pity, justification, rationalization, etc, do I stand a chance of staying sober. If I have ANY expectations of other people, I risk losing it all.
When I live by this approach, I am never disappointed, only frequently and pleasantly surprised.
This stuff is way too serious to entrust to anyone else. Especially when they do not understand in the first place! There, but for the grace of god, go I. Not me and you. Not me and lover, me and child, me and parent, me and Christmas past. Me. Here. Now.
You. Sobriety. Not you and boyfriend and his role in YOUR sobriety. And sobriety is WAY more than simply not drinking...as Daytrader stated so well.
Joy,
Warren
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by warrens
If I have ANY expectations of other people, I risk losing it all.
When I live by this approach, I am never disappointed, only frequently and pleasantly surprised.
This stuff is way too serious to entrust to anyone else. Especially when they do not understand in the first place!
When I live by this approach, I am never disappointed, only frequently and pleasantly surprised.
This stuff is way too serious to entrust to anyone else. Especially when they do not understand in the first place!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere else
Posts: 395
Being honest is really hard, but necessary. I am exactly where you are and I am at risk of losing my husband of 21 years. The honesty is the only reason he has been behind me this long. He had no idea how much I was drinking and that I was hiding it and drinking everyday. I know I have lost a lot of his respect, but I know he still loves me for who I was, who I am now and who I have became. It may feel like it bit you in the butt, but I believe he will come around when he realizes your honesty is because you love him and want to get better. Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
It wasn't your honesty that failed you, Toomutch. It was your drinking.
Laying your cards on the table was an act of courage and a signal that you now may be more ready to take care of yourself than you were previously.
Laying your cards on the table was an act of courage and a signal that you now may be more ready to take care of yourself than you were previously.
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