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Old 09-18-2013, 07:39 PM
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Question Confused

I am in love, and very much in like, with a recovering alcoholic and struggling to understand how things affect him and how best to support him. We have a long term (24 years) friendship - he says that I am his oldest and dearest friend and that he shares more with me then just about anyone else in his life except perhaps his friends at AA.
Recently we spend some time together (we live a good distance from one another) and had a wonderful time. He wanted to talk about the ways in which he has hurt me in the past and asked me to be honest with him, and so I was, including telling him that the past is the past and he bears no responsibility for anything with regard to my life.
At one point during some of our discussions, he told me that I terrify him, but would not elaborate, so I am not sure what that means.
After 5 wonderful, intimate days full of love and laughter, we each went back to our homes, and when I asked about planning our next trip together he told me he couldn't because I had given him so much to think about.
Is this pattern of "come close - go away" typical of a recovering alcoholic? I very much miss my dear friend as I am accustomed to communicating with him regularly and now he seems to be either ignoring or avoiding me.
I am very confused and trying very hard not to be hurt and angry but to understand where he is coming from.
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Old 09-18-2013, 08:41 PM
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It could also be a pattern of relationships for him that has little to do with alcohol or recovery, but more due to other intimacy issues. I personally stuggled with relationships for years where I would get close and intimate then push the woman away to a distance. I couldn't really understand it at the time myself, but it had more to do with things that happened in my childhood (losing my sister at an early age and an absent father) than the alcohol. Or he may just not want to be involved more intimately and doesn't know how to tell you.
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Old 09-19-2013, 05:07 AM
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Thank you for your very thoughtful and insightful reply. I appreciate your having taken the time to share your thoughts with me.
My friend does have intimacy issues which probably stem from a very strained and restrained relationship with his mother. He has also told me that he doesn't believe that he has ever had a truly healthy relationship with any woman - his relationship with me is the most stable he has ever had.
I understand that alcoholics have many issues with self worth and worthiness and a repetitive theme for this man in things he says and does is that he doesn't deserve me and doesn't want to damage me.
In the end, no matter how much or how long I have loved this man, the thing that matters most to me is preserving our friendship as I truly value that and him as a person.
Ours is a very complicated relationship with a great deal of intensity and passion and we have spent many years navigating the twists and turns we seem to take. My greatest concern at this time is how to best support him in his ongoing journey of sobriety while taking care of myself and not sacrificing my peace of mind in the process.
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Old 09-19-2013, 05:57 AM
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this sounds exactly like me right now. I am involved with someone with two children. I have been pushing relationships away my whole life when I see myself and the possible harm I could be doing to the other person.

everyone in a relationship is obviously different and needs different things. For me, I wanted/want someone who I can openly talk to and work things through with as I struggle.

anyway, best of luck
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Old 09-19-2013, 06:55 AM
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If two people cannot talk to one another and support one another through their struggle, then it seems to me that they do not truly have a relationship...they may have an acquaintance and perhaps, a friendship of sorts, but not a true relationship.

Each of us is responsible for our own choices and the consequences of those choices. Everything in life has risks, especially relationships. As long as both people are honest with one another about where they are in the relationship and what their concerns and worries are, then they can each decide for themselves where they stand with things and whether or not they can continue in the relationship.

Be very careful about presuming to know what is best for someone else in terms of possible harm without having talked about it with them, as that can lead to some very poor decision making and, perhaps cause you to walk away from a relationship that might actually be quite wonderful and rewarding for you.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me.
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Old 09-19-2013, 08:46 AM
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Thank you, that was very helpful to me. Due to my issues I've been in a long term relationship with communication issues and no physical intimacy. It is impossible to discuss issues with someone who verbally dominates the conversation and cannot accept my point of view without getting angry. Her anger (and nightly drinking) put distance between us. Now my sobriety is my biggest priority. Fortunately we do not live together. Thanks again for your insightful comments.
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Old 09-19-2013, 09:37 AM
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There could be many reasons why he's so distant. If he's never had a healthy relationship he could be afraid of being hurt. If he wants time to himself, let him have it to work on his recovery and his own well being. There's time later to be together.

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Old 09-19-2013, 09:50 AM
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Hi llsh, welcome. It sounds like he needs to think. Recovery is confusing. Stick around here. You will get some good advice.
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Old 09-19-2013, 09:03 PM
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Effective communication is a two-way street and constantly having to deal with someone else's anger is exhausting - especially if it is misplaced.

Staying committed to the journey to sobriety that you have chosen is absolutely the MOST IMPORTANT thing for any recovering alcoholic and may require careful consideration of the roles of certain people in one's life.

I would think that it would be tremendously challenging to maintain a relationship in which one person is getting sober while the other continues to struggle with ongoing drinking problems.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful words and insight with regard to my own situation and the need to simply step back and give him time and space. Now I just have to conquer my own fears and feelings to be able to do that.
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