Not doin good ...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 134
Not doin good ...
Short. Simple. To the point ---
My 6 months is next sunday. Yet, ever since the end of July, beginning of August, I've just felt out-of-place. I'm just at the point where being sober sucks and I feel that I am non-existent. That others around me are genuinely happy and i'm.... Miserable. Period.
Even this morning, I was driving home from work; I live an hour away each direction. All I kept thinking was do it, just do it, you know you want to. I was thinking about just driving my truck off the road and hitting a concrete barrier. As soon as I said it out loud, I called myself a damn idiot however, I talked to my sponsor and she's the only one who cares ...
I'm really struggling ...
My 6 months is next sunday. Yet, ever since the end of July, beginning of August, I've just felt out-of-place. I'm just at the point where being sober sucks and I feel that I am non-existent. That others around me are genuinely happy and i'm.... Miserable. Period.
Even this morning, I was driving home from work; I live an hour away each direction. All I kept thinking was do it, just do it, you know you want to. I was thinking about just driving my truck off the road and hitting a concrete barrier. As soon as I said it out loud, I called myself a damn idiot however, I talked to my sponsor and she's the only one who cares ...
I'm really struggling ...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 540
EndStage, I'm sorry you're struggling. Six months is quite an accomplishment, so be proud of that.
If you're seriously contemplating driving off the road or harming yourself, please please call a suicide hotline or 911 ASAP.
Have you talked to a mental health professional? Maybe some medical help is in order.
Feeling low can be a normal emotion that were just not equipped to deal with sine we've used alcohol for so long to deal with feelings. But it may be something a doctor can help with as well, if what you're feeling is beyond just a normal low.
Keeping fighting this, don't give up, don't drink, don't give up on sobriety. You're in AA right? Good for you for talking to your sponsor. Do you have a phone list of others you can call? If people gave you thei number they want to be called. Don't be afraid to use that list!
I know it seems unfair that you've reached 6 months of sobriety and you're feeling crappy. How are you doing with the steps and all that? They do work.
But there may be more going on, so for sure see a dr. If you haven't already.
Keep posting, stay strong, don't give up on yourself. You sponsor isn't the only one who cares. Everyone at SR does too! You have lots of folks on your side here. Best of luck to you.
If you're seriously contemplating driving off the road or harming yourself, please please call a suicide hotline or 911 ASAP.
Have you talked to a mental health professional? Maybe some medical help is in order.
Feeling low can be a normal emotion that were just not equipped to deal with sine we've used alcohol for so long to deal with feelings. But it may be something a doctor can help with as well, if what you're feeling is beyond just a normal low.
Keeping fighting this, don't give up, don't drink, don't give up on sobriety. You're in AA right? Good for you for talking to your sponsor. Do you have a phone list of others you can call? If people gave you thei number they want to be called. Don't be afraid to use that list!
I know it seems unfair that you've reached 6 months of sobriety and you're feeling crappy. How are you doing with the steps and all that? They do work.
But there may be more going on, so for sure see a dr. If you haven't already.
Keep posting, stay strong, don't give up on yourself. You sponsor isn't the only one who cares. Everyone at SR does too! You have lots of folks on your side here. Best of luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 134
I am in AA. My homegroup is in my hometown and than I attend an AA group 5 minutes away from my work.
I have been working the steps; on step 4 actually.
I'm not going to do anything such as harming myself; suicide is a apart of my history YEARS ago, but never thought of it before until recently. Scary **** to even be reading this as I type it.
I have an appt with my Dr on the 17th. I just haven't been able to get into him before than due to no insurance until now.
And yes, there is more going on behind scene's, but I dont have time for hobbies. My schedule is pretty much this: Work third shifts 9pm-6am. Hours drive home. 715 sleep or actually lack thereof (Insomnia since I was a child), get up, go to meetings and than back to work. My days off are spent trying to catch up on the sleep that I could not get while working and than church, if I make it.
I have been working the steps; on step 4 actually.
I'm not going to do anything such as harming myself; suicide is a apart of my history YEARS ago, but never thought of it before until recently. Scary **** to even be reading this as I type it.
I have an appt with my Dr on the 17th. I just haven't been able to get into him before than due to no insurance until now.
And yes, there is more going on behind scene's, but I dont have time for hobbies. My schedule is pretty much this: Work third shifts 9pm-6am. Hours drive home. 715 sleep or actually lack thereof (Insomnia since I was a child), get up, go to meetings and than back to work. My days off are spent trying to catch up on the sleep that I could not get while working and than church, if I make it.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Endstage I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I have been to that hell. I remember a phase of my life where I kept wanting to drive off the highway on my way home from work. It was a terrifying and dark time. It doesn't sound like there is much balance or pleasure in your life (and drinking or not drinking has nothing to do with that). Alcohol will not help and it may just exacerbate your misery to the point that you do drive off that road. I am wondering about what is going on behind the scenes as that may have a lot more weight as to the reason for your misery and feelings of defeat.
When our mind is in the bowels of hell it is difficult to shake off. I wish I knew more about what was going on. Please know you are cared for in this world...on this website.
When our mind is in the bowels of hell it is difficult to shake off. I wish I knew more about what was going on. Please know you are cared for in this world...on this website.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
It *is* the booze talking you know.. You don't have some existential need to be drunk. You actually know this because you quit. The reason? You felt like hell..or worse for all I know.
Drinking will not fix anything..except for perhaps the first 30 mins when you feel buzzed.
Drinking will not fix anything..except for perhaps the first 30 mins when you feel buzzed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
As the others have said, if you have acute issues call a hotline or get professional help. For my own part I will offer just an opinion- it's not unusual or even unhealthy to have some self destructive fantasies once in awhile. If we're all being honest I doubt there's a single person here that hasn't had a fleeting thought of suicide at some point. No, not an impulse to do it- just a thought.
Suicide is not an effective coping strategy but when you're stressed it can look like one. But nothing will get better through that option, you just pass the pain to along to someone else to deal with.
I'm not sure what has you feeling low. Maybe you need to talk to someone about it.
Suicide is not an effective coping strategy but when you're stressed it can look like one. But nothing will get better through that option, you just pass the pain to along to someone else to deal with.
I'm not sure what has you feeling low. Maybe you need to talk to someone about it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Nazareth, PA
Posts: 453
Were those thoughts you really wanted to act on, or did they feel like they came from a different, alien, part of you? I ask because I've had periods of my life where I've battled "intrusive thoughts" and they are normal course for anxiety. Therapy REALLY helped to get that stuff out of me. It was scary...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
You do have people who care, everyone who reads your posts and honestly is pulling for you. That's why SR and people in recovery are so great. They WANT people to succeed. There is an excellent German word that has no equivalent in English: Schadenfreude. It means to derive pleasure from the misfortunes of others...happiness when your pretty cousin gains ten pounds, when your smarter than you co-worker makes a crucial mistake, when the talented child of your friend strikes out. It's a petty mean emotion that you find everywhere. But in recovery...not so much.
People here do care, feel genuine fear when a struggling friend speaks of suicide, even in passing. Sobriety is in every way better than addiction, but sometimes the lack of drama in our lives, which we had in abundance while making an a** of ourself drinking or using, begins to seem a bit dull. That's when we must begin to seriously take stock in our lives and count our blessings. Don't laugh...I'm serious. You do have blessings. You have a job, a car, a roof over your head, food and clothing, heat in the winter. Yes, these are pretty basic, but do you know how many people in this world don't have many, even none of these things? Develop some perspective, and add to the list I made. Write it out, read it every time these thoughts bring you down. No they probably won't make you feel instantly better, but gradually, you can change your outlook and stop concentrating on what you don't have.
You have people who care, and there are two solutions that will never make things better, ever: drinking and suicide. One leads to Hell on earth, the other to...Well, it depends on your faith, but to me, to give up this precious gift of life, leads straight to Hell, for real.
So, Endstage, shake it off. Things will change, your mood will lighten. Congratulations on your great accomplishment of sober time.
People here do care, feel genuine fear when a struggling friend speaks of suicide, even in passing. Sobriety is in every way better than addiction, but sometimes the lack of drama in our lives, which we had in abundance while making an a** of ourself drinking or using, begins to seem a bit dull. That's when we must begin to seriously take stock in our lives and count our blessings. Don't laugh...I'm serious. You do have blessings. You have a job, a car, a roof over your head, food and clothing, heat in the winter. Yes, these are pretty basic, but do you know how many people in this world don't have many, even none of these things? Develop some perspective, and add to the list I made. Write it out, read it every time these thoughts bring you down. No they probably won't make you feel instantly better, but gradually, you can change your outlook and stop concentrating on what you don't have.
You have people who care, and there are two solutions that will never make things better, ever: drinking and suicide. One leads to Hell on earth, the other to...Well, it depends on your faith, but to me, to give up this precious gift of life, leads straight to Hell, for real.
So, Endstage, shake it off. Things will change, your mood will lighten. Congratulations on your great accomplishment of sober time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 277
Quote " Hours drive home. 715 sleep or actually lack thereof (Insomnia since I was a child) "
Lack of sleep can be a serious cause of depression. As other SR friends have advised seeing a doctor seems to be very good option..
Lack of sleep can be a serious cause of depression. As other SR friends have advised seeing a doctor seems to be very good option..
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Endstage....good luck with your doctors appt. please be honest and talk to them about your suicidal thoughts. Feeding those kinds of thoughts just grows them into something very dangerous.
As others have said, we may not know each other, but we do care for those who are on the same journey. 6 months sober happened for a reason and you chose sobriety because you wanted a better life, right? Please try to hold onto that til you see your doctor.
Sending you hugs, mate.x
As others have said, we may not know each other, but we do care for those who are on the same journey. 6 months sober happened for a reason and you chose sobriety because you wanted a better life, right? Please try to hold onto that til you see your doctor.
Sending you hugs, mate.x
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Hugs.
I have experienced what you describe as well.
It's common when people are doing their 4th step, lots of feelings come up and it can seem overwhelming. This is why it is suggested that people don't linger on 4 but get it done and quickly do 5,6,7 and get relief.
It's also a part of PAWS, post acute withdrawal syndrome. We have the toxins out but the task of creating a sober life begins, and it IS a challenge and sometimes we feel defeated. Support from AA friends and SR friends, as well as any other support as needed can get us through. Take advantage of every resource to get the support you need.
It's normal and common to feel as you are, and normal and common to get to the "other side" as well. It's part of the process.
So glad you are here.
I have experienced what you describe as well.
It's common when people are doing their 4th step, lots of feelings come up and it can seem overwhelming. This is why it is suggested that people don't linger on 4 but get it done and quickly do 5,6,7 and get relief.
It's also a part of PAWS, post acute withdrawal syndrome. We have the toxins out but the task of creating a sober life begins, and it IS a challenge and sometimes we feel defeated. Support from AA friends and SR friends, as well as any other support as needed can get us through. Take advantage of every resource to get the support you need.
It's normal and common to feel as you are, and normal and common to get to the "other side" as well. It's part of the process.
So glad you are here.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Hey ES ,
i had those exact thoughts years ago about 26 ... I think i suffer from quite a perverse brain sometimes and it likes to throw things at me once in a while .
Those kind of thoughts you can get a handle on , Dr's and some non addictive meds helped a bit . with time you can change the thoughts that go through your head, like a large ship at sea changes course bit by bit ..
For me, i did a lot of work on it , read everything i could . In the end i just kind of stepped right out of the depression , dropped it ? i'm not quite sure how to explain it .. i managed to break it .... only one other time did i consider it , but my humor and stunning sucess at being a failiure appealed to me .
So i thought i'd just be pleasant and laugh a lot , alcohol was part of that pleasantness untill i realized how nasty it made me , Living grows on you and i've become quite fond of it nowdays .
You can be happy and free as well,
Bestwishes, m
i had those exact thoughts years ago about 26 ... I think i suffer from quite a perverse brain sometimes and it likes to throw things at me once in a while .
Those kind of thoughts you can get a handle on , Dr's and some non addictive meds helped a bit . with time you can change the thoughts that go through your head, like a large ship at sea changes course bit by bit ..
For me, i did a lot of work on it , read everything i could . In the end i just kind of stepped right out of the depression , dropped it ? i'm not quite sure how to explain it .. i managed to break it .... only one other time did i consider it , but my humor and stunning sucess at being a failiure appealed to me .
So i thought i'd just be pleasant and laugh a lot , alcohol was part of that pleasantness untill i realized how nasty it made me , Living grows on you and i've become quite fond of it nowdays .
You can be happy and free as well,
Bestwishes, m
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Wales
Posts: 147
End stage you can find something to change that will make you better. See the doc-find some way to take a break-change jobs closer to home! Talk to someone and keep talking-here is a good start, someone you can talk to and give you a hug would be great. Hang on in there:-)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Hi Endstage, I hope you go to the doctor. That level of depression is not normal. When drinking, certain chemicals in the body are increased. Seratonin and dopamine, briefly. The doctor can help you get these levels right. I'm very concerned about you. Please go check it out. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Endstage , i empathise with your feelings of hopelessness and sadness , Your quote is one of the best i have ever seen.
THE MAN TAKES A DRINK
THE DRINK TAKES THE MAN!
So poignant , so true.
Please don't let it take you down again.
I enjoy reading your posts and the way you are always ready to help others
You are a lovely person from what I read between your lines
Im almost certain you have depression as 99.9% of us may do, hence the self medicating.
This too shall pass.
Please check in with us xx
Much love , looking 4 ward to more comments from you xx
THE MAN TAKES A DRINK
THE DRINK TAKES THE MAN!
So poignant , so true.
Please don't let it take you down again.
I enjoy reading your posts and the way you are always ready to help others
You are a lovely person from what I read between your lines
Im almost certain you have depression as 99.9% of us may do, hence the self medicating.
This too shall pass.
Please check in with us xx
Much love , looking 4 ward to more comments from you xx
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