Toomutch

So I went to the AA meeting and although I am feeling absolutely awful about myself I smiled and acted happy during the meeting. What is wrong with me? I have always wore a mask to keep people from knowing the real me, the me that they may not like.

Now I am back at home wondering why I didn't speak out and say how hard things are for me right now. I'm sure many of you will say go back and be yourself but after a lifetime of being this way it is not that easy. On here I feel safe to be myself because I am not face to face with anyone unfamiliar to me.

Felt like stopping at the liquor store on the way home because I was so mad at myself, but I didn't. I will not drink today.

I'm not sure that AA is for me, I feel much more comfortable here right now.

Hevyn

I'm very much the same way Toomutch. I think we can grow and learn to be different though. If you keep going back at some point you'll probably feel like sharing more - you have to be ready.

Proud of you for not caving and stopping at the store. You'll grow stronger & more optimistic as the sober time adds up.

doggonecarl

Who said recovery from alcoholism was comfortable? Recovery, in part, is about being uncomfortable and not drinking over it.

You went, that's saying something. Didn't kill you or turn you into a troll. And you didn't drink. Well done!

Ampsmarie

The first time I tried getting sober (in the rooms) I lasted 41 days. I would never speak in meetings or even admit I that I was a newcomer. I went out for another year... after coming back, I promised to be honest because the only person I was hurting was myself. I always feel better when I speak and share the rough things in my life. These people can relate... sometimes even with suggestions for solutions. There are stilltimes AA seems uncomfortable... but I believe its the alcoholic mind trying to mess with us.

ScottFromWI

You went to the meeting. Even if you didn't say a word that's a big step forward. A few days ago you were pretty adamant that you'd NEVER go back to AA...so look at that as a pretty big step really! Maybe next time you'll say your name, maybe not. Like Carl said, it's isn't going to be easy - but it will be worth it. And it isn't going to change overnight -we spend years and years abusing our bodies and minds, as well as those around us through our actions.

I'd say chalk it up as a great day - you went to an AA meeting, and you didn't drink. Not a lot more you can ask for just for today, right?

FeenixxRising

You went to a meeting, that's great. There's nothing wrong with smiling. You didn't drink, and you can always share at the next meeting. Don't beat yourself up; we all tend to put on fronts at one time or another. BTW, you can smile and still express how horrible you feel.

advbike

I don't care for AA meetings myself, but some people find them valuable to stay sober. Also some folks just like to be part of a group - meeting and socializing, whereas I don't, so I do my best to avoid it if I can. I do think there are many valuable tools that are learned through the program, some of which I retain and use. But if you can't stay sober on your own then by all means go.

pinkdog

Hi Too, it is really great that you did not drink. Well done.

ImperfectlyMe

Whether or not AA is for you or not only you can tell. But you know what your doing now isn't working! I completely get the tears of a clown thing did it my whole life as well. picture perfect housewife drinking her nights away to be anywhere but where I was.

What are you hiding from yourself? What don't you want people to see about you? These question are not to answer to me or anyone else but you!

jkb

AA is not the only way... Good for you in not picking up that drink.
Jess

ProgressNotPerfection

"You can't save your ass and your face at the same time!" - that's what my sponsor would say to me. And he'd be right, too. Most times at meetings I leave feeling better, less hopeless and not so unique.

One of my issues is thinking I'm unique in my alcoholism. I'm not - but my perception of it can be terminal. "Careful with thinking you're unique. We also suffer from Terminal Uniqueness." - yea, that sponsor again. Miss that old goat - he passed on sober some years ago.

I suggest really giving AA an honest try before deciding whether or not it is for you. It does have the best track record for teaching folks how to stay sober.

If getting sober and staying sober was easy, we'd be normal people wouldn't we?

Stick with the winners here and at the meetings and stick with the women here and at the meetings as well.

lizw

I'm 15 years sober and still can act like I'm fine at aa meetings when I am in a lot of pain or under stress. I don't always share honestly and after I leave I think why didn't I talk to someone about what's going on etc...

And I've heard 100's if another members share this very same thing.

I just think it is part if the isolation of alcoholism these days so its neither a good thing or a bad thing, its just a thing but like you my head can turn it into something I can/ could drink over.

Dee74

A lot of us wore masks Toomutch - I wore one even before I started to drink.
I think it's good you're exploring options - look at whats happened in the past few days - you need support, and help - you need to reach out.

Honesty in those interactions will come - be patient and gentle with yourself.
I hope you go back again

D

Recovery1983

Glad you went to a meeting TooMutch. Sometimes it would take me several days of detoxing at home before I mustered the courage and energy to get back in a meeting. I am very much like you described at meetings. I'm usually the one that won't talk unless I'm called on, and I get really nervous if I am called on. I start sweating like crazy, and I feel like all eyes are on me. I wouldn't say that I put on a facade, but I'm so worried about what others think of me that it prevents me from being me or being comfortable.

If there was a projector of what was going on in my head, it would show that I'm messed up and broken. I am in no way better or different from anyone that walks in the room. Not only am I so wrapped up in my own head in meetings, I'm also like this wherever else I go. I BELIEVE THIS IS A HUGE REASON AS TO WHY I DRINK OR USE. I dont feel comfortable in my own skin, period. People tell me that this is what sobriety is about. You learn to live in your own skin without the use of drugs and alcohol. I'm nowhere close to doing that, but hopefully it will come someday.

You shouldn't be hard on yourself for acting that way in a meeting. It takes time to undo a habit, especially a habit that has been trained to become second nature. A defense mechanism if you want to call it that. You should be proud that you went back to meetings. I think that is a good step forward. Just keep it up.

Mentium

'Felt like stopping at the liquor store on the way home because I was so mad at myself'. I am not personalising this in the least, but this is an example of the madness of alcohol. What on earth links those two ideas together? Booze of course.

I went to one of my usual AA groups tonight. It is a wet night and the group was smaller than usual - just six of us. Because of the size I felt more comfortable than I have before I think. For the first time I told my 'story' more or less from beginning to end. It was a great feeling of release. I got lots of empathy and recognition, even though the arc of my addiction is not all that typical.

Toomutch - give it a go. Talk to one or two other individuals - perhaps women if that is more comfortable to begin with. You don't have to open up until you are ready - and it isn't compulsory in any case!

Nuudawn

You are being awfully hard on yourself. I think it is quite normal to feel awkward, cautious...and well just hold back when in a completely new situation.

You did it. Exhale a wee bit. Take a break from judging yourself and perhaps give yourself a little pat on the back for even going. No matter what you decide..it was a proactive step in your sober journey.

Toomutch

I actually went with a new friend I met here on SR, I wont mention who because I'm not sure she would want me to. All I know is that I am very grateful to her for inviting me. I unfortunately put on a mask for her as well though.

I did announce my name and got my one day chip, so that's something I guess.

Renarde

Don't be mean to yourself about this. It was your first visit! I think it's pretty great that you went!

CuteNGayYay

Great job ignoring the liquor store!

FeenixxRising

You have to lighten up Toomuch. You're too hard on yourself. There is no "right" way to attend an AA meeting. You just go; you can talk if you want, or you can just listen. You can smile or cry or whatever.

Just pat yourself on the back for attending and another pat for not drinking. You're overthinking this. You don't have to let out all your emotions and feelings during the first meeting.