I don't want a drink...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 297
I don't want a drink...
I have been tense, and extremely jittery, and inadvertently blurting out self-derogatory sentences for days now, as if I had some self-destructive form of Tourette's. (Fortunately, I blurt only when alone, because if anyone heard me mutter, "I'm gunna half ta kill myself," or "Urg...I need to eat my head" they would be seriously, seriously puzzled.)
I keep feeling like I want a drink. In reality, I don't want a drink, I just want to calm the bleep down for an hour so that I can think clearly and get some respite from jitteriness.
I get careless when this jittery and tense. I sent a job-hunt related email with a typo in it, and I've been screaming at my self in my head for an hour since then. Cyclical jitters. The jitters make me careless, which leads to stupid errors, which leads to self-castigation, which leads to unbearable jitters.
I'm posting this because I need to slow my cycle down so that I can remember that wanting temporary quiescence and wanting a drink are not the same thing. That there are non-chemical ways to chill the bleep out and look forward calmly rather than backwards, sideways, down and inward in hyperbolic panic.
I wish I could take comfort in the idea that this might be an effect of quitting, but, it's not. It's my pre-, during, and post-drinking status quo. Whoever did the wiring for my brain (I guess that's me, in part, given what we know about neuroplasticity) seriously needs a refresher course.
I keep feeling like I want a drink. In reality, I don't want a drink, I just want to calm the bleep down for an hour so that I can think clearly and get some respite from jitteriness.
I get careless when this jittery and tense. I sent a job-hunt related email with a typo in it, and I've been screaming at my self in my head for an hour since then. Cyclical jitters. The jitters make me careless, which leads to stupid errors, which leads to self-castigation, which leads to unbearable jitters.
I'm posting this because I need to slow my cycle down so that I can remember that wanting temporary quiescence and wanting a drink are not the same thing. That there are non-chemical ways to chill the bleep out and look forward calmly rather than backwards, sideways, down and inward in hyperbolic panic.
I wish I could take comfort in the idea that this might be an effect of quitting, but, it's not. It's my pre-, during, and post-drinking status quo. Whoever did the wiring for my brain (I guess that's me, in part, given what we know about neuroplasticity) seriously needs a refresher course.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Berlin, MD
Posts: 78
Hey..I just had a pang for a drink because my exboss tried to hurt my feelings on a personal level because I didn't show up for work ...meanwhile it's a crummy bar so u can see the irony. I was calling to give the a** an explanation which in hindsight i might as well have not even bothered. Maybe I didn't go about quitting the right way but he hit below the belt..saying that everyone told him not to hire me and acts like he's such a hero for taking me anyway. Ticks me off that that can make me feel weak because I don't want a drink and that made me want one. And I held my tongue because I knew I should've called but didn't. Meanwhile my other boss loves me and I love that job. Frustrating what makes us feel that way!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 297
Lol. It is. Sorry your boss is a jerk.
I'm not mad at anyone (other than myself, that is), I just really want to chill out. A drink, or, better yet, a whack upside the head with something heavy. Or a system reboot.
Since mood stabilizers never helped me chill, I don't buy into a diagnosis, but this sort of jittery anxiety feels like dysphoric hypomania at its delightful shiny best.
I'm not mad at anyone (other than myself, that is), I just really want to chill out. A drink, or, better yet, a whack upside the head with something heavy. Or a system reboot.
Since mood stabilizers never helped me chill, I don't buy into a diagnosis, but this sort of jittery anxiety feels like dysphoric hypomania at its delightful shiny best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Hi Allie,
Hmmm. I know how that feels to live in my head with my thoughts. For me, that doesn't work so well. I had to find a way to either get a vacation from myself or learn new ways to be okay in spite of it. I figure no matter where I go, there I am so I better learn some ways to deal with it.
It took a lot of work. I had to learn or relearn, however I want to see it, to stop ruminating. I used to be able to take a thought and cling to it for days. I got sick of it. I don't want to live in my head. I want to live my life. I found out I couldn't do both so I had no choice but to try anything. Well, I did have a choice. I could keep doing what I was doing. Ugh.
Just me but I had to put some serious time into feeling my feelings. That alone took time since I stuffed those for so long. Once I kind of got used to finding out I don't turn into a puddle of goo just because I feel something, things started to turn. Then I had to learn how to comfort myself. Sometimes I do that thinking and sometimes I do that just being.
I kind of like to think my way out of something. Sometimes it works. I've found that even with my thought I have choices. So what I have a thought. I always just kick in to asking myself 2 questions. 1. Do I know for an absolute fact, this thought to be true? 99.99% of the time, I can only answer no, I do not. 2. Since I don't know absolutely this to be true, why do I choose to believe the negative?
Hey, what do I know. I'm just doing whatever I can to live a life I want to live. As long as I don't drink, every day I get an opportunity to try something new to get it.
I too may have been wired to be tense but I also have experienced that I can untense myself.
Hang in there Allie!
Hmmm. I know how that feels to live in my head with my thoughts. For me, that doesn't work so well. I had to find a way to either get a vacation from myself or learn new ways to be okay in spite of it. I figure no matter where I go, there I am so I better learn some ways to deal with it.
It took a lot of work. I had to learn or relearn, however I want to see it, to stop ruminating. I used to be able to take a thought and cling to it for days. I got sick of it. I don't want to live in my head. I want to live my life. I found out I couldn't do both so I had no choice but to try anything. Well, I did have a choice. I could keep doing what I was doing. Ugh.
Just me but I had to put some serious time into feeling my feelings. That alone took time since I stuffed those for so long. Once I kind of got used to finding out I don't turn into a puddle of goo just because I feel something, things started to turn. Then I had to learn how to comfort myself. Sometimes I do that thinking and sometimes I do that just being.
I kind of like to think my way out of something. Sometimes it works. I've found that even with my thought I have choices. So what I have a thought. I always just kick in to asking myself 2 questions. 1. Do I know for an absolute fact, this thought to be true? 99.99% of the time, I can only answer no, I do not. 2. Since I don't know absolutely this to be true, why do I choose to believe the negative?
Hey, what do I know. I'm just doing whatever I can to live a life I want to live. As long as I don't drink, every day I get an opportunity to try something new to get it.
I too may have been wired to be tense but I also have experienced that I can untense myself.
Hang in there Allie!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 297
360: Very thoughtful and very true. I'm tired of my reaction schema, and have spent a couple decades trying to work through the process you describe. I'm not there yet. I'm still at the "AAAEKRRRKKKKK!!!!!" stage of emotional self-regulation.
In 200 years I'll bet we'd be able to MRI my brain, say, "yup, that's a stripped amygdala, and we have a plan for that," and presto. Or sort of presto.
I'm going to do pushups and take a hot shower and try to forget that I'm alone in a house full of liquor (nothing I can do about that, it's not my house). In the absence of wisdom or medical miracles, there's just non-chemical physical sedation for the moment, and perpetually delayed plans to start meditating.
In 200 years I'll bet we'd be able to MRI my brain, say, "yup, that's a stripped amygdala, and we have a plan for that," and presto. Or sort of presto.
I'm going to do pushups and take a hot shower and try to forget that I'm alone in a house full of liquor (nothing I can do about that, it's not my house). In the absence of wisdom or medical miracles, there's just non-chemical physical sedation for the moment, and perpetually delayed plans to start meditating.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Then just try smiling or laughing meditation. Takes no training or preparation. You can do it in the shower. Look at the Dali Lama. He is always smiling. He must know something we don't.
You are just fine the way the cosmos made you Allie. All any of us can do is just try.
You are just fine the way the cosmos made you Allie. All any of us can do is just try.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Berlin, MD
Posts: 78
So I guess you're beyond a bubble bath w soothing essential oils...LOL.
Hope tensions ease. Hang in there and thanks. At least I'm free of that boss and job.
Just gotta try to calm my anger now. I don't want to b angry.
Hope tensions ease. Hang in there and thanks. At least I'm free of that boss and job.
Just gotta try to calm my anger now. I don't want to b angry.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Berlin, MD
Posts: 78
Are u a brain surgeon or what? Sounds like it...neuroplasticity..huh?
And as for the house full of liquor ...I'm staring down a cabinet of top $ wines. But we both know..e end if the house was bare we'd get it if we wanted it. So good for us, apparently we really don't!
Stay strong!
And as for the house full of liquor ...I'm staring down a cabinet of top $ wines. But we both know..e end if the house was bare we'd get it if we wanted it. So good for us, apparently we really don't!
Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 668
[QUOTE="360shoes;4191820"]Then just try smiling or laughing meditation. Takes no training or preparation.
360 there's a lot to what you're saying. As strange as it sounds one can change their physiology pretty easily. Smiling can, in fact, put one in a better mood. A run, walk, or workout can do the same. I've tried this.....it works.
360 there's a lot to what you're saying. As strange as it sounds one can change their physiology pretty easily. Smiling can, in fact, put one in a better mood. A run, walk, or workout can do the same. I've tried this.....it works.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 297
Bridge: I'm about as far from a brain surgeon as one can get. I haven't had science courses since college, and I AP'ed out of almost all math and science requirements so I could focus on the important things, like Jane Austen. Any science-flavored babble you hear from me is my interpretation of whatever I understand from Scientific American and etc (usually very little). Plus, low fine motor skills. I could probably do a bang-up lobotomy circa 1665 techniques, but that's about it.
Baths gross me out (so many germs in human soup, and there aren't even any dumplings), but the hot shower did help.
Oldself: yeah, that can sometimes take an edge off. Right now my laugh is tense enough to make the furniture start covertly edging toward the door, but it can help.
360: Thanks. Also, your avatar cracks me up. Is that a real cobbler's real sign? I'd use him in a heartbeat.
I think this is a good example of why people always describe me as intense....I bottle, bottle, bottle, trying to play low-key, and then just implode into a twitchy, grammatically compromised mess. I would really like to fool everybody (myself especially) into believing I'm low-key someday.
Any science-flavored babble you hear from me is my interpretation of whatever I understand from Scientific American and etc (usually very little). Plus, low fine motor skills. I could probably do a bang-up lobotomy circa 1665 techniques, but that's about it. Baths gross me out (so many germs in human soup, and there aren't even any dumplings), but the hot shower did help.
Oldself: yeah, that can sometimes take an edge off. Right now my laugh is tense enough to make the furniture start covertly edging toward the door, but it can help.
360: Thanks. Also, your avatar cracks me up. Is that a real cobbler's real sign? I'd use him in a heartbeat.
I think this is a good example of why people always describe me as intense....I bottle, bottle, bottle, trying to play low-key, and then just implode into a twitchy, grammatically compromised mess. I would really like to fool everybody (myself especially) into believing I'm low-key someday.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Nazareth, PA
Posts: 453
Are you fit enough to do some aggressive exercise? That always helps me get rid of that jittery feeling. Run, lift, jumping jacks until I'm too tired to get antsy, and let the endorphins calm my head.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 297
Bad knees and a still-recovering ankle, so no running or jumping, but that was the idea with the pushups. Exertion does help. Especially the muscle-building kind. Weirdly, vigorous exercise tends to make me angry rather than calm or happy, but angry is better than jittery. Jittery is just angry turned inwards.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 297
It, in combination with shower, book, Beethoven, and fruitless hour spent staring at Van Gogh reproductions (whatever, I'm a mammal...color and sound and temperature affect my mood...not super evolved, but I'll run with what works) helped prevent me from drinking or cudgeling myself upside the head. That will have to be enough for now. I've been working up to spinning out for about a week (insomnia, crying at the drop of a hat, profoundly hating people for chewing with their mouths open). Historically, the time spent revving up to a really good panic would be dampered down by getting drunk. Without alcohol as a damper, it's just independently weird.
Maybe peaked. It's the weekend in 4 minutes, so the odds of getting a call or email to which I need to respond like a normal person have diminished...may give me time to chill. But, no sugar, and no caffeine for me for a while, and if I can't fall asleep again I'll break down and take some antihistamines to knock me out.
If I were independently wealthy, I'd built myself a cottage somewhere remote near water and drive off and spend a week very, very quietly when I started to rev up.
Although, when I'm forced to be a normal person on a regular basis, it's generally no problem. I still spin out, I just do it privately. It's just that I'm out of practice at pretending that my skin isn't turned inside out. So maybe the private cottage isn't a great idea.
Maybe peaked. It's the weekend in 4 minutes, so the odds of getting a call or email to which I need to respond like a normal person have diminished...may give me time to chill. But, no sugar, and no caffeine for me for a while, and if I can't fall asleep again I'll break down and take some antihistamines to knock me out.
If I were independently wealthy, I'd built myself a cottage somewhere remote near water and drive off and spend a week very, very quietly when I started to rev up.
Although, when I'm forced to be a normal person on a regular basis, it's generally no problem. I still spin out, I just do it privately. It's just that I'm out of practice at pretending that my skin isn't turned inside out. So maybe the private cottage isn't a great idea.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 332
Did someone say Jane Austen?? Love love love. And I really need to say "I need to eat my head" more often. My students would die!! LOL!
Ok, on a serious note, I'm sorry you're feeling jittery. Had lots of that during my anxiety-and-panic-but-no-depression post-partum depression. Sucks big time.
Take care for now; I'm going to PM you.
Hugs,
June
Love love love. And I really need to say "I need to eat my head" more often. My students would die!! LOL!Ok, on a serious note, I'm sorry you're feeling jittery. Had lots of that during my anxiety-and-panic-but-no-depression post-partum depression. Sucks big time.
Take care for now; I'm going to PM you.
Hugs,
June
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 297
When said by their all powerful lit professor, "I need to eat my head" would probably read as a profound commentary on the need to reintegrate gut emotional response in lit crit.
(But, yeah, I'd love to be an observer on that pedagogical moment.)
(But, yeah, I'd love to be an observer on that pedagogical moment.)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 332
Originally Posted by AllieB 
When said by their all powerful lit professor, "I need to eat my head" would probably read as a profound commentary on the need to reintegrate gut emotional response in lit crit.
(But, yeah, I'd love to be an observer on that pedagogical moment.)
(But, yeah, I'd love to be an observer on that pedagogical moment.)
Hahaha! Not sure anyone could stretch that comment that far!
June
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 297
Lol. The way I idolized my lit profs, they could have said "marshmallows are marvelous for melancholy moods" and I would have scanned it, cross-referenced it, and made a note of it in my spiral (because I'm that old; I had spiral notebooks in undergrad).
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
