LostMyBella

My wife and I are both addicts. Our drug of choice is Marijuana. We have been apart for 25 days today. I feel good about my choice to get clean and be sober. It is very hard some days but easier on others. Every day gets a little easier to be clean but every day I feel my wife slipping farther from me. She claims to be in treatment in our home town while I am over 500 miles away doing the same. I dont have any problem admitting my errors and my responsibility in our marriage destruction but my wife only blames me. She is so angry at me, she says she wants a divorce, she blames me for all of this. I feel like we are both responsible, we both enabled each other. I struggle to try to talk to her. Tell her I know what I did wrong, I know what we did wrong. I only want to salvage our marriage some day. We used to be so in love. She wont listen or talk to me, she just wants to blame me. It hurts. I know I am not the only one to go thru this. what kind of counseling is she in where she doesnt admit her addiction? She is convinced the addiction "wasnt that big a deal" while I know that either directly or indirectly it is mostly responsible for our breakup. What do I do? How do I do it? I would appreciate any input from anyone who can relate. What kind of program would allow her to be in such denial? She only wants to say that I am in denial and that MJ wasnt that big a deal? I think she may not be in counseling at all. I am very confused. She is so smart and educated but she makes me want to pound my head on the wall.

Raider

I'm so sorry. You can't make her think she has a problem. She will have to get to that point herself. I wouldn't beat myself up over it. Her addiction is hers. Yours is yours. Get yourself clean. Hopefully someday she will realize her own problems. Good lick and keep posting.

LostMyBella

Thanks. Yes I am aware of not being able to make her admit to her addiction. She knows she has a problem I think. But I think she thinks I am the problem or at least a huge part of it. That is the most difficult part for me. It makes me so sad. I try not to bea myself up over it. I even know that we cannot ever be together until we are on the same page with all of this. Very difficult for me to accept we may never see eye to eye this. She is the love of my life. I waited 40 years for her. We met later in life. We both know our time together will not be as long as other couples. We are squandering it like this.

least

to the family. It sounds indeed like your wife is deep in denial. The only thing you can do is look after your own recovery. She will have to deal with her addiction herself. Take good care of yourself.

Raider

I understand you are so sad. I'm so sorry. I hope you take of you. You deserve to be well. Keep posting here. There is good experience and advice here. Hugs.

LostMyBella

Funny and sad that those most buried in denial seem to so easily point the finger at others and label them as being in denial. She is always saying I am in denial.

Raider

That's what we addicts do. Turn our eye on someone else so we don't have to face ourselves.

Mizzuno

With time things may start to become more clear for her and you. In the big scheme of things 25 days is not long. You are just hitting the surface and working towards a better solution. It sounds like there is more involved than Marijuana smoking. There may be some underlying problems that can not be vocalized just yet and her anger is directed at you. You are not the sole blame of the marriage coming to this place. Have the two of you sought out counseling? Please keep posting and sharing your experience.

LostMyBella

I have suggested we seek couples counseling and she refuses. She is still in a bad place I suppose. I realize that we will not face reality at the same pace. FYI this isnt a case of just smoking once in awhile...this was daily almost hourly. We were stoned more than we werent in our four years together. We rationalized that our lives were not ideal, lack of work, economic issues, past relationship/divorce issues and that we needed it to cope. Indeed it only magnified our problems especially when we could not medicate them. I also must confess that I had felt like there was a problem a few times in the past but in my own denial continued to enable us both to smoke.

LostMyBella

...and yes I go to a local support group. She says she is going to counseling but it seems like she isnt or they have misguided her. Doubtful any drug counseling people would say she didnt or we didnt have a problem w MJ...IMO.

Raider

Ahh. that's tough. Why are you 500 miles away ?

MemphisBlues

Welcome to SR. right now you can only focus on you and your recovery. I know that seems impossible since you seem genuinely committed to the relationship.

But perhaps the marijuana addiction -- which is very real -- is only the surface issue in the relationship. Is she in recovery? Receiving counseling and being in true recovery can be very different things.

Recovery and a ruined relationship is a terrible place to be, but the relationship can't mend unless true recovery is obtained.

Work on what you can, you, and your addiction. The relationship will just have to play second fiddle here.

My only advice would be to allow her to vent, and for you to concentrate on any denial you may have, and not label or try to fix hers. You can't.

Posting and reading here was valuable in my early recovery. I think you can find the same. DO check out SR's Friends and Family forum.

Jeni26

I'm sorry that your relationship has reached this point. It touched a nerve for me because your story could so easily have been mine. Alcohol was our DOC.

Me and my H drank together for the whole of our marriage. It descended into alcoholism at some undefined point in time. I recognised it first, as you have done. I gave up on my own and our marriage was very shaky for a while. I never stopped loving him or hoping that one day he would join me in sobriety. He was angry with me, furious that i had changed everything by getting sober. i knew his anger was a front for being scared. He always knew he had a problem too deep down but was unprepared to face it. Denial is a strong force in an addict/alcoholic. He eventually quit too when,after a couple of months, I relapsed and we reached that point when it was make or break.

We have now been sober for almost 16 months together. I knew he would have to find his own way. There was nothing I could have done to save him, I was too busy saving myself.

Concentrate on yourself. Get well and you will see the situation so much clearer in time.

Wishing you all the best x

LostMyBella

Thanks for all of your input. It carries great weight and helps me stay committed to the belief that I am doing the right and best thing I can right now - to leave her be and wait it out - focus on myself. I know there can be no healing between us until she wants it. I had to go as far away as possible - 500 miles - so I couldnt have physical contact with her. It hurts but I think I made the right call. I know she loves me. She is hurting at least as badly as I and probably a lot more. She doesnt know what she wants yet.