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Old 09-19-2013, 08:04 AM
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This is my first time posting to this sight. I have been married to my husband for 14 years, and we have three beautiful children. We were very young when we got married (I was 19 he was 21). He has struggled with various drugs and alcohol addiction for as long as I can remember. I was naive in thinking that I could change him. Recently he lost his job, his parents threatened to "be done with him". I had also told him that I was not happy and wanted to divorce. He did agree to go to inpatient treatment. I am co dependent, and have been doing research and a lot of reading on the topic. I feel that I have spend so many years worrying about his drinking and drug use, and trying to control it that I have forgotten who "I" am. I recently read an article that said that many co dependents struggle to identify their own dreams. This really made me stop and think about myself. I know what "he" wants, but not what I want. I am really struggling with the decision whether or not to move out while he is in treatment. I have an unrealistic hope that treatment is going to be a "magic wand" and he will be the man I feel in love with again, but I know that is not true. I wonder if it would be best to live apart for awhile while working on ourselves. I'm not "giving up" (as he put it) on our marriage, but I feel that to be the best couple, we first have to be the best individuals we can be.
I guess I'm looking for any help or suggestions anyone can give me. Is my thinking completely wrong??
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Old 09-19-2013, 08:20 AM
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I don't think it is wrong at all. Nobody should have to be a slave to their own addiction, let alone someone else's.

As you no doubt have read many times the only person that can really decide to change is your husband. Perhaps he isn't able to for one reason or another - or perhaps doesn't want to come to that.

There are people who come to the AA meetings I attend who have lost family, job and pretty much everything before they can make that change. I'm not suggesting that applies to your husband, but it is as well to know what you are potentially up against.

Have you looked at Al Anon for support? There are on-line groups and most cities and large towns have groups too. You don't have a location on your ID thing so I haven't posted any links.

Good luck to you. There's loads of support here too of course. Perhaps your husband might be interested come that that.
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Old 09-19-2013, 08:38 AM
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I have checked into Al-Anon groups, but live in a small town and have to travel quite a ways. I did find the online group though, and plan to participate in it. Thanks! My emotions are on a constant roller coaster. Thanks for your reply!
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:29 AM
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to SR! I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You need to take care of yourself and your kids. Your husband is a grown man and should be able to take care of himself. Perhaps living apart is a good idea for a while.

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Old 09-19-2013, 01:54 PM
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But if he agreed to go to inpatient treatment finally, wouldn't you want to be supportive of him? That's not necessarily being co-dependent. Many folks got sober when they realized it was their last chance. Maybe he CAN change with the help of the program. If he comes out and you're gone it might be difficult for him to understand why.

Of course I don't know the details of your situation and what you've been through. It is certainly your choice. And for sure if he comes out and goes back to using then it would be time to put you and your children first and leave.
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Old 09-19-2013, 02:54 PM
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Hi Carrie - welcome

sounds to me like you're thinking about what you want - you're also wanting to distance yourself a little from the chaos of your partners addiction, and develop a few boundaries just in case things don't have a rosy outcome.

I think both those things are very understandable.

It sounds like, after many years of co-dependency, you're looking after your own interests rather than someone elses - I would not call them wrong at all

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Old 09-19-2013, 02:58 PM
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Welcome Carrie! It's great to meet you & I'm so glad you found us.

I agree that taking care of yourself & having chance to think things through is very important. I hope being here will give you some relief from the anxiety you're feeling.
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Old 09-19-2013, 03:01 PM
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Hi carrie, welcome. I'm really glad he is going to inpatient. Take the time to work on your own life. What life do you want? What makes you happy? Very best wishes to you.
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